Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

P, I wasn't horrified that he left. I did tell him he didn't have to wait there with us. And I did talk to 2 other moms alone ith their babies. But you are right--very selfish. Luckily he isn't a total deadbeat dad so I was not as upset about it, really. And based on the guilt he demonstrated I think he knew it was wrong.

But aside from all that, it was wrong for him to not be there, plain and simple.

I have been being distant and look forward to doing it every day this week...just like NC, it gets easier each day it is accomplished, kwim?

[P17]

P, I wasn't horrified that he left. I did tell him he didn't have to wait there with us.

Of course you did. That's woman speak for 'I need you to be here but I don't want to tell you that' He should have been there - plain and simple as you said. As long as he recognised that - we all screw up.

I have been being distant and look forward to doing it every day this week...just like NC, it gets easier each day it is accomplished, kwim?

NC get's easier day by day by day. Then it get's harder and harder and harder ... then it get';s easier and easier and easier ... get the pattern. One of the hardest things I ever did. It worked for me though ... not for the M.

[Day by Day]

WTH... yeah, he is feeling guilty. Looks like he's pretty comfortable with the situation and not feeling like he has to do much anymore. But after realizing how sick S is, it got to him. Too late. Ugh... sorry you are having to deal with it all on your own. Hope your S gets better soon.

Today I am tired of DBing!!!! I want to take a break! There is no end in sight! But like I said, this month,he will be here but I will be gone so I get a break from seeing him and from DBing.

Your love bank sounds like it's getting to be overdrawn. I think this is when you need to do a lot of thinking on what to do next. For me that was the turning point. My lovebank got bone dry. I'm detached and don't want him anymore. Tired of banging my head on a brick wall. I'm looking elsewhere.

You've done this AoS for a bit and what reaction have you seen? You've been DBing for quite a while and what progress have you seen? I think he's somewhat guilty about S, but what about you? Has there been any steps towards R? What is working or is this just limbo?

Hopefully by you not seeing him and your break from DBing, YOU will get stronger and focus on newmama. You will get your love bank filled with other things, friends, having fun, etc. Get to the point where you are happy without him. If he decides to finally open his eyes and want be a husband, great--if he doesn't, fine. You will survive... you are right now. He has it too easy right now IMHO. Just seeing this from my PVO.

(((newmama)))

[Day by Day]

NC get's easier day by day by day. Then it get's harder and harder and harder ... then it get';s easier and easier and easier ... get the pattern. One of the hardest things I ever did. It worked for me though ... not for the M.

Same here... so carefully consider whether NC is working in your sitch. Seems like he's responding by distancing himself too. It didn't work for my M either... only for me.

Sounds like I'm contradicting my previous post, but I just want to point out that I think you are at a crossroads in your DB tactics.

[P17]

NC either saves or kills your M. I don't think it killed my M, but it ended the torture ... take from that what you want

Before going NC carefully consider it. You could destroy the very thing you want to save.

[mindfull]

Newmama:

Poor baby boy!!!

It's rough being a first time mom!!! I remember when D18 was just born. I had her at the ER like five times in her first year! Ha!

It's funny, now, when there's hint of an ear infection or strep or anything requiring the "pink stuff," I just make the appt immediately... The sooner they start, the sooner it's over!!!

Guilt is right, w/the H! Sheesh!!! And, what does he think he's a Pediatrician, now? SMACK!

So, I'm w/ya, girlfriend. We are officially partners in DARKLY AS YOU CAN BE (w/you having him in your home so much, and my H still being at home!).

Are you in the alt?!?! Lots of us are... I can keep an eye on ya better, there... LoL

Come on, friend! I'll hold your hand! We can do this!

[mindfull]

PS - Hey, NEWMAMA!! You'll be proud of me! I made regular chili and white chicken chili today, and GUESS WHAT I DID!?!?!? Ok, I'll tell ya... I actually made the round sourdough bread bowls in my breadmaker! Good Lord! It was amazing!

[newmama]

Whoa, Mindfull, good idea to make the bread yourself...and I'm intrigued by white chicken chili-YUMM!

I'm not in the alt yet. I mean I have an FB page but haven't joined the DBers group...it seems like a lot to juggle right now but I will one day!

About going darkER, here is what I am feeling more capable of doing:
-WH arrives, I greet him and leave. No dinners! (I have a q about that)
-AND/OR: WH arrives. I greet him and then head straight to working out, cleaning up, leaving for errands
-my demeanor will be same: friendly

So, mindfull madame, what will your actions look like?

p17- PLEASE expand on how NC could hurt my sitch more--what about the actions I listed above? And you are right, IMO, that NC did NOT kill your marriage!! W is killing it!

DBD I think I know what you mean...is this right:
my current DB tactics are not pulling us closer to R, I am having trouble detaching plus my lovebank is drying up, so I should consider doing something different, although NC may not be the answer?

[newmama]

oh my question about not cooking the dinners...how do you suggest I transition out of that?

One idea is to still cook but leave it on the stove, another is to put it in tupperware containers as Cutter suggested loooong ago (I am slow!) or do I just not cook at all?

And what do I say about it? Thank you!

[mindfull]

OK, so, is he always there during dinner time??? And, how often?

If it's only one or two days a week... why don't you make your nice dinners the nights he is NOT there, and maybe just heat up left overs the nights he is there, and just let him know there's plenty, without all the hype of a NICE, WELCOMING dinner...

Although, I'm torn on this one... Don't take my advice, just consider it, and weigh other ideas coming in. I give AWFUL advice!!!

Moi?

My H talks non-stop. He gets that fix from me... So, I actually started last weekend:

-- I'm only INITIATING conversation w/him if it's required re: kids or house

LAST WEEK

-- If/ WHEN he initiates conversation w/me, I am pleasant, cheerful, and I answer.

DURING THE WEEK WHEN HE WAS TRAVELING

-- No txts or calls FROM me.

THIS WEEKEND

-- He seriously pissed me off w/the raising of his voice, and being short w/me. I mean, seriously, jackload, I'm about as good as it gets, and I'm still being committed to you while you're being KING jackload, so back off! OK - Whew! That felt good. Sooooooooooo, this weekend, he's getting shortened answers if he initiates, and if he starts on a whole story, or something that looks way too friendly... like he just needs to hear himself, I excuse myself, nicely. (Oh, the laundry just stopped! Is that someone at the door? There's that txt I was waiting for!)

No more feeding his LL, when he doesn't f'ing know I have one.

Ok, done.