Back here, for the second time... #69

[Kalni]

I havent send it yet girls. Today was worse. We went for lunch with the kids and I hardly spoke one sentence to him. All morning we wre passing each other at hallways and goign in an dout of the PC room. I smoked half a pack during lunch and he made a comment about it. He knew I was feeling really upset but never asked me why, thank God, the kids were there...

I wasnt silent out of anger but out of ...disapointement. I dont know if I have been depressed in the past, I am sure I was close if not it, but I dont understand how he is that depressed with me and wasnt with her. Maybe I am no good for him.
Ali, you say let it go. Sure, why? What has changed? I am holding on to her more now exactly because his bahavior has nothing to do with being reassuring or loving. Why should I let it go? Do you KNOW he is not contacting her? His words? Well, he said the same words for over a year and he was sleeping with her while staying over here, going to MC, saying he wanted our M to work out. Maybe it didnt start out that way, but that's the way it ended.

Isnt it weird he has never logged in his yahoo account from the PC at home? He knows I have the keylogger and never logs in. How does that sound? I told you, I am "here" but a lot smarter.

It may be far from the truth and that's what I am thinking but where do I get the reassurance I need? He cant be loving, he cant be transparent, well? Let it go? No, I wont let it go unless it happens. I am not forcing myself to bypass natural feelings.

Friday night I wore a strapless black elegant dress and a lavender leather jacket, had great make up on, smelled good and guess what? He never made a comment, didnt know what I wore the next morning I asked him about it. As I was telling John, I would have told my MOM she was pretty if we were going out... You know how I felt for spending an hour to get ready, putting make up on, lotions etc etc? STUPID!!!! Yep, it's my issue. All this pop pyscology about doing it for you sounds good but hey, I am primitive, I still like my man to tell me I look gorceous and actually think so. That's the way I like it. Probably need lifetime therapy to get over that...

And you know what else? I can be very loving and forgiving and all those things that have booked me a first class seat to heaven, but sometimes, I want some of that back.

I want this M to work. I love him. But this isnt going well. And it breaks my heart to see my kids be so excited about him staying over. I guess my whole M was a mistake.
K

[kat727]

No It isn't/wasn't a mistake. It hurts all the way over here to read about so much pain. I think you should focus on you a bit now and what makes you feel strong and happy. Someone else can't do that for you or for him.

He will not change over night. It is painful for him too that he can't be what you want right this moment. Loving support is what you can give. When you got dressed up, was it more for him than for you? He won't see it now I am afraid. He doesn't see any good in himself so maybe find the small things he does that are sweet and respond.

I hope I am helping you a bit. kat

[saffie]

Maria,

It sounds to me that you are looking too much to your H. You are sounding fused.

I suggest you get on with your life and see whether or not he is able to follow and stand up and be a man.

I agree that transparency is a must, and his lack of it is worrying. I personally would see that as a big red flag. However, there is a possibility that there is something going on that doesn't involve any OW. Maybe he has job problems, financial worries,is seeking help for depression. It could be any sort of thing.....or of course it could be OW.

Whatever the reason is, STOP doing things to impress your H and do things for yourself and your children. You are making yourself unhappy trying to attract his interest sexually and at the same time you are showing him that you are vulnerable and available and waiting for him on his time scale. He has you hanging there.

I don't know about your experiences at school, but at my school, the popular kids were the ones who didn't appear to care what others thought about them, but they did what they wanted to. Their confidence oozed out and it made them attractive, (even though often they weren't the most physically attractive of the students). The ones that looked to them for comfirmation in order to know they were ok seemed slightly desperate. Do your own thing and just see if he follows. Be pleasant but don't put yourself out for him.

You need to let this frustration and anger go, ( no easy thing I know - I would want to punch him), if you are to give this a chance. Even if he was still seeing OW, it isn't about her, it's about how it makes him feel - he is using her if he is seeing her and she will end up paying the price.

In my gut I feel he is trying to make you make some sort of decision so that he can 'blame' you for the outcome. Don't resort to that. Let him make his own decisions and you make yours. Take the high road and don't resort to underhand comments - they may feel good at the time but later on one realises they were just silly and will come back and revisit you tenfold at some time in the future in the guise of 'You can't let go' or ' You will never forgive me so what's the point in trying?'. Don't let him force you in to a corner.

You need some space and you need some YOU time.

[Kalni]

Kat you are helping, as always... And when I dressed up I dressed up because I wanted to look good because I loved the idea if going to see an amzing artist at a wonderful theater BUT I think I wouldnt be disapointed if my GF for example didnt tell me I looked good...

Saffie, fused? Well, that's something I am only facing with him. I guess Schnarch's words that the more we invest emotionally, the more we tend to lean to our partner is true...

