HDWife trying for happier life

[HDwife]

Thanks for that book suggestion, YAH. As for testosterone -not an issue. It hasn't been checked, but I can show you pictures of my husband, and I really, really don't think there's anything to be concerned about.

Today is a huge struggle for me interacting with my husband. Between him being sick (flu/cold crap) and going on 5 weeks of unemployment without really looking for a new gig, I simply don't like him at the moment. I don't know if its the hormones talking, but I really can't stand him and am being a total bitch. Not helping anything at all and I hate that I can't control my bitchiness. sh!t p!ss dang

[HDwife]

AYE YAY YAY YAY YAY - Why am I back in the center of the universe chair? feeling resentful that I have the squalch a core aspect of my being for potential future satisfaction, especially after DanceQueen's comment and my subsequent reading of her wedding thread (where at least she gets to play with suitcases of sex stuff on honeymoons). Feeling very fatalistic about the prospect of a happy marriage today. This after my husband kisses me and says he loves me very much before leaving to go boating with our son. It's just not enough. Am I having a midlife crisis? sure feels that way...

I miss mojo and her animal archtypes. I went from repressed lioness and fairly satisfied cow (with a bit of bunny and a bit of monkey thrown in) to hissing lioness and sad old cow (and a complete lack of will to be either cute or playful) and hate feeling this way!

At the gym, I lust for the giant swimmer poster above the pool. At Macys, the manaquins seem to leer at me...

Gonna go pretty up before selling freakin' girl scout cookies outside the grocery store with my daughter because at least in public I can mask my resentment. At home I am a fury the last couple days (good thing I am not home much).

Any specific suggestions? All the things I usually do to relax (read, puzzles, facebook) are too passive to help me in this state. Going to the gym for hours on end only helps marginally. I want to have sex with my husband and I am dwelling on it. The last time we had sex was Jan 26th. I woke up this morning sooooo horny but mb'ing didn't take away the edge for long.

I feel as though I am short-circuiting...

[HDwife]

ps: I don't even want to be a good mother right now. when getting ready to go boating this am, my husband asked me nicely to feed our son. I immediately was filled with venom thinking, "who takes care of me, ever"? This of course, after yesterday, my husband promised to tidy the house as he invited a friend and his daughter over. Instead he went out shopping for fishing license and got our son a bow and arrow and I had to clean after playing mommy out & about all day. I don't want presents (we are incomeless at the moment), but I am feeling so starved for something even beyond sex (but sex is still at the core of it all).

[DanceQueen]

HDwife...I know that no one will feel sorry for *me* saying this...but I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel. YES I get the mind blowing sex and YES my husband is an amazing sex partner, I get all the bells and whistles, etc. My sex life rocks, yes it does.

HOWEVER....my sex drive is through the roof, and if I don't initiate and push for it, then we only have sex as often as HE wants it, which is 1x per week, sometimes more but many times LESS...add in to that, he doesn't want sex during my period, so there is always one week of no sex for sure each month. Lets break it down then: if it goes by his sex drive, that's once per week or less sometimes, and none on "that" week...meaning sometimes I would get sex twice in one month and that's all. This has happened more than once to me, so I know it will happen again any time I'm off guard and not making sure he knows I NEED IT MORE THAN THAT.

And just like you are describing, when I don't get it often enough, I get feeling so crappy, edgy and bitchy that I just want to check out. I want to run away from him and from my life and just pout in a corner somewhere. I don't like him, I feel angry with him, and I want to stop meeting any of his needs. When he is all happy and chipper I want to punch him. I feel like I am dying and that there is nothing anyone can do about it...oh wait...except my HUSBAND who could easily make me all happy and chipper again but he seems not to notice my mood nor why it might be happening...EVEN THOUGH we have had dozens and dozens of conversations about it! I slip into a self-defeating depression, and I even start searching out other destructive habits to do ANYTHING to make myself feel better (such as, I don't smoke cigarettes anymore, but I will start up again once in a while when he hasn't been taking care of my needs...and then I just feel lousy about myself but it does somehow take the edge off of my "pain" a little tiny bit...but why the F do I have to SMOKE when my husband is right there and could simply meet my needs so I wouldn't even feel the desire to smoke?)

I have a couple of close female friends who I can confide in about this - - when I'm feeling all crazed and crappy about going without for too long...and they know me really well so they kind of understand me...but neither of them have a sex drive like mine, so they say things like "go to the gym" or "meditate" or "go shopping". They mean well, but as you know hdwife, none of these things will actually meet your need for sex and intimacy, they will simply distract you for a short time. One of my friends says I should try to channel my sexual energy into some kind of artistic expression, which can help sometimes if I have something I am working on. But again, it won't do much more than distract me.

