First of all, I have to say how nice it is that all of you take time to post to me. I have been away for awhile, and there are so many new names left in the wake of a marriage gone bad.
Well, STBXW and her attorney are refusing to provide her 401K and Social Security statements so that we can figure out what portion of my two pensions she’s “entitled” to. Her attorney says there is a Supreme Court decision re: Social Security benefits…blah, blah, blah, blah……………….
She will take this to the wire. Reminds me of the old line from Vietnam news footage: “We had to destroy the village to save it!” I agree that a court will most likely award her less than she is being offered now.
She scoffed at both the mediator’s and the Special Master’s offers, saying she couldn’t “possibly live on those insulting figures!” Sure, if you intend on keeping the $550,000 house and not changing your lifestyle. Roger. Got it!
For the record, I showed up at 7:30 at STBXs residence and signed the worksheet for S11. D17 asked for $258 today to take Advanced Placement Exams. I told her to ask STBX if she would pay half. If she says no, I told D17, “I’ll pay it all”. I don’t care. I don’t need anything from STBX. I paid for a $60 field trip last week, and $50 in medication yesterday. I want NOTHING from STBX.
Unfortunately, crazy STBX has taken a toll on my relationship with Gym Woman. She didn’t think I should sign S11’s assignment, because it looked like STBX was being controlling. I told her I would contact the school, but changed my mind and just signed the paper. STBX was taking hostages, and I wanted nothing to do with it. I didn’t tell Gym Woman I was going to sign the paper, and I probably should have just told her in the beginning that I disagreed with her assessment. When she asked, if I had signed it, I told her the truth. (It’s never the act; it’s the cover up that gets you in trouble) She felt that by not telling her, it was an act of omission on my part, and I get that.
I told her that I should have had the courage to confront her and tell her I disagreed with her assessment at the beginning. I was so used to just not wanting any confrontation with STBX when we were together, I would have done anything to keep the peace. Being direct and candid can be helpful when dealing with a rational person like Gym Woman. She is a smart woman, but she’s in a tough situation, and I’d be at the end of my rope if I was in her place. It’s tough to convince her that I’m doing stuff for my kids, not to please STBX, but she thinks that STBX lives by the motto “Negative attention is better than no attention at all”.
She has been divorced for 9 years, and this stupid behavior is so behind her.
I explained to her that I signed the paper, because I didn’t want my son to have to be totally stressed out, going to school, waiting for me to contact the school and explain why the paper wasn’t signed.
Life isn’t easy!
PS I feel like a DB BB parasite, taking, but never posting to you guys!
Taking care of something for your son IS the right thing. And you can agree to disagree with Gym Woman but your R with your son and how you handle your arrangements regarding him are NOT her business at all. If Josh ever told me how to handle my kids - I would tell him to BUTT OUT.
I can understand GW's frustration with your ex wife - heck - I am frustrated with your ex wife but then - that is NOT your R with her. If I were you - I would minimize discussion about what is going on with your ex. And try to stay out of the drama! Josh was frustrated at my upsets with my ex in the early days but I realized it was taking a bit of a toll on our R. He also told me that the fact he continued to push my buttons was a sign that I was not truly "over" him. And in hindsight - I think he was right.
When I finally stopped letting Chuck have such an effect on me. When I didn't respond to the snap of his fingers or go off the deep end for the horror he continued to bestow on me - everything got better.
Put it this way. You KNOW what your ex is like. Just always expect her to be that way but don't bait her or fight with her. Just do what needs to be done then walk away. Funny how they stop fighting with us when they don't get the attention they crave. Liken it to a demanding, spoiled child. Hmmm - see the connection.
I'd talk to GW about this and her perception of "lying by ommisson" - how about "sparing her the gory details". I think that you need to tell her you'd rather deal with some of the yucky stuff from your past R without involving her in all of it. & she should be mature enough to handle that. JMHO.
And you DID do right by just signing the paper. You knew it was the right thing to do. Listen to your gut. Barb
I think you give and take as needed on these boards. Never feel bad for what you need.
I am not in a relationship but I think what Barb says is right on as far as dealing with your stbx. It is between you and your stbx and no reason to bring another party into it. Vent here and let GW know that is your game plan. You aren't hiding anything, you are just keeping those parts of your life seperate for now.
hank in there.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I see the homework situation differently.. upon reflection.
You're lucky to be involved in a school system to know how things work.
Unfortunately, it's your son's, your daughters' responsibility to have their own relationship with each parent. It's also the kids' responsibility to to make sure that deadlines are met between two households. It's when that falls apart that things get dicey.
