My Story

[Wired]

Can you take a babystep tomorrow towards dealing with your depression?

I looked at 2010 Harleys today. Put the screenshot of the one I like on my desktop. Long story short I have told myself for years that on my 40th birthday I would get one. Well that dream has come and gone. But who knows?
A person has to have a dream right?
On a serious side tho, the depression is like standing on the beach. It comes in and goes out with the tide. Monday I see my doctor and he doesn't know it yet but I am dumping 40 years of issues at his feet and asking for help.

[Awoken]

I do have a question that is eating at me right now.
How do I know if it was love I had for her or dependency? How do you know if you truly love someone. I know, silly question, but it is one that is hitting me hard right now.

I think I can self answer it. Become the man you need to be and then ask yourself that question?
Thank You

Try these links:
Book: Book: Codependent No More
http://www.codependents.org/

[Wired]

I love you guys/gals. Im going to BN to pick that book up now Awoken.

You know, today I had my doubts about this whole thing.(DB,GAL,180 ETC.)
I asked W a simple question today and she replied with a snippy answer. So I just smiled and said "Ok" and walked into the bedroom. It wasnt 10 seconds later she was hot on my tail wanting to know what the problem was. I smiled again and said "No problem was just wondering why you had done this certain thing and it had caught me off guard." and I left it at that and started folding my socks again.

She didnt say a word as I think she was floored by my not chasing an argument and politely just putting an end to it without leaving any room for a comeback to try and lead to a fight.
About 20 minutes later I grabbed my bookbag and tossed on my shoes getting ready to head to work so I could post my hours(and get some alone time to be honest) wasnt saying a word and she made like a roadrunner down the stairs to find out where I was going. I explained to her my plans smiled and walked out, not a following reply from her. I could tell she wasnt used to this.

I think I am going to enjoy this GAL thing. It helps a ton.

[Sister]

I looked at 2010 Harleys today. Put the screenshot of the one I like on my desktop. Long story short I have told myself for years that on my 40th birthday I would get one. Well that dream has come and gone. But who knows?
A person has to have a dream right?

My H had a dream as a teenager to tour Europe on a motorcycle. He even had a special leather jacket made up to do it. That dream took a long time coming, but he got his first motorcycle when he turned 44. He had never even ridden a bike before that, but he decided that if he was ever going to do it, he needed to get started. We toured Europe on motorcycles for our honeymoon many years later - he took that leather jacket with him.

Keep that dream in front of you. It's never too late and it can give you some hope and goals.

[sandi2]

Wow, that sounds great, Wired. That is a great 180 for you....and it worked. Just a suggestion, but as you continue to GAL, etc., don't feel that you owe your W detailed information about your plans. Keep it "general" and that makes things more interesting. Gives you a touch of mystery!

I read something a long time ago. It said that most men can deal with anything except boredom at their own address. Is that ture? (lol) Well, I think mystery in our partners causes a lot of interest. After being M for a while, it kind of helps to stir that interest up, right? I always tell people to never lie to their S, but keep enough details out to make them wonder what you're up to....(lol). It sure seem to work with your W.

[Wired]

Doubts again, cant help it.
Cant get rid of the tearing inside. I know I have done a ton of wrong things in the past. She was not angel either. Is this whole thing just a form of manipulation to try and keep her because the thought of being alone again terrifies me?
I started into the book Codependent No More, and some of it does relate. But the words are lost on me.
Going to do some praying now. Maybe god has taken his hands off me do to my lack of faith. Maybe there is no god.

One more day lord, one more day.
Thank you all for listening.
Monday is my first Dr. appt. I really need to find a support group in this area.

[Awoken]

(((Wired)))

Hang in there.

When my W dropped the bomb on me, and my family began to crumble, I felt the same way: maybe there is no god. I began to worry that in this crisis I would lose all faith, and be more alone than ever.
To my great surprise, my faith has grown stronger than ever. It's here in the people that populate this forum, it's in the quiet times when I am alone with my thoughts and I find I have strength I never thought I would have.

Hang in there my friend.

[Awoken]

Doubts again, cant help it.
Cant get rid of the tearing inside.

I know the feelings well, Wired. I got some advice early on that really helped me. I had already been told to start some exercise as part of GAL. what really helped me, was someone pointed out that one of the benefits of exercise was that it would wear me out enough that when I got home I would be too tired for the obsessive thinking and worrying that was plaguing me.

I started taking long, hard walks. When I'm in my worst turmoil, when I start thinking I need to do something I really shouldn't, I take one of these long walks until I'm exhausted. By the time I get home, I finally get some much needed sleep.

[Wired]

Thanks Awoken
I'm sitting here waiting for the fitness center to open up and to go get my haircut (Gotta look good to feel good

Much better mood this morning after a good nights sleep. I started reading through your thread and now I need a bit of advice, hoping you and some of the vets will see this (Puppy help!!)

Finances
For the entire length of our marriage I have been the breadwinner and she has stayed home to raise the kids. Which is/was fine by me as we also home schooled. Along with this she also took care of the family budget. (Which looking back is probably part of the problem as she always had to deal with the hard times with the good where I should have been working with her)
So in a nutshell she has control of the money and her plan is to use our tax return to do through with the D.
Should I take all control of our cash now and tell her to find a way to pay for her own damn lawyer? (deep breath, calm thoughts, no anger ) Or do I let things continue on and let her have use of the money as she sees fit.
Mind you I don't hate her but I know now I am not going to through everything away so she can chase some dream or another R if that be the case.
Thank You

[Awoken]

You've read some of my thread; good don't repeat my mistakes.

I have two threads here. I started the last one in a panic when I discovered that my W, the person I've trusted the most for the past 18 years, had taken all the cash (2000+) from our cash box.

I ran to the bank in a panic, worried that she had emptied the bank accounts. Fortunately the money was still there. I opened my own account, and transferred exactly half the money into it.

I had already seen a lawyer just to know what I was facing, and she had advised me to separate our finances then, and that taking 50 percent would be appropriate. I had been advised here to separate finances too, but I was scared to make her angry, to push her further towards divorce. I now know I was letting my fear control me, and I should have moved sooner. Not because of the money alone. My W is in some kind of a crisis right now, making strange selfish choices, putting her needs far above the needs of the family. Separating finances protected myself, and my kids!

Even on the day I opened my account, I was still hesitant to close the credit cards. Again, it was fear. Fear of pissing her off, and fear of taking one more step towards the destruction of my family. Again, I waited too long. When she charged her full graduate school tuition, which we had agreed she would use a student loan for, onto our shared credit card, I finally called and canceled it.

It my sitch, my W and I make almost equal incomes. I don't know about your sitch, or about D laws in your state. You should see a lawyer.

I think you should:
1) Don't let fear control you. Protect yourself, it's whats best for everyone.
2) find a good family law attorney, and spend an hour or two going over your sitch with them.
3) following good legal advise, separate your finances as soon as possible.