Call it defeatism or enlightenment (or maybe both), but I am no longer treating my sex life as looking a gift horse in the mouth. All I can do is change my attitudes and try to lower the importance of sex in my life if I have any hope of true happiness.
Yeah, I kind of tried that too, but it didnt' work for me. Perhaps it's different in your case, or for women in general. But in my case, trying to ignore my sex drive and not doing any long-term planning for appropriate outlets just led to even higher and more intense levels of sexual desire and fantatizing and less "appropriate" activities.
That is, if you're anything like me, after years of seemingly successfully sublimating your sexual desires, you'll one day run into somebody or a situation where your closeted pent-up sexual desires come to the forefront with vengeance!
ssmguy - I've scanned a handful of your posts, and it seems as though you are a horny, but still fairly conservative romantic like me. I think the reason you won't divorce your wife is because you hope to win her over and you really like the pursui, and that she hasn't given in to you keeps her sexually intriguing to you?
I wonder, just wonder, how happy you or I would really be if we did get %ucked to sleep each night by our mates? Maybe we would actually not be so HD. Maybe it's the futile pursuit that drives us? That somehow we are using our interest in coupling to mask our insecurities in connecting more deeply on other levels? just thinking out loud...
Met/Sex: 3/93, married 2000 HD ME: 38 (Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon) LD HE: 37 (Cancer Sun & Moon) DD: 8.5, DS: 7 Intimate 2x/lunar cycle before cutting self off in attempt to change behavior pattern
Yes, it's the chase to some degree, but also because I enjoy my wife's company in many other ways. My marriage has always been based on more than just sex -- or is that a surprise to anyone?
If I had partnered sex every night, with imagination, humor, variety, role-playing, etc., it would take a long time before I got tired of it.
To be clear, I've had sex averaging once every day for decades. It's PARTNERED sex that's been missing. I don't think my biological drive would drop just because it became partnered!
Ssm - I fail to find the "inappropriate" in your nonpartneted encounters.
Anyway, I'm just thinking aloud - Im trying to ultimately enhance my sex life, nit subjugate it.
So far the infamous holiday of romance has been pretty lackluster in my house. Hope others are enjoying more than me.
Met/Sex: 3/93, married 2000 HD ME: 38 (Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon) LD HE: 37 (Cancer Sun & Moon) DD: 8.5, DS: 7 Intimate 2x/lunar cycle before cutting self off in attempt to change behavior pattern
Yeah, the infamous holiday was lackluster at my house too. We exchanged chocolates and my wife cooked a great dinner. But no sex at all, no rain check, not even a mention of it. Of course, that's no surprise.
Sorry, ssm. I didn't find a thread that outlines your situation completely, but I recall that your wife did say she was done with sex years ago, right? Do you bring up that you are trying to change that status quo or do you pretend everything is honkey dorey? I totally understand how feeling completely rejected on that level by the woman you love is so, so painful.
My situation is a bit different. I am most definitely HD but I just want the orgasm and while lingerie, role play, toys, etc are certainly interesting, I could live just fine with missionary and doggy style every night. The prob is I love that oxycontin release so much that I start being more agressive in sexual pursuit. Oggling, groping, and flat out requests/demands emasculate my husband-completely counterproductive to my ultimate goal. I just see that we've been stuck with a regular sex life that barely keeps both of us from going insane rather than an adaquate (at least in terms of frequency for me) sex life that at least isn't competely undermining our love and growth together as a couple.
Ultimately it's about pushing our partners buttons the right way. Good luck with whatever you are trying to accomplish - for me, 1 year no overt sexual advances. It's only been 4 days since I made this commitment, and already my husband is wondering what the heck is going on. Since I have backed off (truly, not just half hearted in the past), he's been sniffing around.
The valentine card I gave him really got a reaction. Usually i get blatantly amorous cards (as in king kong sexy), but this year I gave him a pretty handmade (not by me) card of a window with birds outside (reminds me of our house just purchased last year). Inside I wrote, "you may not have feathers, but I still like being part of your flock. Thanks for being me friend. Happy valentines day. Love, xx". He really grabbed onto the whole friend bit and laid down to cuddle and figure out what that was all about. I said I was trying to be cute and sweet. He asked why I didn't say "husband", to which I replied "I guess I could have". He (HE!) pushed the envelope then saying "or lover" and I bit my tongue completely. Not.a.peep. he got up to get on the computer shortly afterward. I asked if he was all done cuddling/talking and he said he'd be right back after shutting down. After about 20min, I went to get water and walked past him completely ignoring him which got his attention. He asked what I was doing to which I simply replied getting a drink before going to sleep. Dang if he didn't join me in that quest. Today, shut-eye. Tomorrow, ??. Baby steps.
ps: this whole being coy thing is new to me... Why hasn't anyone bitten on the prior thread on this board? What was the reference not intriguing?
Met/Sex: 3/93, married 2000 HD ME: 38 (Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon) LD HE: 37 (Cancer Sun & Moon) DD: 8.5, DS: 7 Intimate 2x/lunar cycle before cutting self off in attempt to change behavior pattern
ps: this whole being coy thing is new to me... Why hasn't anyone bitten on the prior thread on this board? What was the reference not intriguing?
I have wondered about your references to previous activity here... when were you on before? What was your username? I guess I've just been assuming I wouldn't have seen you, if you were active in the past few years, because I was off the board since '06...
Hey Tim - thanks for playing! I scanned your post list, and it seems you were not on board in 07, so you don't know my prior DB SSM posting self.
Met/Sex: 3/93, married 2000 HD ME: 38 (Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon) LD HE: 37 (Cancer Sun & Moon) DD: 8.5, DS: 7 Intimate 2x/lunar cycle before cutting self off in attempt to change behavior pattern
ps: Silverado, sad to hear you are grumpy. nose strips are lots of fun, tho. I am still waiting for the day when I can take over a department and have a biore party (shedding the ugly of the prior reign).
I didn't find a thread that outlines your situation completely, but I recall that your wife did say she was done with sex years ago, right? Do you bring up that you are trying to change that status quo or do you pretend everything is honkey dorey? I totally understand how feeling completely rejected on that level by the woman you love is so, so painful. 
I scanned your post list, and it seems you were not on board in 07, so you don't know my prior DB SSM posting self.