Db not working, MLC spouse pushing D

[foreverhesaid]

I have been a lurker for a while and have never started my own thread, although I have posted on some other peoples. My quick sich - Husband in MLC for about 1.5 years, was turning 40, started to withdraw from family and me, Bomb drop of PA with old girlfriend happened Dec 2008. I did all of the wrong things, just about gave up, but found this website in April 09.

Started DB-ing and things seemed slowly better after a long while. Husband started staying a home, only left every other weekend, although was spending alot of time on computer. I GAL, started dancing and painting, H started to tell me I looked better, seemed more interested in ML. I stopped snooping so wasn't really sure if OW was still in picture although hoped he seemed to be more interested in me and US. He made future statements, talked about retirement, all things that made me think he saw a future together.

Last week, he asked to talk to me, and I thought he might finally start to share his feelings. Instead, he brought up divorce, which had not been mentioned since the original bomb over a year ago in Dec. He said that he had noticed changes in me, he could feel my love for him, but that he was just done. <sigh> As you can imagine this was a real kick in the teeth. Just as I thought things were improving I get kicked back to square one.

So, I suppose my practical question is, how do I address the divorce when he wants to bring it up? I feel like I have to have some idea of what he wants, and yet for DB-ing we're not supposed to talk about it. We own our own business, so I obviously have to see what he intends there too. As the president its going to cause a major shakeup when he decides to leave.

Also, If I did 180's and he said he noticed changes and it wasn't enough - is that cheeseless tunnel? Do I 180 back to how I was? That doesn't seem to make sense. Sorry, my head is spinning. I'd love any insight if this has happened to someone else. I still don't want to give up, because I still really feel like its the MLC talking and not my real husband. OW is already a two time marriage loser, now is breaking up our marriage, they of course think they're soulmates but I still don't see it lasting. How can the third time be a charm when their relationship is started in infidelity?

[job]

Dbing is actually for you...it helps you to find your footing during the crisis. Your h has entered the MLC tunnel and nothing will turn him back until his crisis is done. However, the changes you have been making must be for you and not to try to make him change his mind. The changes must become permanent and very real. Are you happy w/the changes that you have done thus far for you? If so, please do not revert back to your old self.

If he brings up the subject divorce, some have said that they need some time to adjust to the idea, others change the subject and hope that it will create a change in the person's thinking during the moment. The words separation and divorce are often used as control measures when we get too close for their comfort. As for him being done, yes, he's done because he's depressed and he doesn't have any feelings for you or the situation right now. In fact, he's searching for something that will make him happy once again....unfortunately, happiness coms from within. He's discover this along the way, but not for a long time to come.

I would strongly suggest that you start moving funds to a new account, removing your name off joint accounts, etc. Your man has entered the twilight zone and spending will be one of the major self medications along the way.

As for the third time a charm...well houses built on sand will eventually crack. The less you say to him about her the better. Why? Because, in his mind, he has to defend her from you and others who may frown upon the relationship.

It's time to start focusing on you, your finances, and family. I'm very sorry you are here, but this journey that he's taking will be a long one. You are on the coaster ride from h@ll. Buckle up!

[foreverhesaid]

Thanks so much, Snodderly. I have read many of your words of wisdom in the past - they really do help. You are completely correct, the Db-ing should be for me, I guess I lost sight of that in my panic. I do like myself much better now - I'm such a great catch and it just bothers me that my H can't see it!!!

I was thinking along the same lines, asking my H to get his own credit card (I don't think he has one, but it could be one of the things he's lied about). Then only using 'our' card for household expenses. Maybe that would give him a smack of reality.

Thanks for your support.

[job]

If you find that he's using the "joint" card entirely too much, call the card company and report the card lost. Request that the remaining balance be transferred to a new account number. If he remains on the joint card, you will be liable for any debt he incurs for the time being.

I wouldn't ask him to get a separate card, I would just go ahead and either have your name removed off the joint one or open up a new one, but the only thing that matters is that your name isn't on the same account with his name...you don't want to be paying his debt off as well as what may already be on that card.

[foreverhesaid]

So a few weeks have gone by and there was no further mention of divorce. I had started some new projects around the house that kept me busy. Not that I asked him to help, but he is very controlling and somehow I always found he had to be around to give me advice on how to hang wallpaper, etc. AT one time he even asked me if these changes had anything to do with 'us and whats going on'. I didn't know how to reply to that, doesn't everything pertain to us? Anyway, two day ago when taking a break after painting a bathroom he asked to talk to me.

