Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Thank you for posting, confusedwife! I was feeling a little lonely for a sec!

Well I had all 3 sessions. I had my first back in November, 2nd one was a month later and then I waited 2 months. Yes he was good at pumping me up! They are expensive though. If you have self discipline and a strong grasp of the books' principles then don't spend the money.

BUT I think paying the money for the sessions are best when you can't think straight and are worried about being too emotional with your spouse and losing your cool.

CW have you seen any positive results from the goals you set with your coach 2 weeks ago?

[courageous wife]

Well, I had a reply all typed out and lost it so will have to start over later!

Have you read DestinyUnknown's thread at all? She is really not doing very good and think you might have some good advice for her. She is under Need Help...am I wrong, should I hold out hope? I think in the seperated or mlc forums. If I knew how to post a link I would!

[Day by Day]

newmama,

The advice from your DB coach was lots to absorb. I think it was just what you needed. In fact, thanks for posting all of it because it even applies to me.

Yeah and one more thing--he said at some point that both WH and I deserve to be happy but that WH needs to see that he will be happier with ME, not OW, so I need to be the best newmama I can be. Then he said "and even if you divorce, you want WH to be happy right, I mean you don't want him to be miserable..."

Wasn't easy for me to agree to, but it's right even though WH has been a miserable and cruel man to me. I truly don't want to see him that way. I wish he would get in a better place and be reasonable.

I think you were at the point to have a coaching session since like I said before you were coming to a crossroads and you were given some good advice and direction.

This was the fuel you needed to help you with your DBing. Happy for you!

[mindfull]

Newmama - Just saw your update. Will be back later. You rock!

[courageous wife]

Ok! My goals were 1. get the visits with the kids on a schedule...we talked about it but with H's work and possible OT every weekend it is hard as he works midnight-8:00am so we just have to kinda play it by ear for now!

2. The coach thought that maybe H was not feeling needed here anymore. Kids went about their business and I have pretty much showed him that I can do this without his help when I had car trouble etc. (maybe I was dbing too well?) and that from my description of OW (probably needy and the fact that he stresses evertime he is here to not be afraid to call if we need anything)that he needs to feel needed so I was to have something that needed fixed. Well, he comes about every weekend to split wood for us to burn in the stove and this weekend the weather messed us up so hoping he can come this Sunday as the garage door is not opening correctly...

3. was to flirt a little...about 3 weeks ago he was here and really mad at me as I had changed the locks and he felt I was locking him out (that was after he brought OW here) and I remained calm and talked him "down" from that explaining that I was not locking him out but that I needed to feel safe here etc. Later, he playfully pinched my rear and then kissed me and we had a little playful sparring about that so coach thought I should flirt some. I don't know...never have been good at that he has been more distant since then so haven't had much of a chance to do that!

I called too late to get another appt with coach this week so looks like next Monday before I will talk to her again! She was very encouraging and even thought it is expensive, I am glad that I am doing it!

[mindfull]

Hey, Newmama!

OK, I like your DB Coach!

Did you tell him about AofS?

What has happened the last few days between you two? I like to read your updates, ya planner!

Be good, girlfriend!

[newmama]

Well yesterday was his day off. And I knew I had to reveal one of my mysteries but didn't have a plan...in fact I was relaxed kind of since the DB coach said I could "mix it up" and not have to be gone from the house every time he is here because that is predictable!

So I started by drinking my coffee, checking email, and ordering some cute tops from VS! (with built in bras). Well the news was on and we just made some chit chat while he played with S. Then I went upstairs, got ready and came back down to work on my coq au vin in the crockpot recipe! (chicken and veggies in red wine)

WH said "are you making your dinner? What is that?" So I said yes and told him. After that I got the shop vac and cleaned out my car (in the past he just cleaned our cars without being asked-just his thing). I brushed the leaves out of the garage too.

So I stayed busy doing my own thing and not talking to him...not on purpose just was busy!

Then I suggested we take our S to the nearby park I found the other day and put him in the baby swing. He thought that sounded good so after S woke up, we walked over there together. I was sure to walk in front and shake my hips a little, haha!

We had a good time putting S in the swing and I went on one of the swings by myself! Then WH went down the slide with S and WH put S at the top of a short slide and let go so I ended up catching him!

The awesome thing was that when we came back home, we open the door and the aroma of the super delicious coq au vin hit us! The house smelled amazing! I didn't plan that but it is an AoS technique!

Then I got ready to work out and WH asked if it was ok if he stayed a little later-he had a dr.appt for 6 p.m. So I said of course and worked out, then left to get a chocolate ice cream cone from DQ, then picked up the mail. Usually he gets it.
In the mail were a bunch of bills for him, an adult novelty coupon (which I put in the recycling right away!!!) and my belly dancing coin skirt!

So I take the coin skirt out of the package and try it on over my jeans. I didn't show him, he just heard it and said "What is that?" so I told him. He smiled and said he bet S would love that! I agreed...we'll see!

Okay so THEN I saw I had a wine meet up for a Monday night but usually my night outs are Thursday nights. Well I ask him if I could switch my night out to Monday one week. He said "sure!" right away without having to go and check with OW like he has in the past.

But I realized that going to this wine meet up would mean I would have to skip my belly dancing class on Thurs so I told him never mind; I need to keep my Thurs plans. He said "You can do both nights if you want." I said "really?" and he said "Yes- you should get to get out and have fun--just tell me you need to do stuff!"

So he said yes to that without having to "check his calendar!"

When dinner was near, I boiled up some red potatoes and served myself some coq au vin atop the potatoes. He got some for himself and said the chicken was delicious.

By the time he left, I was getting S ready for his bath and he had spent 10 hours over here...the last time he was here that long was when he stayed 2 weeks after S was born!

All in all I would say the day went well.

[newmama]

CW, I understand about the flirting and would think if you did it when he hasn't shown any interest then it would come across as persuing!Good call not doing it as of late.

So have you seen other positive changes since you have found something for him to do? (i.e. needing him)

I will check out your thread again!

[newmama]

I thought of another response if WH brings up divorce--instead of the canned, cheesy response of "my life is great,I'm doing blah blah"

I can say " Well ok if that's what you want but I don't see why we are going through the hassle of all this when YOU KNOW we will be getting back together!"

It's a joke but I imagined how odd and funny it could be if I just kind of laughed off his D talk and was just kind of like "You crazy son of a gun! Ah geez, what are we going to do with you?" Kind of like he was up to his latest "shenanagins" and going through a phase. How satisfying for me would that be?
Always smiling with a "knowing" look, moving stuff out of the house, going to parenting classes, doing the whole thing but never crying in front of him, never being angry, and just shaking my head and giggling?

hahahaha! (just a fantasy but hopefully he won't ever bring up D!!)

[newmama]

Mindfull, I DIDN'T tell my coach about AoS! I forgot about it!
I mean I am still keeping it in mind but so much of what he wants me to do is AoS...being unpredictable, looking good, being caring, being mysterious, being in a good mood/upbeat...

I think I will be playing my wii when he drops S off on Saturday a.m.

But I better find some other mysterious thing to pick up! I guess just working on the garden.. planting my herbs to start with. About 8 are sprouting so far!