Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[SusanA]

Hi NM,
Glad to hear you have covered yourself -- the research shows that women tend to "give away" too much at the outset out of kindness. You don't want to presume that your husband, who promised so much, would bail on responsibilities but it happens so often. I think sometimes that's because they are cut off from their kids (unavoidable to some extent when you've left -- or been kicked out of -- the home.

Legislating dads' involvement is a good step forward, but every sitch is different and it can't replace them in the home.

[newmama]

I started practicing my belly dancing DVD! S watches my arms and hands like he is mesmerized, LOL! Wonder what he'll think when I wear my coin skirt!

Now some tips: it is not a race...move sloooowly, keep a "seductive/coy" look on your face, master a few moves before adding more, and do not dress up in full costume unless getting paid for a professional performance!

But it is definitely intense, like pilates.

My cousin is coming to babysit S so I can get my house caught up!When WH takes S overnight, I want to try to relax, work out, enjoy time to myself tonight instead of cleaning! Am going to make a recipe from my Cooking Light cookbook but I don't know what yet.

[flowmom]

newmama, it sounds like GAL is going really well for you! I've met many women who really enjoyed bellydancing. I hope you have a great evening.

[newmama]

confession--after being a single mom to one baby for the past 3 days and 3 nights I AM READY FOR A BREAK!!!!

How does Undefeated and other wives in the service do it for MONTHS?????

COOOO COO COOO COO...5:30 PLEASE GET HERE

Of course I would prefer that WH didn't take him overnight--a couple hours of taking over would be enough for a break!

Am thinking of my light margarita...1 hour 40 minutes to go!

[flowmom]

newmama, totally understandable! I remember watching the clock...being alone with a baby is so exhausting.

[newmama]

okay I am relieved of baby duty! It is worse right before bed and then all day tomorrow waiting for S to return! But I seem to be okay being away for a few hours, heh heh!

So WH complimented me on the house and seemed interested in chatting a little...sharing some stuff about a buddy from his work.

He made eye contact with me but then would look away if I held his gaze too long.

I was sure not to let on that I was ready for a break because I do not wanted to help him feel better about taking him!!!

[newmama]

Oh yeah- WH said "he smells like your perfume!' I said "oh, sorry!" heh heh heh!

[newmama]

Just talked to my DB coach. Major points:

1)good that WH didn't bring up D after holidays

2)good job being mysterious andGALing but I can "drop some hints" to raise his curiousity

3)doesn't recommend I go dark because I am getting some progress currently but to mix it up; be gone some days, be present others

4)when WH drops comments that elude to divorced life in the future (i.e. day care comment, taxes, etc.) then to note that it could be something triggered him to make those comments;like he is using them to establish distance between us; if I was persuing for example he might make a comment to put the wall up. If OW was pressuring him he might make that comment too. If he was having a good time with me and felt confused he could make the comment. So I guess I should just not read too much into them.

5) He assured me that "acting happy" might give WH the impression that I am happy and be prepared for him to say "I'm glad you are getting on with your life; you seem happy so let's divorce."

But that was good because you don't want a spouse to come back to you out of obligation or guilt; like if he couldn't D me because he thought it would cause me too much pain.So he returns but is not in it 100%; is miserable.

He told me if WH said that, I was to respond to the first comment only and say "yes, I have had fun learning to belly dance...it's quite erotic actually! Some moves are trickier than others but I love it so far! And yes, I have been getting to different wine bars around the Portland area and met some new friends. Oh and ever since my friend introduced me to Super Mario Bros on the wii I have been loving it...I went and got one and have been working my way through the levels!"

He said to just tell short 30 second stories. And then change the subject! WH might not bring up divorce again.
BUT if he does pursue the topic, I am to say

"You know, I want both of us to live happy, rich, fulfilled lives. I believe that we deserve to have that together. As you can see I have already started. But if you don't want that with me, so be it."

Drop the rope. Be done. (like I suspected- dropping the rope means I GIVE UP! YOU WIN ALREADY! SHEEEEEESH!)
WH could still go throught with the D. Or maybe not.

Let's see....so he just warned me to mentally prepare for any comments that might hurt me or talk of divorce and rehearse my response. Visualize it so I will be emotionally prepared.

And he reminded me that this is a human experiment. So I need to monitor results...look for changes from him (duh). He did ask me if I saw anything positive lately.

All I had was he has been doing more acts of service and seems happy to see me...but it could be guilt. He just said that all I have to measure my results is his behavior so whether or not it is motivated by guilt, I don't know. But if I implement A and he increases acts of service, it could be a result of implementation of A. It's something different, he said.

So I feel a combination of validation for what I have been doing, encouragement and then "impending doom."

Oh he said if I am having a down day then to be gone for sure! That makes sense!

Yeah and one more thing--he said at some point that both WH and I deserve to be happy but that WH needs to see that he will be happier with ME, not OW, so I need to be the best newmama I can be. Then he said "and even if you divorce, you want WH to be happy right, I mean you don't want him to be miserable..."

I said "well, only since he is the father of my child! hahaha."

[newmama]

crickets...

[courageous wife]

You sounds really good newmama! How many sessions with your coach have you had? I have had one, 2 weeks ago and ready for another session! Amazing how they can pump you up!!!