For some of us, sexual intimacy is a NEED, not a want. I feel like I'm starving or dying of thirst when he takes it away from me. Meanwhile, he feels just fine, happy and confident that he'll get sex again when that need hits him. It just hits him less often...it hits me every freaking day. No matter how I tell him, he forgets about my need.

Now...as I said on my thread...I have finally had a bit of luck (after conversations and trying and begging and counseling on and off for 6 years) in getting him to realize that no matter if he forgets, my need never stops and I will remind him and when I do, he needs to remember and take care of me right away. There are still times when he forgets, but at least as soon as I remind him he is all over it. This is the best its been since we've been together but...this only came about because I demanded that he commit to me that he will work with me on it, and also because I am willing to remind him constantly.

The "something" beyond sex you are starving for is connection, intimacy, bonding, and true communication. This isn't something that you should have to go without, which is why your spirit cries out so loudly when its missing. This is much more than just needing a release or an orgasm, because if that's all you need then masterbating makes the feeling go away.

I am very fortunate in that the sex we do have is very connected, very tantric, very mind blowing...and we really do have a constant solid connection all day, every day. I wouldn't trade my marriage for anyone else's. But I have to realize that I am not like all other people....having a huge sex drive means that I will likely always feel that yearning and sick, horrid feeling...because my husband is just never going to have a high drive like mine. His is normal, mine is through the roof.

I DO understand you. I start feeling that crappy feeling about 2 days after we've had sex and it stays with me, getting ever worse, until we have sex again.

One of my girlfriends suggested I do a pole dancing class. Yeah, just what I need. To drive my sexuality out of my body and express it, along with some strippers, rubbing around on a pole, in slutty shoes. Not for me, thanks. That would make me literally crazy, as if I'm not already sex crazed enough all the time. I would just come home demanding sex, and my husband wouldn't allow it anyway. He knows better than to let me out of the house with the intention of humping a pole!

I actually have done pole dancing before...so I know exactly what to expect. It would be a great suggestion for a low drive wife. Not so great for someone who can barely contain her sex drive all the time as it is!

DQ

[noob]

OMG, HDWife and DQ you both hit the nail right on the head for me!! I am in a one step back month and feeling exactly the same as you two have posted. DQ, I have done the same math you layed out for days of available sex. I was worried I was the only one who did this all the time. I even keep track of my W cycle to know where we are!!

Anyone have any good suggestions on what to do when you hit those one step back months? Last month was great success, this month not so much.

And yes I have been lurking and have never posted but sooo appreciate everyone who has opened up on the SSM board. I love all of you on this thread, your posts here and on other threads have helped me to hang in there these past couple months!

[HDwife]

What's a W cycle?

THANK YOU DQ for validating that I am not the only person in the world that feels this way. I'm happy that you are having such success. :-)

I on the other hand, completely lost it this morning. I swear that some demon in the refrigerator launched the glass butter dish at my head which I ducked but then had it shatter all over the floor while trying to deal with the monday fun of getting the kids to school on time (unsuccessful by 3 minutes). I screamed on the top of my lungs for a bit making everyone (including myself) think I've gone totally bonko. I got a good hour workout at the gym before my body started shutting down. I literally fell asleep in the steam room.

However, I went to a new age expo yesterday (haven't been to one in like 15 years) and a psychic accosted me (literally) and demanded to give me a reading (normally $375 but I could have one for $110. I told her I was willing to hear what she was so insistent on telling me for $30). Basically, my husband and I are brilliant soul mates that can move mountains literally. I should absolutely stay with him as he would drink poison to make into medicine. And, he should be getting his commission unpaid from his former employer and that there are no worries in the land of health, accidents, or money - all will be honky dory. So there, the psychic said so, so it must be so.

The aura reader told me that my aura is "not you" and that whatever toxic behavior I am engaging in needs to stop immediately... so, I guess pretending to be bunny hasn't been ideal so far. HA!

[GonnaGoBlind]

Mojo is on ftio.

[HDwife]

THANKS ggb. got it before its gone.

[noob]

"What's a W cycle?"

Sorry about that, a little too short on the short hand, my wife's menstral cycle was what I meant.

Hang in there HDwife I know how you feel. Some mornings I get up and my SSM seems to use all my brain power. I get to work and barely remember driving there. Like a SSM fog or something.

[HDwife]

It's been a bit since I posted... Mainly because I vowed to not initiate anything for a year and that got me nowhere so of course I broke that promise already. And of course we are back to our same crappy patterns. Sigh. I hate myself for how weak I am. I should just leave him for how crappy I feel about myself with him. Sucks to be me.