I'll add to my last post, "...This year, I thought the 180 would be doing something totally special. Like building a guy out of chocolate and calling him the "awkward valentine"."
that's what you "felt" would work, feelings, pesky buggers when you're not in the right mindset and when you're dealing with fear of loss & crisis.
Agree with your wife. "The divorce is the best thing" "You're right, you'll never love me" "You're right, I was the worst husband, you'll never be able to trust me" "This is actually a good thing for you and me"
She pursues other men, you want proof, she flew out of town to get naked with one. She wants to pursue the OM. She wants what she can't have, she'll continue pursuing him/contacting him even if he attempts to reconcile with his wife and if that doesn't work out, while you're pursuing your wife, she'll pursue another man.
That's reality.
She doesn't want what she can have easily (you). She wants excitement. She wants a masculine man (not you) who doesn't get excited, feel threatened by her and who allows her to chase & pursue him (not you).
Create some distance.
Move in the opposite direction.
Agree with her feelings even if you really don't, just do it because in reality you can fight against her feelings, she's in love with her feelings and guided by them and even though she may be making mistakes you won't be able to convince her otherwise so you can lay any plans to rest that include writing letters, emails, texts, etc.
Stop pursuing, create distance between the 2 of you, move in the opposite direction, reject her a bit, enjoy your life, enjoy social interaction with other women and.... allow your wife to pursue you.
You won't allow that though.
You're in love with your feelings and even though I'm telling you to listen to reality instead of your feelings, you want to listen to your feelings instead but you get all excited and angry because your wife is listening to her feelings instead of you.
Nice.
They call that a double standard I think.
Your wife can't pursue you because you never allow yourself to play hard to get, you never allow yourself to be chased.
And you all want the 30 second quick fix.
Sorry, that's not reality and you're smarter than that, but.... you want to listen to your feelings but you want to convince your wife that her feelings are wrong.
You want results, you want things to start moving in the opposite direction?
Observe reality, do what works, otherwise continue to post umpteen million pages on your thread and change your username and continue doing what doesn't work but continue to tell us how frustrated you are that "everything" you've tried hasn't worked at all.
And all the other users quoting manipulation and controlling by doing things that work, well I'll fill you in on something, telling your WAS's that you want them to stay married to you and that them having affairs is wrong and they should be faithful to you and remember their marital commitment and everything that goes with trying to convince them that what they're doing is wrong is technically controlling behavior on your parts, you want to control what your spouse does and preach the "right" thing to do.
I offer you what works, reality, observe & follow reality, and stop listening and doing what you "feel" you should do.
Ok man.......Today, I'm back on the program. She wants me to use a wuss collaborative lawyer. I think when the time comes, I will call out the bulldog.
You don't need to respond to brute force either, this isn't war, you're not here to kill her, the goal is to move on with your life and when she finally gets that you're not pursuing her anymore and that you agree with the divorce and moving in that direction, her feelings will have nothing to fight against.
Would a collaborative lawyer be a cheaper option for the two of you? Maybe it is a good option, check it out, speak to him, it can't hurt, get his opinion but let him know that you're not bending over so that you can receive a hot beef injection during the divorce proceedings - you're a MAN and you have the same rights as she does and expect equal fair treatment, if he can't offer that then say thank you but no thank you and leave it as is.
Or just tell her, "if you feel that lawyer works for you, you should go with him, when you finally serve me with the required papers, I'll have my personal lawyer take care of things from my end, since we're divorcing we need to stop learning to share things and that includes lawyers and it's probably better to keep that stuff separate."
Agree with your wife. "The divorce is the best thing" "You're right, you'll never love me" "You're right, I was the worst husband, you'll never be able to trust me" "This is actually a good thing for you and me"
She pursues other men, you want proof, she flew out of town to get naked with one. She wants to pursue the OM. She wants what she can't have, she'll continue pursuing him/contacting him even if he attempts to reconcile with his wife and if that doesn't work out, while you're pursuing your wife, she'll pursue another man.
That's reality.
She doesn't want what she can have easily (you). She wants excitement. She wants a masculine man (not you) who doesn't get excited, feel threatened by her and who allows her to chase & pursue him (not you).
Create some distance.
Move in the opposite direction.
Agree with her feelings even if you really don't, just do it because in reality you can fight against her feelings, she's in love with her feelings and guided by them and even though she may be making mistakes you won't be able to convince her otherwise so you can lay any plans to rest that include writing letters, emails, texts, etc.
Stop pursuing, create distance between the 2 of you, move in the opposite direction, reject her a bit, enjoy your life, enjoy social interaction with other women and.... allow your wife to pursue you.
You won't allow that though.
You're in love with your feelings and even though I'm telling you to listen to reality instead of your feelings, you want to listen to your feelings instead but you get all excited and angry because your wife is listening to her feelings instead of you.
Nice.
They call that a double standard I think.
Your wife can't pursue you because you never allow yourself to play hard to get, you never allow yourself to be chased.
And you all want the 30 second quick fix.
Sorry, that's not reality and you're smarter than that, but.... you want to listen to your feelings but you want to convince your wife that her feelings are wrong.
You want results, you want things to start moving in the opposite direction?
Observe reality, do what works, otherwise continue to post umpteen million pages on your thread and change your username and continue doing what doesn't work but continue to tell us how frustrated you are that "everything" you've tried hasn't worked at all.
And all the other users quoting manipulation and controlling by doing things that work, well I'll fill you in on something, telling your WAS's that you want them to stay married to you and that them having affairs is wrong and they should be faithful to you and remember their marital commitment and everything that goes with trying to convince them that what they're doing is wrong is technically controlling behavior on your parts, you want to control what your spouse does and preach the "right" thing to do.
I offer you what works, reality, observe & follow reality, and stop listening and doing what you "feel" you should do.
Ok man.......Today, I'm back on the program. She wants me to use a wuss collaborative lawyer. I think when the time comes, I will call out the bulldog.
A smart man determines ALL of his options that are available.
Do the research, speak to several lawyers, find out what works best for you.
mindful when you get in bikini ready, I want to see some pics - you rock!
Sleepy, re-read my long winded post in this thread over & over again, it took me a while to get this message into my head when someone explained it to me, it really is a counter-intuitive approach to everything here but it's implications are incredible: just observe reality, listen to it, instead of your feelings, it will guide you to making better decisions during this process than anything else you've been doing.
Thanks for the advice once again. That's why I came back. This approach is in everything I read. Tough Love by Dobson, MLC forums, on and on. If she is going to come back, she will have to be the one to pursue it. If she returns on the current terms I will be the designated doormat.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
one more thing, you need to start acting super happy, ecstatic, you're getting what you want, these are truly exciting times, I don't care if you have to super glue that grin on your face, put it on there.
Mindful and Super girl... Sure is Imminent. My W found my thread last time. She will never look at this.... He He He.
So, my W came home from being out of town with my daughter at a gymnastics meet. I was at home with the other two. When she came in I was all smiles and having fun. She was wondering what was up. She was checking everything.....My phone, my internet history, my visa bills. I was totally aloof. It drove her mad. It worked like a charm.... So awesome.
She was headed out for drinks with some more of her cougar pals tonight. As the time for her meeting approached I reminded her that she better get going. She almost didn't go..... LOL.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