What came out was 'you have to let me go." He claims that he loves me, but can no longer be my husband. He even said 'I'm not the man you married." No kidding, the guy I married I never thought would be a liar or commit adultery or do all of the other crazy MLC things that have occured.

He says that he has been researching different types of divorce in our state, and he wants to do whatever will get him out the quickest. Supposedly in NY there is some sort of mutually agreed upon divorce where you just sign papers, use a lawyer to file and basically divy up the assets as you agree upon. He sent me an email listing websites talking about this type of divorce.

Having this thrust in my face definitely set me way back. I know we're not supposed to show emotion, but somehow I just couldn't keep myself together and broke down sobbing. I've managed to get through the days since then but I certainly feel like I'm in a hole.

How do I DB from here? I feel like there is only so much I can do to delay the inevitable. Do I try to pull way back and give him even more space? He just seems eager to get away from me as quick as possible. Some things he said make no sense. During the talk he even said "you're my best friend and even after we're divorced I don't want to be adversarial. I still want to be able to call you and maybe go out to lunch if I'm in town." As if I want to exchange my husband for a casual lunch date. He indicated that 'once things are settled' he plans on moving in with OW who lives on the other end of the state. Then before I went to bed he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug, he hasn't shown any spontaneous affection towards me for months that I can remember.

I don't want a divorce, I don't believe in it and I take my marriage vows very seriously. I guess I need some encouragement. I like me, I like my GAL stuff and I know that I can survive this - I just didn't want to give up entirely and let him go. Am I perhaps prolonging his MLC by attempting to save us?

[kjensen]

I don't know if you've checked out my threads..but I've been there..right where you are. It really stinks and it really hurts-more than you imagine.

More distance might help. As much as you don't feel friendly-try to be, or at least don't share all of those ugly feelings of hurt with your H...that will make him think he's making the right choice..he's not.

I had to make alot of mental shifts once my H asked (the second time) and filed (this time)for divorce. I, too, believe in my marriage vows, and truly believed I would never get divorced..thought I would be a failure if I divorced...

Those are beliefs you'll need to examine-find out where they come from, if they are serving well...

DBing is for us, as Snodderly said. It was/is never about saving the marriage-although we all hope that will be our outcome..but MLC is a different animal than just typical marriage issues...DBing helps the LBSes... find ourselves, detach from unhealthy patterns, take a good objective look at that marriage relationship..all kinds of benefits to be found!

Focu on you, as much as you can...let go of the rope to your H a bit..detach as much as you can day-by-day...it really does get better and you WILL be OK, whether you end up divorced or not.

((HUGS))

[foreverhesaid]

Hi, KJensen!

Yes, I have read quite a few of your posts, It really does suck to be here. I wish you much strength on your own journey.

I will try to hold in the hurt, part of me really wants to spew at him, to share my anger at how he so casually destroyed us and seems to have no problems walking away from everything we worked to build together. And yet I guess I also should have expected it, seeing over the past year how he has 'divorced' himself from friends, siblings, parents, my family. Guess I was the last one left to leave.

I truly do feel like I will be a failure if we divorce. Both of our parents are married for close to 40 years, grandparents together, siblings together with their spouses. I was so sure of his love and thought I had married a good guy and a rock, it devastated me to find out otherwise. I realize this isn't my fault, husband has had problems with deep depression for years, was diagnosed with serious illness year after we were married. I never considered this a burden, just part of dealing with things that come up with people you love. Its part of why this hurts so much, I feel like he hit 40, suddenly things got a bit difficult (for him) to deal with aging, and it was 'see you later...." I know it isn't entirely ALL his fault, I'm not perfect, but I feel like at least I'm willing to give an effort to save us, whereas he seems like he could care less.

Thanks for the reminder to focus on me. That is one of the things that I do find hard to do, I have spent so much of my life and marriage making sure everything is ok for others. When ever my husband had a need I tried to fill it, yes often at the expense of what I wanted. This is definitely a new thing trying to do what I want. Part of the house renovations were a start in that direction - I started to think "I've always hated that wallpaper...we could really use a new lamp..." and decided to change those things. Small start I know, but I guess it at least gave me a small measure of control when I feel like everything else is spinning beyond my reach.