Stay out of an emotional triangle.. like the one between your obligation to your son to sign the paper, your son and your wife's reaction. As you found she'll balk at doing anything that puts the onus on her. Apologize to your son for not signing, remind him that you get distracted too and to pester you more than once if you don't follow through. Commit to doing your part of taking ownership and dealing with the person involved, whether it be teacher, coach.. etc.
If a mishap happens with a school issue, contact the teacher, tell the teacher what happened and deal directly with the problem at hand without putting your divorcing spouse in the loop. Do not involve a her if you're at fault. Remember things that were done without any problem while married crumble in divorce.
I tell you.. the 401(k) refusal sounds like a bunch of hooey. If hers isn't going to be factored into the divorce, then neither should yours. Who knows.. maybe her lawyer is churning, taking advantage of overemotional divorcing spouses with a sense of entitlement or she's forcing it. And no one cared that I wouldn't be able to afford what the Special Masters recommended. Going to trial is a crap shoot on her part. Talk to your lawyer and let them handle it.
It's tough when it comes to your daughters and reasonable requests that are asked upfront. I'd suggest telling your daughter you'll gladly pay half.. and do that. Otherwise your divorcing spouse will continue to put the burden on payment to you. Your daughter has a job and could swing the difference. Even though as parents we want to provide everything for our kids, in divorce everyone learns boundaries.. especially if you're living in compromised circumstances. However, since you already committed to paying for the entire fee if her mother refuses, it's your obligation to follow through. Keep your word impeccable with your child. The consistency helps immensely.
I'm glad you have such a positive relationship with your girlfriend. However, you're the father of your children and it's your job to raise them. She has input but not veto power. The balancing of your relationships between your kids and girlfriend has always seemed difficult. This is a time to define your boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable.
And your time with your divorcing spouse has taught you to capitulate and feel helpless in the process. Your relationship with your girlfriend helps you start anew. But you both tote your own fears along as you get to know each other.
Accept each other's warts. Don't be afraid to own up to them. After all, relationships slowly erode if fear becomes a stronger motivator than honesty.
From what you've written, your girlfriend seems to have abandonment issues. Reassure her of your commitment but that you have a responsibility as a loving father and parent. I can tell you, my former spouse cutting ties with his children is appalling, something that can never be taken back.
Decide what your priorities are and be consistent.
I think not constantly being on the board is a beautiful thing, and returning for help and support even more wonderful. It means you're living your life fully and know where and how to get help that helps.
And one last thing.. consider individual counseling to learn healthy boundaries which will lead to a better more wonder FLTC.
Thanks for all of your advice! It really is taking a toll on me!
She's draining AND CALCULATING. I filed my income tax and gave D17 a copy so that she could fill out financial aid forms.
Wouldn't you know STBX got her hands on it and pointed out that I was claiming $8000 more in "unallocated support" than she had.
She may be right. I checked the IRS regulation in hindsight. We didn't have a formal court agreement until she took me to court on March 1st after I cut back my "voluntary contributions" to her. From Jan-March 1, 2009, I gave her $3500 a month because "I tried to do the right thing".
She's now claiming (and maybe rightfully so) that I can't deduct the January-March 1st contributions because we had no formal agreement!
I now will owe the Federal Government $2100 if she's right, as I suspect that she is! It's only money.............
I know exactly what you mean. It does take a toll. I have 3 sons. I know how this impacts them. Your son is what- 8 years old? I think that's right. My babies were 12 when their dad moved out. They will be 20 tomorrow. The garbage of the D still impacts them. All you can do is do what's right for them. You did the right thing by signnng that paper for your son. I know I told you about my nephew who got the dear john letter in Iraq. He has custody of his son now, but his son - a 7 year old - who now has ulcurs. Divorce harms our kids. What matters is how we respond to them. All we can do is do what's right for the kids.
I know your STBX is a loon, just as you do, but I applaud you for doing the right thing by your son. Kudos to you.
Welllllllll! My attorney's paralegal called me back on Friday and told me:
"I've got the Pendete Lite agreement right here and guess what? IT'S BACKDATED TO JANUARY 8TH, so STBX's claim that the money you gave her before March 1st was a gift is without substance"
That gives me the green light to claim an additional 8K in money that I GAVE HER! She's UNBELIEVABLE, but BOOYAH for me!
Tonight I called S11 on the cell phone that I bought him at 10:14, after spending the whole weekend with him! I took him to his hockey games on Saturday and Sunday, and then took him to STBX's at 7PM.
STBX flipped out and took his phone away, saying "Why is he calling you this late?! I'm going to flush this phone down the toilet!"
He went clandestine and called me on his sister's phone!
