Retrouvaille means change

[TrentC]

Boy, is the post-Retro crash hitting!

I got almost 9 hours of sleep last night and I'm still lounging in bed. And that's just the physical exhaustion!

[SueS]

Trent-

I would have to say that I think it was a bit of a magical transformation for you two. You said that your wife moved away from it being the very last chance. That's huge, especially if she was in the place or state of mind that I was in when we went.

We did have what seemed to be a big transformation on our weekend but I am in no way saying that life is perfect now. We still have miles to go but as you said, we're in a better place and have a better way to deal with it all.

It's interesting to me to see where we stand on certain issues and how different our feelings can really be about them. We had opposing views and feelings on certain things but then when we had to write about a shared experience to show our feelings, we often would write about the same experience. One that caught us both off guard was how we'd both written about how my Grandmother's death affected us and how we'd come together to comfort each other at that time. She was an absolutely incredible woman who touched everyone she met. Yes, I knew her that way but I had no idea she'd had that affect on my H or meant that much to him.

I feel the same about the presenting couples as you do. They are incredible people. I've thought about how much it helped us. My H and I both cried during the weekend when certain subjects were talked about in the presenters situations. I think listening to how one of the wives was affected by her H's affair really hit home to my H. He finally saw that it wasn't just me falling apart at time. That was how the A really, truly affected me.

I encourage you to go to the post sessions. There have been two presenting couples from our weekend & post sessions that have said that the weekend had little affect on them.....BUT, the post sessions really did it for them. My biggest "AH HA" from the weekend was when they said that we all have our own timelines for forgiveness. Some have been cut deeper than others. And, that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting.

A wonderful lady on this board talked about Retro 2-3 years ago. I researched it because of her. I'm glad I went. I wish we would have gone earlier or known of it earlier. However, I think we both had to be in the right place, time & mindset for it to be right for us. Thankfully it was all of those.

NOCODE!!! Thanks for the post. I'm hoping to have time to get back here more often. Work & life have been busy, busy, busy. And, my FIL had been sick too.

Saffie....got your message. Thanks sweetie!

Take Care- Sue

[Rob1231]

Sue!!! I'm really happy to hear that H has started turning things around WRT to the drinking. I hope the good news keeps on coming for you!!

[Lotus]

It is true that is seems so easy for the spouse to underestimate the intensity of your feelings until he/she hears them expressed by someone else. Then they are really moving! That is one of the things I liked best about Retrouvaille. My husband heard everything about how I felt, but it didn't come from me!

[TrentC]

We went to our first post session.

First, a confession; I mentioned that I asked her to do the daily homework on Wednesday, and she didn't want to. So I told her I would email her the question, we could write on it separately, then come back together. I found out today that she had written on the question, and was waiting for me to bring it up. I, assuming from her previous reactions that she was just going to ignore the email, did not.

So I will begin emailing her the questions and writing on them myself, regardless of what she does.

The first post session was a big difference from the intensity of the weekend. At the end, I asked her if she would consider going to next week's session, and she said "I don't know yet."

[Lotus]

T,

It seems to me that you indulge her too much. There is real work to do, and it won't get done if you don't pursue it. The homework is very important. The post sessions are good, but they can't fix your marriage. You guys have to do the work. My H was lazy when we got home. I insisted that we had to dialogue not less than 4 times a week. 20 minutes four times a week is not a huge imposition on anyone's time!

[What next]

Hi,

I have been thinking about Retrouvaille for some time but unfortunately my seperated wife and I are not there yet. She is still in withdrawal from her A and deciding if she wants to make the marriage work again. She doesn't want to take the easy way back tot he marriage I do have a question though. Much of what my W is currently going through has alot to do with herself, even though she blames the demise of the marriage 100% on me (Trust me I own my issues and have resolved them and she has recognized this)but she doesn't see that she has a part to play (i.e low self esteem childhood issues). She is also going through MLC and discovered her sexuality through this affair. Does Retrouvaille addressissues of the "self" and help the unfaithful spouse understand the affair?

[TrentC]

Does Retrouvaille addressissues of the "self" and help the unfaithful spouse understand the affair?

Retrouvaille is aimed primarily at helping two spouses reconnect and learn to communicate effectively. While you can use the tools they supply to help discuss these issues, you are really encouraged to focus on where you are presently and how to improve the relationship going forward.

A quote from yesterday's post session: "You can't change the past, and you can't predict the future; all you can do is focus on the here and now."

[TBL]

TrentC,

I am off to my Retrouvaille weekend this weekend with my reluctant wife. She hasn't said this is our last chance, but I feel that it is.

Any advice as it appears it went pretty well for you.

[TrentC]

The same advice I was given:

* Go with an open heart and an open mind.
* Trust the presenting couples and the process.

A lot of the couples who are there will be in the same boat as you are, if not worse; there was one couple that left late Friday or early Saturday on our weekend, and there is another couple that are obviously uncomfortable with each other, even at the post sessions.

I won't say that we are out of the woods, but it gave us a good starting point to hopefully rebuild our relationship.