Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Flowmom, I have noticed how good you are at organizing your thoughts!! Thank you, your list sounds right on with the addition of

giving me some peace from the pain of not having desire reciprocated!!

[flowmom]

I am[/b] - and I believe most men are - attracted to strong, confident women. For me, I look for that along with the increasingly-rare attribute - and gift - of femininity.

newmama, I agree that most men look for the above. But I also believe that once in an intimate R, strong women can be a problem for men that have unresolved issues with their mothers. I have definitely have my faults, but I've noticed that even after 17 years, H often projects "stuff" onto me that I can only assume come from his experiences with his mother. Most modern men haven't had positive role modeling from their fathers of how to love and share a life with a strong woman. Not saying the above applies to you Gardener, but I think that there are a lot of gender dynamics that are still being worked out in modern Rs.

When male vets suggest to the women "this is what worked for me"
I think, yeah, because women won't fly off the handle if their estranged H dates, they will just feel territorial and curious!They will be reminded that their H is desirable, and the act of dating is "confident" behavior. But men would want to kill the other guy and then their egoes would be crushed by their W (right?)I do not mean this to sound sexist; but there are some clear differences between the sexes.


I have run into several female sitches where we are afraid to NC and date for fear of pushing WAH away/into D.

I think you make a valid point newmama, and I think that this is one of the areas where we might want to be careful about how WAH/WAW strategies might differ. My own experience is that when H and I started out our relationship, it was a long-distance open one (not my first choice, but there were reasons, long story). Although H's other R was was very intense and messy, he had a lot of trouble handling my comparatively much more casual "interactions". Even he recognized that he had a double standard and I think that's partly why he settled into monogamy by choice. BTW, that is ancient history (15 years ago).

[newmama]

ok so I tried my new technique.....don't speak unless spoken to and it was soooo hard! You see, WH texted me to let ne know he was going to come over early to "give me some relief." So I said "thanks, that would be great!" via text.

When he arrived, I was still in pj's but oh well...taking care of S wore me out! The house was clean, though.

I failed a couple of times but then stuck to not initiating.I worked out, got ready and left.

Now I admit that I almost caved on the dinner....I saw frozen spaghettiu sauce, garlic spread, hhoagie rolls, mozzarella cheese, hamburger and thought "meatball subs!" I even went so far as to take he ingredients out.

But then I thought of Mindfull, and how she has stuck to her guns, and I thought of some other theads where the people haven't and the posters replied with "well we can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped" and I thought of myself...I would be disappointed in ME! So I put the ingredients back!

So I never mentioned dinner and WH never brought it up! He did till try to talk to me though, which surprised me! (gee I DON'T have to be responsible for conversation?"

And at the last minute, I decided to "skip" my class beause I was tired and a friend of mine wanted to talk on the phone! So I went to a coffee shop and sat at a table far away and pretended to read the paper while talking on the phone!

I even arrived home a tad later than last Monday!My DB coach advised it's good to not be so routine driven, aka, be unpredictable (also recommended by A of S!)

When I walked in, S was wide awke, the TV was blaring and both WH and S were in good spirits! WH summarized the night and added that he looked up RSV(S' virus) last night online and told me a bunch about it. He also shared what he watched on TV.

So as soon as he left (assuring me he'd check in tomorrow a.m. and hoped S would eat more), S fell asleep instantly, LOL!
I think he was hyper from feeling better+being tired!

I am proud of myself for sticking to not cooking AND not initiating conversation!!!Thank you all for helping--"peer pressure" actually helped give me the motivation to go through with it!

One day down, tomorrow is another day! (ala Daybyday!)

[newmama]

So this morning WH texts me to ask how S slept. I was informative but still wordy (since we are worried about his eating/drinking I need to inform him about that). I said

"S slept until 12, tossed and turned til 2, drank 2 oz formula and some pedialyte,woke at 5 and drank 2 oz formula"

His reply:
"Good! Sounds like he'sgetting there! I know it can be exhausting, but you are a very good mother!"

My reply: Thanks! It's worth it! You're a great dad and take very good care of him."

I know I could have just said "thanks" but I just felt like being honest with my feelings for once, since it isn't really allowed in DBing!

As soon as S isn't sick anymore, my reply will be "he slept pretty good but woke up a few times"

[mindfull]

Hey, Newmama!!!

I truly think we are twins in verbosity! (is that a word?)

Glad the little guy is getting better!!! Is he crawling, and/or pulling himself up yet? Soon, you'll have to baby-proof that house!!! He's at a good belly laugh stage, too!!

Oh, I love babies.

[P17]

Oh, I love babies.

Me too, but I couldn't eat a whole one ... sorry, couldn't resist

[newmama]

I can't wait for my 1 lb box chocolates coming TOMORROW!
I ordered a coin skirt for my belly dancing class...silver coins with black silk material.

Mindfull, I totally used too many words, I know, but he texted me again at 3:30 to check on S and I said "he's sleepy, but playing more and eating a little"

that was short for me! I could have been a bitch and said "he's ok"

My S is 7 months old and trying to crawl. He laughs a lot and loooves to eat! so right now it's hard to see him not eating.

My DVD arrived in the mail but I haven't had a chance to watch it yet...maybe tomorrow after WH leaves.

So my A of S technique tonight is showing cleavage, mirroring interests again with music. My DB technique is "don't speak unless spoken to" and cook dinner ahead, put leftovers in fridge.
This is the last Tuesday night he'll be here for dinner...kinda relieved to be seeing less of him (takes stress off of me)

[newmama]

OK mission accomplished...WH assumed my limited talking was because I was "tired!" (which is true, I am) He said "you must be tired, right?" and I said "Yes, I guess I am! Why do you ask?" and he said "Oh you're just a little quieter than usual!"

But I mostly stayed away...he appreciated the leftovers, I worked out, folded laundry before coming downstairs, cleaned up in the kitchen...and he rocked S to sleep and then left!

I saw a red file folder on the entry table with some papers sticking out of them. My heart started beating quickly....but I peeked. I was thinking they could be the DIY divorce papers we started 10 months ago. Turns out they were TURBO TAX forms!

So when WH presented me with a pen and a paper to sign, I did not freak out or bat an eyelash! He said "I made you a copy so you should file your copy somewhere." (ouch-I know it's weird by now that I should still be bothered by references to our "separateness" but it still does bother me!)

So now I wonder if he is waiting for our tax return to file for D? Except that we really were going to do it the cheap way since we both agree on everything....so if he needed even $1000 he could have come up with that by now, right?

Well I have been forcing myself to picture the worst case scenario of losing my baby every other day to c*&tface and WH. And it still makes my heart break and makes me cry thinking of losing S for part of the week every week. Still, if I am ever going to face my fear, I must face the pain.

Why did this [censored] promise me a family, get me pregnant, give me the greatest love of my life (S) only to possibly take him away from me with a divorce? How cruel is that? I realize there are other cases out there, but I am taking a moment to feel sorry for myself. Just a moment.

OK. I took a deep breath. I am switching my thinking back to hopeful.

Tomorrow I will be working out, eating chocolate, and seeing Avatar in 3D (finally!)

WH asked me if I wanted a coffee tomorrow morning when he came over and told me my dinner was delicious.

[mindfull]

P - Maybe not whole...

[mindfull]

That's all good, but how was the cleavage? LOL