Weekends tend to be slower around here, as posters are hopefully out GAL'ing. I'm pretty new here, let's see what the others have to say about this too.
By the way, good for you getting out right away to get the books. I've got a small library at this point! Still, the reading has been helping me control my negative thinking, and really focus on becoming a better Awoken.
New haircut. Great! Don't point it out to W.
Originally Posted By: Wired
deep breath, calm thoughts, no anger
This is very good. You're doing great. You can do this.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Major step backwards again. -Took a long drive yesterday as it seems to help clear my head and let me think. Only can have two thoughts in my head at the time, the road and my marriage. -Came home and told her I wanted to separate the accounts and start paying all the household bills, told her I don't know who she is anymore and not sure what she will do. -She gets up and walks away and I break down again. Talk to her a few minutes later and ask her to help me learn how to pay what bills we have and I will leave account alone. (I know, big mistake)
We talk again later and she tells me she is afraid that I wont pay the bills and she will get slammed with bad credit and not be able to do what she wants to do with the kids as far as putting them into college, getting loan for a new house etc.
After tossing and turning all night and letting my mind wander, I think I have come to a thought of why things turned out the way they did. We where married quite early, her already with one daughter from a previous marriage. She was a few months pregnant with "our" first child when we married. When we dated it was all about us, every minute was about us and everything we did was about us. After our first child and the marriage it became about the kids. Only problem is she became totally about the kids and not about us anymore. Which I can understand that to a point, but we never made any time for us. I think over the years I began to resent this and became unhappy and this has led to some of the problems I have had in the past of chasing happiness in the drugs, the alcohol and spending money. Not that I was that stable before we met.
Which brings us to today. Her plan is using the money that she will get from divorcing me to put the kids into college. As a married couple we would have a really tough time with our current financial situation putting 1 child into a decent college let alone 2 of them. She is also trying to get a job in a university about 100 miles away from here so that will help with the tuition for the youngest child. Its a shame that in today's society that there is more help for a divorced woman for things like that then there is for a married couple just trying to make ends meet.
I cant fight against this. The kids are her life and she sees this as her only way out. She goes to to the lawyer Friday. She wants me to come with her but I am not sure that I can sit there and plan our life away. For now I think I am going to try to get my life fixed before I attempt to try and fix our marriage. Back on with the mask. And I only hope the distance will not be the clincher that finally ends it. Thank you
M:40 W:40 D: 21 S: 18 D: 17 Md: 18 years -1/19/2010 W wants out -6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
It sounds like you are still doing things the way you were before. How has that worked out?
You need to radically change things, change what you are doing.
I'm not a successful DB'er, but I've read more threads here than I can count. You need to stop talking with your wife about your relationship or about divorce. If she wants to talk, you tell her you need to leave to (insert a GAL activity, even if you have to make it up!). You need to ask as-if everything is ok.
DON'T view this as manipulating her, because that will surely fail. You have to do this because you are moving on and taking care of Wired. You need to accept what is happening to you. You don't have a choice, do you?
When you discuss this stuff with you W, all you get is useless information that gets in the way of what you should be doing. Listen, you'll never know the real reasons she is a WAW. Anything she says now is used to JUSTIFY what she is doing. Time and time again in the threads I've read, WAS's rewrite the past.
I'm imagining your conversation with W about the finances. Of course you told her what you wanted to do. Far back in your mind you want her to say, "oh no, don't do that. I'm not sure I want a divorce, let's work it out". You are still trying to control her, trying to GET her back into your M. Understand, she is already gone.
I still think my advice a couple of posts applies to you. Talk to your own lawyer, then separate your finances. Let her be mad. Don't be vengeful, just starting taking care of yourself. Start building better relationships with your children. Start doing whatever you need to do for your new BETTER life.
I know this hurts like nothing else. You are in the worse of it now. The sooner you start taking care of wired the better everything will be.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Thanks again Awoken, Another Mild break down today. Made it to the bedroom before the kids could see. I've come to the point where I cant go any further down. I cant eat, I haven't slept but a couple hours in the past 3 days and the pain inside is almost unbearable. I tried to stay busy by cleaning out the basement and just getting read of some old junk. I ran across the little toolbox I bought my son years ago so he could be daddies little man... We never used it. I look back at all the things I chased for happiness when they stood right in front of me. Im trying so hard now, but it hurts. Im sure you all know. Please, pray for me.
