My old thread was way too long, so I'm starting a new thread as per forum rules. Seems like a good time anyway, as my situation has entered a new chapter.
So now my W pulling out the stops to try to be my buddy again. She sent me a silly e-mail about my son's basketball, pretending to be a concerned mother who doesn't know me.
She took the kids to her brother's place for the weekend, which is a few hours away. I called Saturday night to talk to the kids and she answered her phone with a silly voice, saying something about Hannah Montana. She knew it was me from the caller ID.
I agreed to watch the dog for the weekend, since I missed her, and when I brought the dog back to her house tonight she answered the door in a good mood saying "Hello you wild crazy animal! And hi to you too <dog's name>!" She invited me in to sit and visit with the kids, which was nice, as I hadn't seen them in five days. I didn't take my coat off, I sat next to my son on the sofa and talked with them. My W came and sat next to me and joined in the conversation, but I concentrated on the kids. After about ten mintues I said I had to go, and the kids objected and said they wanted me to stay. I said "I'm sorry, but I do really need to go." I got up to leave, and my W got up and followed me to the door. I just said "I'm glad you had a good trip. Goodbye W." She said "Thanks. Bye." I was pleasant, but I didn't engage her at all.
I have no idea what's going on, and I'm not bothering to wonder about it. She's going to OM's country next week, supposedly to get some work training, not to see OM, but of course I don't believe her. She always acts strange before going on the trips.
She's asked me to go see our old MC with her after she gets back. She says she doesn't trust mediation anymore, but trusts our old MC. She says we have some things to discuss and finalize. She said she would pay, so I agreed. I couldn't think of any reason not to go. I went to see our old MC a few weeks ago to get her take on all this. I hadn't seen her since last spring. I got her caught up, and she just shook her head in amazement about all that went on with us. After I told her about W's plans to get this foreign training, and then take the kids on these international trips, she said "Whoa, whoa! Don't worry about things so far out. W tends to make dramatic statements about the future, but then ends up coming back to earth. Don't get wrapped up in all of W's crazies. Just deal with what's happening now." It made me feel good to hear her say that.
She's going to OM's country next week, supposedly to get some work training, not to see OM
Rubbish.
She's going to see OM.
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but of course I don't believe her.
Good.
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She always acts strange before going on the trips.
Mine was exactly the same.
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So now my W pulling out the stops to try to be my buddy again.
Trying to assuage her own guilt.
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She's asked me to go see our old MC with her after she gets back. She says she doesn't trust mediation anymore, but trusts our old MC.
Why?
What's the point in marriage counselling whilst she's active in an affair?
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She says we have some things to discuss and finalize.
Hmmm....
I've just read the last bits of your sitch Future. I think it's great that you're not allowing your children to leave the country. Don't even think about doing that for a second.
Also, I think it's excellent that you want a nothingship with her - I felt the same about my wife. Shortly before her OM threw her on the ****heap when she became pregnant to me, the mere sight of her would turn my stomach.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
future, been following along quietly. I see you've begun posting to other people's threads - good stuff. I don't have any comments, just wanted to say that I can see from the information that you have posted that you have grown immensely. Still hoping for the best for YOU.
For the first time, I'm not getting roped back in. She's trying all this stuff, and it's having little effect on me. I'm ignoring her. Best of all, it's not that hard. I'm realizing I'm stronger and happier when I stay distant from her.
My friends are commenting how much better I'm doing, and I agree. For the past year when I was hit with a wave of pain over all this I would look down and put my hands on the sides of my head and wait for it to pass. Could happen any time. I could be talking with someone, or in a meeting, and I would stop for a moment and make that move. I could guage how well I was coping by how often I had to do that little move. Miraculously, I'm not doing it anymore.
I am also noticing my forgiving, generous nature toward her has been replaced by an distant untrusting nature. I feel a lot of anger toward her as well, but I'm not allowing myself to be eaten up by it.
When she leaves this weekend for her trip I'll have two and a half weeks straight with the kids. Awesome! My parents are coming to visit to see the kids and help, so that'll be great too. This trip will make six weeks that she's left the kids with me over the last year, all voluntary trips to OM's country. I've left the kids with her for two weeks, each time so I could go on a business trip. Her mom told me "And you're worried the courts will give her full custody? Think about that for a minute!"
SMQ, you'll be pleased to know I've been playing guitar a lot, and I'm going to be performing during an open mic night tomorrow night. A bunch of my friends are going to cheer me on. I haven't played in front of public crowd since college, and this will be my first time ever singing in public. I've practiced the tunes to death, and I know I'll do great as long as my nerves don't do me in.
One thing I continue to struggle with is what to do legally. We've been working toward this separation agreement, and in my state, the only no fault D option is to be legally separated for one year, then either party can convert the separation to a D. I know my W is getting security knowing she has a year before the D becomes a possibility. I don't have to wait though, and a big part of me doesn't want to. I could file for D any time. From what CityGirl says, suing for D in this state is a nightmare though, so I feel stuck. Even if it means nothing to her, it means something to me to still be legally married. Why should I stay married to her while she's with someone else?
Nervous about playing tonight. Played my three songs for my kids and MIL last night, they seemed to like them. My son said "Daddy, you could win on American Idol." Can't ask for a much better comment than that!
I'm increasingly anxious about the legal situation. I keep flip flopping between wanting to let everything sit for a while and do nothing, or be aggressive and file for D. I've come to conclusion that as long as my thinking is so erratic, I shouldn't do anything.
As much as I hate to admit it, my W going on this trip is bothering me. Late last summer when we were starting to talk again, she went on a trip to see OM. She was clearly torn about it, she called me crying from the airport, and was acting like she wanted to stay with me and the kids. Her trip had been planned for a couple months though, and off she went. I promised myself that if she ever went again, I would end our marriage and move on. So here I am. She's leaving this weekend. Part of me wants to honor that promise I made to myself and file for D. Another part feels like me doing that would only be to make a statement and punish her. If I'm done, then I shouldn't care, and I should be satisfied taking the least stressful and cheapest route to D, which is legal separation for a year.
thats fantastic. Enjoy the show.