Wow GIMA, you're right. We really are in similar spots. After we talked last, I was so impressed with your quiet strength. I was thinking "man, I gotta get it together like GIMA!".
I'm sorry you're having a hard time too, and you know I understand.
You're advise to me in my thread was really helpful today, so once again thanks!
Have a great meet tonite.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Hey GIMA - wishing you a good DivorceCare experience - I found that it was really good to sit down and share experiences with people going through this. As a friend told me, nobody really knows what it's like unless they've been through it.
Quote:
SO, I bugged out of the house, and am at a coffee shop until my Divorce Care meeting tonight. W seemed surprised (and she should be) that I was "going out." She has forfeited her right to know where I am going.
W (well, STBX I guess) asked what I was doing Friday night; I said "monster truck rally." That pretty much ended the conversation.
Had a good meeting tonight, and, by providence, the topic was anger. How appropriate for me.
When I came home, I decided to talk to stbxw about why mediation is not necessary. I explained that I thought it was unnecessary to bring another L into the situation to get us to do what two reasonable adults should be able to do. I also told her I was prepared to mediate if that was the only way she felt we could resolve our differences. She seemed receptive, but we shall see.
And, I am feeling oddly at peace with myself about the discussion with stbxw. Gardener, I thought of you as she talked to me b/c whoever is behind those cold, dead eyes is not the woman I fell in love with and to whom I promised my life.
Rough night last night folks. Went to bed, and as I was praying, a wave of emotion just came pouring out. Probably more grieving the death of the M and the break up of the family. Just stood in the bathroom in the dark and let it all out. Thanks to a towel, very little noise - didn't want W to see me that way or, especially, my kids.
Last night, I think a lot of my emotion came from being fatigued from this process and simply missing experiencing closeness with my stbxw - not physically, but emotionally. The lack of intimacy is something that creates an emptiness. I can counteract that to a point, but the fact remains that that part of my life, at least for now, is gone.
And sometimes the body expels - forces to the surface - what the heart, mind, emotions try to suppress so that we can continue functioning.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
She has forfeited her right to know where I am going. As long as the kids are ok, then to hell with her. You want to be on your own sweetie, well this is what it will be like. Enjoy. I am in control, despite my snarky post. Hurt, yes. But, in control. Looking forward to the meeting tonight.
Good to hear. Healthy attitude.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Gardener, I thought of you as she talked to me b/c whoever is behind those cold, dead eyes is not the woman I fell in love with and to whom I promised my life.
Ah, yes, when the eyes go cold and dead. Or, as I had started to say this summer, "She of the cold, dead eyes and disdainful look."
Doesn't matter, now. No more STBXW Or my more recent TGSTBXW.
XW.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
And sometimes the body expels - forces to the surface - what the heart, mind, emotions try to suppress so that we can continue functioning.
Yeah, think of it as a similar experience like after you've eaten a pot load of beans. You're expelling gas until you drop your load. After that you feel like a million bucks again.
Gardener, I thought of you as she talked to me b/c whoever is behind those cold, dead eyes is not the woman I fell in love with and to whom I promised my life.
Ah, yes, when the eyes go cold and dead. Or, as I had started to say this summer, "She of the cold, dead eyes and disdainful look."
Doesn't matter, now. No more STBXW Or my more recent TGSTBXW.
XW.
Strange thing is there was a short part when I was talking to her tonight when her eyes welled up with tears. Of course, could just be her guilt.
Strange thing is there was a short part when I was talking to her tonight when her eyes welled up with tears. Of course, could just be her guilt.
My guess would be guilt, too. You may recall that in one rare, rather benign phone call 3 weeks ago, X suddenly burst out crying,"I never meant for this to happen. Never meant to cause all this strife," etc. etc.
The following week on the phone when she acknowledged not talking to me at all about her unhappiness (which still hasn't been explained or described to me) but instead admitted to confiding in daughter for months pre-bomb, I said, "I wish you had told me." She replied, "So do I. I wish I had, too."
Those two brief glimpses of remorse (talk about the ol' "too little, too late") were quickly replaced by the business-as-usual coldness and ultimately, right up to "the dotted line" today, meant absolutely nothing.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
