Sorry to hear what happened - and bravo on the finger!~
I hate to say it my H would have been the same way - before the bomb, and it would be worse now! I guess that's why we are separated now. The yelling is awful, but the coldness is really painful too. It just cuts to the bone and makes you feel like a non-person. I know it. And you deserve so much more. You just can't get blood from a stone. I feel for you. So sorry.
Sorry to hear things are not going so well. It's weird.. They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. My W and I have hardly ever fought these last two years of our stich. I mean once in a while we do get "short" and maybe raised our voice a little with each other but we never have yelled at each other. Sometimes I feel it would be easier if we did. At least you are interacting with each other. Without that then you are kind of in limbo land. I have been busy studying for my exam and W has been busy studying for her interview so I just read my post and saw what you wrote: Doc, do you have an email at the alt? I want to send you something about affairs. By the author of PM. It's really good.
If you are talking the “Alt” I think you are I have not been there for a loooog time. I am going to check if I can find it but just to let you know Saffie is there and she knows my E-mail
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right. According to you I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind. I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time, even if it would save my life. According to you. According to you.
But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head. According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted. Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose. He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.
According to you I'm boring, I'm moody, you can't take me any place. According to you I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away. I'm the girl with the worst attention span; you're the boy who puts up with that. According to you. According to you.
But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head. According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted. Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose. He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.
I need to feel appreciated, like I'm not hated. oh-- no--. Why can't you see me through his eyes? It's too bad you're making me decide.
According to me you're stupid, you're useless, you can't do anything right. But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head. According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted. Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, baby tell me what I got to lose. He's into me for everything I'm not, According to you. According to you.
According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right.
When I first heard this song, I loved it. I completely thought it was perfect for where I am. It is a great song that reminds me that I am a wonderful, beautiful woman and if H doesn't ever get that through his head...one day a guy will.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
You are letting him suck you both 'in' and 'down' - a typical thing that happens with a depressed partner. Do you think your C would suggest that your H seeks help, ( either medicinal or through something like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - or even both), to help him, (and you), through this difficult time.
Your H's lack of ability to react to something like those songs, smacks of depression and wallowing in his own sh!t without seeing a way forwards. I suffered terribly with depression, ( and I still struggle with it from time to time), and trying to feel anything or sort yourself out when you feel like that is just awful. My sex drive went completely, and although I knew I loved my H, I also was sort of numb to him. I know it doesn't make sense that one can be like that, but one can be. I think in hindsight I was going through some sort of 'transitional crisis' and I just didn't know where to turn. My H couldn't help me, and I ran around doing silly things because I thought they would make me feel better, but they didn't. I acted the princess, I had my H buy me my horses, I spent on whatever I wanted to etc. etc......... My H pandered to it but nothing brought us closer in the way he wanted as I was just running around like a headless chicken. In the end I had to hit rock bottom and seek help in order for me to heal. No-one else could help me. My H certainly couldn't. As he was the one closest to me he was the one that got the brunt of my anger/ distress. I believe that is what drove him to have the A he had.
It was only because he could see I was changing and I started reaching out to him and telling him once more what he meant to me, that he told me about his A, and then after a turbulent week of comings and goings, he broke it off. I have now learned that I have to share with him when I see these black holes of depression coming on instead of turning in on myself and away from him, which is what I want to do when it happens.
I don't know what triggers it in me. Certainly there is a family disposition towards depression, and I think I started to feel that I was moving on to the next 'stage' of my life and that my children didn't need me as much. I felt lost. I have so enjoyed having young children and watching them bloom and grow.It was a magical stage of life and I didn't want it to end. Suddenly they started to not need me as much. Of course in reality they do still need me, but in a different way. However, I am no longer needed for the 'structure' of their day and so I don't feel 'needed'. In theory I could stay in bed until lunchtime and just 'play ' with my horses. my feelings of self worth took a huge hit. Firstly I had had a great career where I actually was the highest earner, then I chose to become a SAHM, and my H's career really took off, but I didn't miss working as I had four lovely children to look after, then Boom!, I am not as needed and my worth in the job market has dropped radically as I have been a SAHM mom for the last 19 years and so my market worth, (and with it my self esteem) is very low; even though I have run, and continue todo so, a part -time tax consultancy business.
Sorry, I feel I have gone into unload mode on you. I am just trying to explain that OW for your H may just have been a way of trying to run away from something your H doesn't understand and he realised it wasn't the answer he thought it was. He doesn't know what the answer is, but he needs to hit rock bottom and find out for himself. I think you are getting the brunt of the anger/ moodiness from him whilst he is on this journey.Inside he feels helpless and numb; he knows he loves you but is unable to express it. Just my guess anyway.
I am sorry that your night out turned out the way it did.
(((((HUGS))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie, he already once told me she wasnt he one he feel inl ove with, it was all he felt through her...The new, the thrill, the no responsibilities... I get that. What bothers me is, he wont try different things with me to see what the result would be.