It does help to know that others are in the same situation, no one I personally know seems to have gone through this.

[kjensen]

The thing that seems to help me is to pull away from the situation a bit, and remember to try NOT to take it personally(even though it definitely feels like a very personal rejection)- because it is MLC.

I guess the beauty of this board, the wisdom and experience of the posters here has helped me to (sometimes!) get a more distant perspective. Realizing that my H is going through this journey, this turmoil without much understanding or awareness (especially of the effects his actions have on his family)is hard and sad and maddening, but it also means that my H isn't doing what he is doing with any prupose other than to try and feel better than he does-and as we know..it doesn't work. He has to figure that out for himself.

We have to let go of the rope, let our husbands learn what they have to learn even if it hurts us to the core,even if it leaves a wake of destruction. We can't do it for them. If we still love them in the end of their MLC and are still waiting, well then there is a possiblity of reconciliation. No guarantees.

If we are not there and have moved on, we certainly gave it our very best and waited as long as we could and should only feel proud that we lasted as long as we did, and kept moving on our own journey. Ultimately we are only responsible for our actions.

We, the LBSes, have been given the gift of insight- at least that is how I choose to see it.

Decorating your place is a good start to figuring out what YOU like. Learning to detach will help get you through this.

I know it isn't entirely ALL his fault, I'm not perfect, but I feel like at least I'm willing to give an effort to save us, whereas he seems like he could care less.

Realize this isn't the usual 'fix-it-with-therapy' marriage-in-crisis scenario. My H and I did the marriage counseling thing for 6 months, H was gung-ho and even initiated it. Then his efforts died down and he just stopped working at it and popped the divorce request on me... In MLC, your H doesn't want to work at anything-he wants to be a carefree teenager..its not personal...he doesn't have a clue right now...and you can't clue him in..tried it myself-doesn't work just makes them angry...

By focusing on you(what you can control), you will focus less on him(and what you can't control). It is empowering. It is hard when you haven't focused on yourself in a long time..it might feel self-centered..but that isn't necessarily a bad thing..centering on your self..its OK and probably overdue. If you don't consider yourself, who will?

One day at a time.

[Cadet]

Sorry you are here.
In regards to the D that your H is in such a hurry for, I would validate whatever he says but agree to nothing. In NY State you must agree to a LS and after that 1 year later you are D. If you do not agree to a LS then the D can be faster. I know it sounds weird but that is my understanding of the way it works here. I would get a free consultation with a L just to confirm what I am saying.
I assume that you have read the resources. If you need links you can let me know and I will put them on your thread.

You are getting good advice and you seem to be in control of the sich. Let us know if you have any ??? and we can try to help.

[foreverhesaid]

Thanks for the info and advice everyone. It helps to have a listening ear.

OP, I certainly want to contact a lawyer only to get an idea of how the process works, however I am also afraid that that might escalate things. Since he dropped second divorce bomb, there has been no mention. I thought now that he was really really certain this is what he wanted that he would be making plans, wanting to sit down and talk over finances, etc. But there has been nothing. Thank you, I have read a lot of the resources.

Since that time one week ago there have been several instances where he was actually exceedingly kind and thoughtful. The downstairs bathroom that I stripped - we found out the wallpaper won't be in for a few weeks. My H offered to paint it so that when my parents come to visit in 2 weeks the room would look nice. Parental visit has nothing to do with D -bomb, it was already planned. I was surprised that he would care how things looked, after all, doens't he want to leave all of this?

Also, on St Patricks day when I came home from my GAL dance lesson he had made reuben sandwiches for dinner and gotten drinks, even bought a silly horror movie he thought I might like. First you rip my heart out, and now you're being nice? I wondered if this was a way for him to assuage some of his guilt.

Today we have off from work and I thought surely he would broach the Divorce topic. Instead, he spent hours transferring files from old computers to our new one, all stuff from the 80's that he either recorded or wrote. I know that this is his 'escape time' the late teenage years, when OW was his girlfriend so many years ago. Is he trying to run away not only from me, but the divorce issue as well? I know you can't tell me that, but it does make me wonder.

I'm still trying to focus on me, I went outside and started some yard cleanup, not only because it has to be done, but also to get some distance from him.