M:40 W:40 D: 21 S: 18 D: 17 Md: 18 years -1/19/2010 W wants out -6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
It's good you made it to the bedroom before the kids saw it. Good job on that. Take time for yourself to let it out. I've spent hours in the shower, sobbing away.
I wasn't sleeping either. I went to my general doctor and got some medicine to help with the sleep, and some anti-depressants. The anti-depressants take at least a couple of weeks to start working. One thing that could really help with the sleep is the exercise I mentioned. Wear yourself out, go outside and run till you can't anymore.
I'm praying for you. Hang in there. You can do this. It WILL get better.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Update Again Last night I cried till I puked. Sat in the bathroom feeling sorry for myself and begging God not to take her away from me that I could not stand being alone. It took everything in my power to keep from ending it all last night as I sat there feeling sorry for myself and in so much pain. No more.
Awoken, I want to thank you and I am sure others in this thread have said the same, but I am not going to look back through them as the things I have posted up till today have been the self pity. "She is already gone" Today things change. Starting with the phone call to our bank in 24 minutes. I want to thank each and every person that visits this site and takes the time to post and to pray for us new comers when we are weak. I know now that I will stumble, and it is going to be easy and that the tears will still come. But if I am ever going to save me, I have to let go of her. The lord may have plans for us to be together someday, he may have plans for something else.This I do not know. But I am now ready to find out what is in store for me. I do continue to ask for prayer, not to save my marriage, but to help me find the strength to be the man I should have been for the past 18 years.
M:40 W:40 D: 21 S: 18 D: 17 Md: 18 years -1/19/2010 W wants out -6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
Posting one more time in hopes that someone can help me with a conflict. To do this I have to give you some insight with what I am faced with now.
-Wife says she wants out, gives me the "I love you and care for you but I cant take this anymore" - Her "Plan" is to use the money she gets from my 401k and the house selling to hopefully get into a house. -She also plans on trying to get a job at the university to help pay for at least one of this kids tuition.(You think she would call them to see if any openings) -She wants Alimony so she can claim it as income -Child Support (I have no problem) -She wants all of our income tax return to hire a lawyer(one she picked out and talked to) -She wants to put my son in a college that we couldnt even afford when together.
Here is my conflict. I read some things on this board that says I need to be her friend and do everything she needs to get restarted(I could be emotionally seeing the message wrong) I also see that I need to take care of my self but I feel like if I fight her every step of the way and force her out that what kind of a person does that make me?
I feel like she is using the "You are thinking of yourself and not the kids and I" against me. She thinks that I am just going to go along with everything and make things easy for her to walk out.
I know I have to take care of myself, but finding that line between taking care of myself and treating her with respect and dignity and doing what is right by the children is the grey line that I am having trouble seeing.
Please Help
P.S. I do apologize for all the questions and uncertainties, but I have no one else to turn to right now.
Last edited by Wired; 02/08/1003:38 PM.
M:40 W:40 D: 21 S: 18 D: 17 Md: 18 years -1/19/2010 W wants out -6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
If you are entitled to some of the tax return I dont think you are required to fund her seeking a lawyer. The college thing, you can contribute something to an account- moneymarket or college fund- she doesn't need it all up front.
She will use the kids as leverage- just don't cough anything up immediately
Were you this indecisive while you have been married to her? It is no wonder she wants out the way you are acting...
GROW UP. You are sounding like a little child here that wants his mommy....
Make some decisions here and live with the outcome.
You are a big boy. MAKE a decision based on being strong and confident...
I will give you a hint.... (get YOURSELF a lawyer asap and let him guide you regarding who gets what and so forth.)
You seem destined here to error on the side of being a wimp than you are of being too strong with her. If it were me, I would be taking care of Gucci right now. The kids are just another excuse she is using to get what SHE wants. Don't fool yourself.
