Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[mindfull]

Oh, hey, also, some of us just made a diff DB FB page to use w/all of us, and it's all confidential and not for public viewing.

White Chicken Chili - YUM - Amazing!!

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/all-a...cipe/index.html

[newmama]

I used to cook 2-3 nights, then I started taking an evening class so it became 1-2, but this Tuesday is the last TUEDAY NIGHT he'll be here.So his nights will be Mon and Thurs, both which I have class!

Mindfull, TERRIFIC changes you are making--one week down, ?? to go! but starting it is the hardest as we know!!

[flowmom]

Hey newmama, you've been hanging in there for a long time. I admire you for that, it can't be easy DBing and beginning your mothering journey at the same time. Wishing you strength...

[Gardener]

newmama,
Sorry you don't get much traffic, as you say. I never come over to this forum. Will do so, occasionally now to check up on you.
So many posters, so little time.

So, anyway, I thought I'd bring my answer to your question at nsw's thread in Newcomers over here to your home.

newmama,

Gardener, nsw and other men, would you please respond to this q? (please excuse the t/j!!!but you get tons more traffic than my forum :-) ))

It is true that women are attracted to strong, confident men. Needy men are a turn off.

1) Yes. Agreed. Irrefutably true.

Now something I have been wondering for months:
Is the above the same for what men like in women? Because I see a lot of men on the DB forum who enjoy rescuing or taking care of women.

2) I am - and I believe most men are - attracted to strong, confident women. For me, I look for that along with the increasingly-rare attribute - and gift - of femininity. To complement my masculinity. I look for this type of woman as a companion, friend, partner, lover, playmate, confidante, spouse, etc. I also look for the basics: her Lady to my Gentleman and - always - her Girlfriend to my Boyfriend.

3) Let's differentiate between "taking care of a woman" and "rescuing a woman." I believe a man should take care of his woman and that women have every right to expect this of their men.

4) Many men actively seek out women to "rescue" either because they, themselves, are somehow "damaged" or are simply control freaks (or both). And they will spend the rest of their lives "rescuing" this woman, wondering why - and often hoping that - the woman never does "get" - or "stay" - rescued. Because this is not true "rescuing", i.e., "lifting her up" and facilitating her healing but, rather, a means to keep her perpetually down (and, therefore, him perpetually up) and under control.

While, in my opinion, the word codependent is too often misused and over-used, this kind of perpetual rescuing is truly toxic codependency.

Now, newmama, you've learned two things:
a) My answer to your question. And,
b) Never ask the always-long-winded Gardener a question of that scope!
_________________________

[newmama]

with the increasingly-rare attribute - and gift - of femininity.

Gardener, thanks for stopping by and answering my q! As for the statement above,
I am 20 years younger than you and do not see femininity going away...I see more women gaining financial independence, expecting men to know how to cook and share household duties...

but women STILL want and be confident and strong, to offer to pay for the date (although I suggest splitting it on the first few), open the door, call first, and tell us we look pretty !

[newmama]

Also, am I right that there seem to be more WAW scenarios on the DB forums than WAH?

I see formulas given to the men that all sound the same:
NC+GAL+date other women.

When male vets suggest to the women "this is what worked for me"
I think, yeah, because women won't fly off the handle if their estranged H dates, they will just feel territorial and curious!They will be reminded that their H is desirable, and the act of dating is "confident" behavior. But men would want to kill the other guy and then their egoes would be crushed by their W (right?)I do not mean this to sound sexist; but there are some clear differences between the sexes.


I have run into several female sitches where we are afraid to NC and date for fear of pushing WAH away/into D.
Seriously am thinking of 6 other sitches besides my own right now,

[newmama]

oops I meant to say women still want men to be confident and strong!

[Jstar]

Newmama, i've been following your posts for months. i am astoinished at how you keep it together with h and ow and being around you son.

personal question, did you let your h in the delivery room? if so how in the world did you not loose your temper giving birth in pain to this man's son who is carrying on with someone else.

im in similiar boat and this will be h and my 2nd child together. he left us in nov me in high risk preg with 2 yr old working etc etc. i've been in and out of hospital through pregnancy and h not supported me or d.

now it's come time for me to deliever planned csection and there is no way possible to have him in there with me. i am still as angry as i was in nov. i would not be able to relax with him there and his excuses.

i'd have to agree with p17, h may be there when things are going well for son but a true test of love for children is when they are in crisis. h made a stupid choice his selfishness over his son. sadly being married before i've seen it with my older d, now 18. dad choosing ow over daughter. i hope that's not the case but...

[Gardener]

newmama,

I am 20 years younger than you and do not see femininity going away...I see more women gaining financial independence, expecting men to know how to cook and share household duties..

.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm twenty years older than you, always held open doors and car doors, did most of the cooking and a hell of a lot of "household" (read: roommate) duties!
So there!

btw: what's "t/j"?

[Gardener]

newmama,

Also, am I right that there seem to be more WAW scenarios on the DB forums than WAH?

Yep. Overwhelming margin, too, it seems to me.

I see formulas given to the men that all sound the same:
NC+GAL+date other women.

Yep, and some swear it works, but I see it as:
NC+GAL=You're still married!

When male vets suggest to the women "this is what worked for me"
I think, yeah, because women won't fly off the handle if their estranged H dates, they will just feel territorial and curious!They will be reminded that their H is desirable, and the act of dating is "confident" behavior. But men would want to kill the other guy and then their egoes would be crushed by their W (right?)I do not mean this to sound sexist; but there are some clear differences between the sexes.

Yeah, but bad sitch or not, OM/OW or not, infidelity should not be one of those "clear differences between the sexes," imo.

I have run into several female sitches where we are afraid to NC and date for fear of pushing WAH away/into D.

Just as well: "Two wrongs..., etc."

Seriously am thinking of 6 other sitches besides my own right now,

Make it "6 other sitches except my own right now." Not that it's any of my business, actually.

Hang in there. Nice to "meet" you and talk to you tonight, nm.