2 years later it's still not getting easier

[whitneypinch]

Hi Jeff,

Sorry to hear you are in a similar spot.

Yep, the hugs and the email were really taking their tole on me.
Even in the last few days I have started to pull back. It has been
much better for me. The problem is when I go dark she comes around and is all "warm and fuzzy". I am sure it's just a bit of guilt on her part.
At no time whatsoever has she ever felt she did anything wrong or that this has any negative effect on me or our kids.

Anyway, thanks for the email as I really needed to hear that.

[whitneypinch]

Now my EW is basically ignoring my emails ????
2 weeks ago she was all warm and fuzzy and now totally cold.
She sent me a photo of our daughter and I wrote her back about it and some stuff I was up to. Nothing.....back.

Why does she even bother to send me anything?

Yes, I know 2x4 to the head to me for even worrying about her.

Yep, just get back to me and focus on my kids. My EW is off in her own world.

[Cautious]

I think maybe you're getting too excited about the warm and fuzzies. Hard not to, right? Going dark is working!! She comes around, wants to know what you're up to, possibly feels guilty? All good signs. Now just to put a little manipulation in there. When you go dark for a while (try at least two or three missed calls from her - unless it's about children, then call back immediately! - and she starts coming around, keep the conversation casual, light, and keep the mystery alive. Don't tell her everything you're up to. Then you're putting the ball right back in her court. She knows your every move, to the point that she could "accidentally" bump into you if she wanted.

So when she says "How are you?" Just say "Good" and let her interpret what that means. When she calls, don't answer, listen to the voicemail and determine if it's important. It takes a LOT of patience to go dark, but I can see that you've had some great results. You just got too excited about those results. Remember it's baby steps here! Be vague, but not impolite. Realize that, though you want to share everything with her and want her to share everything with you, the simple truth is neither of your lives are each other's business anymore. And it's okay to say so, with tact. When you do talk on the phone, at least for now, don't talk to her longer than 2-3 minutes. Tell her you have to go because you're about to go out. Eating while on the phone gives you two power-ups: One, you sound casual because, hey, you still have your appetite and two, you're so focused on eating that you don't have time to sound panicky and desperate - unless the nerves get the best of you and you choke! So try to avoid that! Then, when you hang up, GO OUT, just like you said. I don't care if you're taking the kids to the park. The point is, the more you're at home dwelling on things, the more depressed you're going to be.

Great job and great progress, I have faith that you can keep it up!

[whitneypinch]

Hello Cautious,
Thanks so much for the reply and suggestions.
I too have read your post and I am sorry you are here.

I dunno know....out of the blue last week my EX asked me if I want to come to my kids hip-hop dance class and then asked me to come out to dinner with them after.
Sure, you could look at this as baby steps....but I don't think that is the case at all. I think my EX wants us all to get along so that she has easier access to the kids when they are with me.

My EW has a completely new lifestyle now with new friends and a new cottage.

Yes, I know I am in a much better situation than many on this board.

All I can tell you is that it is not necessarily better when you are friends with your EX. In fact I find it worse, as it's like a carrot being dangled in front of you that you can't have ever.

I don't believe my EW is ever coming back. If you read these posts enough you will realize that in most cases it's the husband who left that is the one that comes back. Most WAWs never come back.

My EW is extremely attractive, outgoing and very affluent. She has everything in life that she can want. I believe having a husband is a burden to her.

On a positive note I had a great weekend with my kids. We went up north and went dogsledding. What a fantastic experience for the kids and I.
So I continue on doing all the wonderful things I do with my children and just focus on that.

[jasper67]

It's good that you have the realization of the stats on WAW's- the more I understand the improbability of WAW coming back, the easier it is to take strides in moving forward. It is really sad though that that is the case.

The best thing to do is be the best person and dad that you can be. I'm glad that you're doing that.

[Cautious]

I'm glad you are able to put your personal feelings aside for your children. I struggle with that on a daily basis as S5 looks exactly like X. It helps to have new experiences you can enjoy, definitely. How was dogsledding? I've never been, but it definitely looks exciting!

Being friends with the ex is dangerous territory. You have to handle it carefully if you want a reconciliation. You have to decide (and pep talk yourself) that you will not accept anything less than a long term relationship. For some, this means no ML until there's a commitment (then again, that's a female POV). For others this means refusing to listen to them talk about the OM or OW. Either way, I feel it's necessary that, until they are ready to talk about reconciliation to keep a civil R talking only about the kids and not allowing them into your private life. Be vague about your plans, but don't lie. If asked, state it simply. I definitely think this works (even for WAWs) because I've seen it in various states. The thing is, as DB put it, you have to aknowlege your responsibility to do the lion's share of work. It's all about the mystery/jealousy/chase advantage. You become more of a challenge and most people are responsive to an adventure.

I'll definitely be ready to be your cheerleader. It helps to watch everyone's small successes to keep my PMA up!

Way to go, whitney!

[whitneypinch]

Hello all,

Thanks for the responses.

Cautious, dogsledding was fantastic. I do everything with my kids. I took them whitewater rafting, Miley Cyrus concerts, monster trucks, art galleries, skiing, ballet, museums, travelling etc. I expose them to everything possible. There is nothing I love more than to be with my kids experiencing life.

Right now my kids are on March break with my EX. They are at a Club Med. I have only been away from them for a day and I miss them soooo much.

My EW never have R talk and just talk about the kids. She asks about work but that is where it stops. I don't ask her about anything as it's too painful to hear all the great things in her life that I am no longer a part of.

I have done all the DB stuff. Sometimes I backslide as I miss my family so much. About 2 months ago I said to hell with all this "strategy" and just showed only love to my EW. I was very affectionate in the emails I sent her. She return the affection in many of them but then pulled back.
It seems that she mirrors back to me how I treat her. If I leave her alone she stays away. If I email her then she emails me....

Please don't read any of this and think there are baby steps here and that my EW is coming around. I think it's more about the nature of my EW. Everyone likes her and she does not like it when someone does not like her. I think she just is the way she is to makes things better for all of us in the family. I think she just wants us to all be friendly.

Ya.... not feeling so great right now.

I just miss my family.

[jasper67]

I know exactly what you mean by mirroring...you know EW best, so you're the best judge for progress- do you have other threads I can brush up on?

[whitneypinch]

Hi,
Just click on my name and it should show you other threads.
I doubt my threads will be able to help you much.
Really, all of this is in our ex's hand. They really decide how they want to treat us.
Of course we can do things to make it worse. That is where DBing comes into play.

I think if we did not have kids this would all be much easier. I just believe we are a family and you do everything you can to work it out. I never even had the discussion. She just left one day.

[Cautious]

I know exactly what you mean by that last sentiment. Everyone wants their family together, and, in my opinion, there's no reason a relationship should ever end. The only reason they do is because people become selfish and self serving rather than working on the problems. And usually the damage is so great by the time they get help that they have no choice but to call it quits.

We just keep living the same relationships over and over again, just the scenery changes. That's why second and third marriages have such a large percentage of failure. JMHO.

And by scenery, I mean that the fights aren't EXACTLY the same (In my M, money was an issue, but I could get with a fiscally responsible person and we might fight over how to discipline my S), but there's still the same amount of conflict. Maybe in lower doses. Maybe the new person is more willing to work. But either which way, it's always the same. I'd just rather have my family all together than try to incorporate a new person into a father role to my S and have the conflicts between the two "dads" to add to my level of stress.

((whitney)) You are absolutely doing the right thing, IMO.