Sounds like it. That post has a different tone than some of your other ones concerning your wife. I am glad for you. Keep handling it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Sounds like it. That post has a different tone than some of your other ones concerning your wife. I am glad for you. Keep handling it.
Cheers
I know what you're picking up, Coach, and I see some of the same things too, but I think Rob tailors his advice for others based on where they are in their path. Just as a caricaturist exaggerates features to make a point, I think with people who are struggling, sometimes you have to OVER-emphasize a stance in order to get people's attention. I know I do.
Also, I try to provide what's MISSING in the other advice they're getting. And what's usually missing, as you know, is the "tough" part of the "tough love" equation.
Sounds like it. That post has a different tone than some of your other ones concerning your wife. I am glad for you. Keep handling it.
Cheers
I know what you're picking up, Coach, and I see some of the same things too, but I think Rob tailors his advice for others based on where they are in their path. Just as a caricaturist exaggerates features to make a point, I think with people who are struggling, sometimes you have to OVER-emphasize a stance in order to get people's attention. I know I do.
Also, I try to provide what's MISSING in the other advice they're getting. And what's usually missing, as you know, is the "tough" part of the "tough love" equation.
Puppy
Maybe I am over enthusiastic in some posts & responses but I think Puppy has the idea and generally speaking you usually never get more than what you ask for so you might as well ask for more, if you get it that's great, if you got close to what you were asking for, if you asked for more originally, it's probably what you wanted to get in the end anyways, if that makes sense.
I'm not guarded either, it's not like I'm walking around with my defenses up.
My life is great and you know what, with or without my wife it will be great, living your life just for your spouse ends with you being left behind and with no life and then you're all confused, "what do I do now?" "where do I go from here?" instead of "you know what, it's ok, things are going to be fine, it's unfortunate that things worked out like this but you know, it's not the end of the world, in fact, it's a new beginning"
Fear of loss/crisis motivates people to change. If you instill that fear of loss and your wayward spouse doesn't come back, you still have your answer instead of waiting years & years in limbo for a change.
Read BOT's thread to see what ass kissing and not being firm, confident and masculine gets you: a WAW that goes back & forth between you and the OM and boy that's a confidence booster if I ever saw one. As much as I've busted his rump recently for his crap behavior and not handling it properly, I'm impressed with the fact that he has held on for so long, seriously how many of us can say that they can stick around and be a punching bag and take that kind of punishment for such a long time? Now if only he could see that he's a strong guy underneath that wuss exterior that he hides behind and use that strength to turn his situation around, he would be in a great place too.
I don't have near the experience as some of the DB'ers on here. I compared my well being, and that of my children in a then and now sense. In the end, this is what i have learned... Appreciate what you have. You sound like you are doing well on your own, but trust your instincts. Ill never doubt mine again.
In my case, my current situation was better, i've dated some which was hard since i have my daughter 99% of the time. I hit a moment like yours just recently where i caught myself wondering, what if.... Then she reminded me how much she liked to yell and carry on.
There is my advice, trust yourself and your decisions. Everyone here could say do this or do that but unless its what you actually want you wont listen.
anyway i have a tendency to carry on so ill zip it at that. If you love her, go for it. If you love her but are done with the crap, maybe a little more tentative "dating", if You love her but have no more fight for the marriage then, there you are.
the key thing is, you love her. Just dont base everything on that.
ok SHH MLB
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Rob, I truly love reading your stuff.. I am in the early stages, and really listen to what you have told me so far.. Going dark it tough, and I hope that the message gets heard in her head and then she does the pursuing..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Rob. I'm in the middle of some of your advice... Getting a pedicure. Just tanned! My God! I look 10 lbs thinner!
You sound good!
Never mind me, check out how you ended that reply:
"...My God! I look 10 lbs thinner! "
That to me sounds like someone who is experiencing a self-esteem boost and that is definitely a step in the right direction: you feel good and guess who made you feel good? YOU! And that's what it takes. Internal validation. Nothing wrong with some external validation (Lord knows I enjoy it) but internal validation is where it's at, it gives you that world beater attitude, the kind of confidence that is very charismatic and it's very attractive. Keep it up!!!
Rob, I truly love reading your stuff.. I am in the early stages, and really listen to what you have told me so far.. Going dark it tough, and I hope that the message gets heard in her head and then she does the pursuing..
Yes it's tough in the early stages because you still are only grasping part of the message, you don't have to hope that the message gets heard by her, in fact, that hope is translated into body language on your part and people can read that and feel that, regardless of what words are spoken or unspoken.
You don't care if the message gets through to her, you start living your life for you again and moving on and letting go of her - when you do this for real, that's when things happen.
Wanting something badly - translates to not having something and it makes you feel bad and that translates into needy and insecure: both horribly unattractive traits, attraction killers.
You don't want it badly anymore. If you can have it, great but it isn't a deal breaker anymore, not living your life regardless of this situation is the deal breaker - don't waste your life waiting for someone to change and turn around and come back to you, that's you communicating that you don't respect yourself and your precious life and that's not attractive.
Seriously, I wish I had you in my back pocket to remind me what I need to do!!.... lol...
I read through your thread and what you have gone through.. You are an inspiration, and I am learning from you.. I thankyou for those tips. Its truly a behaviour thing that I must change within me. I appreciate the direct thoughts. I am soooooooo glad for this site.. thank you..
I am cheering you on with your R....
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