I need some time without worrying how the day will turn out, without worrying about my kids who had a major meltdown tonight (not a coincidence I am afraid), worrying about my dad's tests tomorrow, work, etc etc...

How do I get on with my life when we are supposed to be a couple? Do I exclude him from my plans? Do I live as separated, how will good memories will be created to override the bad ones?

Example:next weekend is a 3 day weekend for us. If we were divorced, I would go to my uncle's house. If I do that now, the kids and me and him wont spend any time together. Do I act as a single mother? If I do he will consider that as "an act of war"... He of course is working Monday so that rules out the possibility of going away and plus, I dont want him near my extended family.

Anyway, I have managed to calm myself down since I last posted. I will have that massage this week, no matter what...
K

[saffie]

Kalni,

I don't think you should exclude him from your plans but rather make your plans and make sure he knows his presence is welcome and you hope he will be there.....but don't change them if he decides not to join in.

Plan some fun things for you and the kids at home this weekend so that your H can join in and be there, but don't rely/ expect him to join in. For example, teach you children massage - it's something I have done with mine. They were all massaged from babies and so then I taught them how to do simple things like hand and foor massages back to me and each other - great stress busters and fun when someone gets all tickly!!! You H might enjoy a massage.

[Kalni]

Saffie,
he ALWAYS joins in. That's what he does acually, he is very into doing things with the kids when he is present. Whatever I suggest or they ask, he agrees happily...

Today my D was hysterical because I forbid my son to play with his DSi. He is addicted to it. She was crying and crying and then she said : "let me explain why I am soooo sad and stressed.
Daddy left us because you were fighting (the poor excuse he gave to the kids-not true btw), now you are fighting with my brother and he will go away too...".

I want to punch him for that. I told him the first time he used that excuse it wasnt proper. My D now thinks she has to avoid fights at any cost so the person she is interacting with, wont leave her

I called and told him that. I told him kids remember what they are told and it affects their lives. I told our D that wasnt true, that couples fight and dont break up, I gave her examples of my brothers' family, of my parents who have fought in front of her (little fights)and that when she is older we will talk about why me and her dad split up. He said "yes you are right, it was lousy what I told them back then".
K

[AliSuddenly]

Hey M, I didnt mean let it go entirely, I meant, you to try and work from an assumption he ISNT going back to her, rather than an assumption that he will... becasue, a. thats not healthy seeing as he insists he is done with her (which he DIDNT do that year you give as an example where he was lying to you but still seeing her) and b. it will drive you nuts otherwise??

I did suggest you CONFRONT him about the PC stuff, ask him if there is contact, if he says none, ask him politely to humour you and to set your mind at rest, prove it to you by logging in in front of you to his email.. that he can use his phone to do so if necessary if he is concerned about keyloggers and you respect he hasnt given you the password yet...

You said your pride gets in the way...you 'let him off the hook' and dont ask for things or have conversations you could have. For example, why sit silently fuming at lunch? Perhaps you could have said somehow how great the show was, just a shame he dint hold your hand...?

[MichelleLT]

Those pesky expectations kill you. You expected him to compliment you, to react to the music and dinner.

When I was depressed, none of that would have affected me either. (Of course, I was depressed cuz my H left me for a younger woman, so the chances of us having a date night were less than a snowball's chance in hell).

Re the hand touching: did you touch his hand (you have stated numerous times he follows your lead)???

Regardless, he is depressed. His problem.

Focus on you my dear. You get too tied up in his stuff, you let him and your expectations drag you down.

As for OW, he was depressed with her. She was just an escape, and at first he put on a good show for her. But then he couldn't pretend, even with her, and she started to become unhappy with their R. She was not some magical cure my dear, she was a symptom of his problem that provided a temporary escape. That's all it was. Don't waste your time dwelling on it.

[Kalni]

No, I didnt touch his hand, but I did other things... LOL (joking)

Today he stayed home to babysit while my dad and mom went for my dad's tests. Somehow, I started thinking what that meant to him. I realised he was probably trying to support me and show me...love. I got here, he left in a hurry and I called him and told him "thank you for doing that, I wasnt stressed out today because I knew you would take care of the kids, it was important to me."

Caught him by surprise, he said something I didnt get and I said "bye".

So, what is the most important thing/characteristic I value about myself or that I would want to be described as? What do I want my kids to think of when they think of me?

My answer: that I was loving, understanding and valued my life. That I am "safe" and caring.

That's my big goal. And I am not that with H. And it is irrelevant to what will happen with us. So there you have it, a goal, a big one. So what if he benefits from it as well? LOL

[MichelleLT]

Did I hear that right? He took time off work to babysit?

That's awesome that he babysat today!! I think you interpreted that right, and I think your thank you call was great.

That is a big goal! We are all human, and we all have our slip ups, but I think you are a very passionate and loving and caring!