Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[hhh]

Hey Pearl,
Just stopping by in your thread to say hello. Sounds like we have a little SF fan club and hard to believe I will be there in just over a month. Anyways, wanted to say I SO relate to your dilemna..when H and I were engaged I was having a lot of doubts ("is he the one?" "am I ready?" "what else is out there?" etc...all the stuff we've talked about)...even though life was good w him and I was getting settled into my new home/location w him, these doubts kept creeping up. I was contemplating moving back to NYC at the time. Mulled over it constantly, talked to IC, Friends, etc and got so frustrated with myself that I just did not know (i know we've talked about grass greener scenario too, etc). My friends always told me that moving would be a good test...do you miss being without him (he couldnt come right away)? and if the relationship was strong, H would then move too and i'd be in an envt where I was happier.

It sounds like w/o him you know SF is right call for you...but with him different considerations, of course. I remember feeling guilt in trying to make H move for me. Good to know where you stand w R first, I think, however if you do move and he comes shortly after you can also test how you feel out there, and how you feel without him (without breaking up).

Lots to consider I know. Hope the IC helps. It's hard to know what to do when you're confused but it sounds like you're doing all the right thinking. We can drive ourselves crazy overthinking too much though, no? What does your gut say? If you had to flip a coin and one answer was heads and the other tails, how do you immediately feel? I think you'll make the right decision for you.

Also, one thing I wanted to add was that when I often felt dis-satisfied in my M (and I did this more toward the end) I thought: 'what is it that I'm missing in my lfe?' I mean, outside of the M? Sometimes we look for M to bring utter bliss but often times there's something else that's missing entirely, or an issue w job, envt, hobbies, attitude, whatever? If you could create your life from a totally clean slate, what would you do? (you posed that to me awhile back) Is there something else that's missing? Sounds like your life is already quite full, but I know the issues can blend together a bit too (w location, job, R all things you are mulling through). For me, pro-con lists really helped.

Best to you Pearl...catch up soon!

[talia]

HI ALL,
Pearl... I'm feelin ya this week. Hang in there - time decide what you really want. I'm starting to wonder too if I can ever really get past what has happened, so why would I bother to get H to come home. Maybe neither of us are "that big" of people!

I NEED to get into the ALT with all of you!!! Someone give me the secret pass code

Thanks for the encouragement on my thread, I'm killing myself this week.

T

[kara]

Pearl

What's up?

[pearlharbr]

Busy prepping for the Superbowl party. Will be back on Monday.

[pearlharbr]

Can't really remember too many specifics from IC session on Friday. Just that we talked about moving and how important is it to me to live in SF. Ultimately IC said I need to decide if I want to be in this R first before making any other decisions. That's all fine and dandy, but HOW do I make that decision? That's where I'm stuck.

I was reading another thread, hhh maybe, talking about how the WAS will be the one with doubts in the future as to whether or not the decision to leave was the right one. That's exactly how I feel--will I become the WAS and leave a good R because it's just not good enough only to realize a few years down the road that it was indeed the right R for me? Argh! I hate just going round and round in circles.

Another good weekend. Saturday was spent cleaning and shopping and general party prep. Sunday we cooked together and that worked really well. Had 17 people show up and everyone crowded into the family room. The food was a huge success and we had more than enough drinks (my biggest fear is running out of booze!).

We're going out of town on Friday night. I don't know the destination, it's still a surprise. My BFF advised me to go on the trip and see how I feel after that. I'm not sure it's going to do anything to sway me in one direction or the other but I'm open and really hoping that it does.

[hhh]

Dear Pearl,
I'm glad you had a nice weekend and a fun SB party! Sounds like the cooking and activities together were nice for you. I also find cleaning vert therapeutic - last week I threw out a lot of old stuff as I get ready for the move, it felt good!

I SO feel what you are going through. Those exact thoughts/confusing swam around my mine for a long time - and sometimes I'd get even MORE confused in IC..thinking about the pro's and con's of both scenarios which can seem to be argued either way.

But I have a question - did these doubts come up mainly AFTER the A, or were they there beforehand as well?

Glad you are going on the trip and have fun..live in the moment and try not to think about things too much.

Sending you peace and love and looking forward to a buddy in SF!
((pearl))
-hhh

[pearlharbr]

Good question hhh

I never doubted the fact that we would spend our lives together before the A. It wasn't even a question. But after this breach of trust I have had several friends come forward and say they didn't think we would stay together and that I could do so much better. I'm not someone who lets friends and family make decisions for me, but OTOH, I'd also hate to be the person who ignores the advice of loved ones because I'm too entrenched.

Argh!

[Wholeagain]

(((Pearl)))

I think it is a typical advice from friends and family, it is expected they would come forward and say something like that.

You think you will spend your lives together, then the breach of trust happens, and you don't know what to believe anymore. I've been there. I have no advice.

Enjoy the trip! Your parties sound like fun.

[mindfull]

Drive by hello, Pearl... off to a CABI party! Cute stuff! I know you'll want to peruse... I'm getting the patchwork boyfriend jean, the Cloud trench, and the cloud knotty cami. www.cabionline.com.

I have their black egyptian turtleneck, and a couple of wrap t's. AWESOME! A bit pricey, but you'll wear them over and over. Well worth it! And, timeless!

[pearlharbr]

Ok, I checked it out. Some of it is cute, some not my style. I can't wear those boyfriend jeans because I have a long torso and short legs--nothing that cuts the line! I'm trying to change my shopping style altogether. Buy fewer pieces and focus on uniqueness and quality. Basically, stay away from chain/department stores in favor of boutique items. But I'm not totally there yet. Sometimes you just need a plain tshirt for cleaning.

Hope you had a great time at the party!