Yesterday he yelled at me because I "yelled" at my D. She kept moving her head and I couldnt make her hair for the show. I was stressed and I told her with a loud voice "stop moving your head". Things like that happen lot in my home. We are a loud family. Probably too loud for any of you guys. But my D wasnt hurt or anything and he came to yell at me to stop yelling at her... What pissed me off was that a day before that, he made a deal out of me saying one phrase to him and that phrase was "I dont need your yelling" while I was getting the kids ready for school and he was asleep. My D was refusing to go and I was sweet talking to her to get her ready. He made a big thing out of me saying that one phrase in front the kids which I did to let him know I didnt need him to take sides, I was managing...
I was about to send him a letter saying:
"Call her, tell her she was right, this love of ours is dead as she told you many times in the past, go make time for her in expense of your work and kids, be tender to her, call her sweet angel, make love to her 4-5 times a day, share your life and dreams with her and leave me alone to find someone to give me the exact same things... I give up. The last 3-4 months were the last proof I needed I did everything in my powers to fix this..."
Don't send that - or at least wait 48 hours to let things settle and so you are really sure you mean it.
We are a loud family too. Things like you mentioned happen in our house also.......and I bet they do in most people's homes.
My H accuses me of being 'sharp' with the children and thinks I am angry when I think am not; it's all a question of how both people interpret it and how the children play on it. They sense the tension - and yes, sometimes they play on it.
Please wait before considering sending what you wrote. It is a knee jerk reaction because you are hurting at the moment. She is not the woman he wants to be with and so your letter will not do what I think you want it to.
If you want to give up do that, but there is no need throw the OW in to the mix in doing that.
I think the time to give up is when you feel indifferent to your H - not when you feel angry. Anger shows me you still have feelings for him. I knew my sister's M was over when I saw complete indifference in her towards him. You do not seem to show signs of that.
Give the C a chance to work on your H. You are still in the very early days of that.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hey M, how you doing? I agree with Saffie, dont send it, sounds kind of bitter anyway, you know? Saffie is right, he DOESNT want to be with ow. Which reminds me, aside from your H's issues, you really really need to let it go now.. this obsession that he is contacting her/ likely to go back to her. Its damaging what little chance you have left.
As for H, the way Saffie describes the effect depression had on her (eventhough she 'knew' she loved her H, she couldnt really show it, or ML to him).. sounds exactly like my bf. He walked out afterall hey and wouldnt even tell me his address for 5 months. And yet he says now, he knew he loved me all along, he was just in a mess, 'mental' etc.. but yes, continued to appear largely normal and do well at work etc.
They call it living outside the wall - living with a depressed person. You cannot penetrate and its not your fault. You need to stop taking it personally, as you are, and seeing it as rejection, which is what I had to do to forgive my bf and make our new R work.. and yes it is very hard. So, you also have a choice, you dont have to stay with him if you are finding this too damn hard.
How about calling that C and asking her if she feels your H is depressed and would benefit from ADs? How about talking to H about his lack of connection with you and the world around him and ask him if he feels he may be depressed? Bearing in mind this is a very hard thing for anyone to admit to, neverlone seek help for.
Love Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
PS and dont forget, he sounded desperate and.. resigned, helpless, given up even perhaps, in a letter to you just this week:
"You have come to believe that I cant offer you what you need and I feel the same way now. I believe it. The more you state it, the worse I feel. (I dont blame you, it's good that you share it, it's not your fault). I feel helpless. Like a paraplegic. Why cant I offer to you simple things? I am useless. An *rsehole."
You dont get past feeling like that a day later and able to have a happy, romantic evening!?
It sounds like he has lost all confidence in himself. I dont know, but you keep wanting something from him and it looks like he is trying to tell you that, for whatever reason (grief over his mother, guilt, shame, remorse, depression, who knows!) he just doesnt have it to give you right now. But, he used to didnt he? 4-5 years ago, before all this mess?? If he did, and it was enough then, then you know whats possible (and more if he can grow with it), but if it was never there.. then, what are you hanging on for??
Hi Maria, Saffie is right! don't send the letter,well not in temper-wait. Me I'd be tempted to gift wrap him,tie a ribbon on him and deliver him personally, but then I do have a hot temper, very slow to anger but oh boy if you do it's like "light blue touch paper and stand well back".
I think it is frustration more than anger with you,and who could blame you but you have gotten this far,he has started MC but at the end of it all IS how much time have you got? Is the love you have for him enough,will HE be enough for you even when he is well again.
You have grown and discovered who you are and what you need because of the situation you found yourself in, he has got to get back to the man he was and then start catching up. No quick fix,light bulb moments are rare but can and do happen. I guess the dreaded P word is still not allowed so maybe perserverance oophs thats P as well.
