Just wanted you to know I got your message. I am not ignoring you. I was in hospital last night and am going back now. I hope to be able to catch up on your sitch and post this afternoon.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Dear Maria, this is I suspect one of the hardest things you will ever have to decide. Your BFF is right he does need you. I have no doubt you can pull the cart a bit furthur/longer but for how long is the question. Can you do it for always. It is good that you still can say you love him,I don't think the in love feelings are going to be there for now. I am glad you left him the note,maybe it will boost his confidence alittle. I feel such sorrow for your H, he is in pain. I truly hope it will be strong enough for him to seek out the help he needs. He has to do this for him. Holding you both in my prayers.
I have wanted for so long to see a letter from him, and now that you have it, I don't know what to say. I agree completely with Cyrena. He is depressed. He speaks to you from the depths of a depression. And I don't know what to do about that. I am sorry that the letter was not more optimistic. i was hoping for optimism.
Hi M! Well, it was a long time coming, but maybe his letter arrived just in the nick of time huh??
I loved your note, well done by the way..well done. I agree with Cyrena and others (hi Cyrena!!).. I often said I thought your H was depressed, that he was dealing with it by being a workaholic, some men go that way with it. And that I never thought he seemed happy these past 1, 2 years. And I agree, there is NO WAY he would have written an email like that, or opened up in that way to ow. No way. Not from a soul level like that, so console yourself with that hey?
I think that is a positive in all of this. And that he loves you!!!
Oh and I think you can step in a little, just enough compassion and practical help to help him help himself, because he seems VERY lost and paralysed, as he said (paraplegic, lol... and after those analogies I was giving you about Christopher Reeves etc, ha).. like, for example, bf asked me for help, so I booked a doctors appointment for him.. but he went along and spoke to him and was honest and started on ADs again, which was down to him. So continuing with MC for now is a good idea, from your BFF? xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I think your H is lost and I think you feel you don't have enough in you to do this for both of you......and that is right. To heal the R, IMO, both parties have to be strongly committed. I am not saying your H can't get to that point, but he needs a lot of help and counselling. Can you wait that long?
You can't replicate what you had before things went wrong in the M, and before the A. It has to be a new R, one where you have both learned from what happened. You have to come to it as equals and adults.
How it appears to me is that YOU have done a lot of soul searching and 'sorted' your head out, but your H is in the mixed up stage and he is hoping you can rescue him. You can't, as you well know. You are not his mother, you are his W.
So if you want to give your M a chance still, I would tell him that you want to keep trying, you want to see if with C'ing he can start to feel that you can be together , but if he doesn't want to make that effort then it probably will end in D.
I think he is subconsciously playing on your emotions in that letter and looking for you to reassure him. He is scared but also sort of threatening you with the things he said at the same time.
This is very hard but you need to lay the foundations well in order to build a strong, new M. You know that I still have ups and downs and my H has always been so good since his A - if my H was leaving me with big question marks still, I know piecing would be damn near impossible for me.
I obviously don't know you like Ali does; she has met you etc., so her take in things is maybe more accurate, but that letter did not make me think aaaaaah - he's opening up - nice warm fuzzy feelings- it made me think that he was confused and wallowing in self pity and depression. That's a hard place to be and as Ali knows, it takes a strong person to deal with that. It is redeemable though sometimes.
((((((HUGS)))))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Good afternoon Maria....I think a virtual hug may be a propos ((((Kalni)))> The love that you feel when you first meet someone (the euphoric stage) does not last forever. Some people go from relationship to relationship trying to keep that feeling alive. That euphoric feeling turns into something less "emotinal" but deeper, I hope that is what you feel your H...and what he feels for you . No need to add that u can live without him. We can all live without someone, we adapt. Can you CHOOSE to live without him? I think the answer to that is a resounding NO. Otherwise, with what transpired he would have been history.
One last comment. You have figured out your love language and your H does not know what it is. That does your relationship no good at all. What is his LL and what are you doing to fill his cup everyday?
Where have you been John? Acts of Service. I have salad in the fridge for him everynight, dinner, make sure there is warm water for his shower in the morning, buy him little things he needs(his special toothpaste, special food the rest of us dont eat etc etc), take care of his clothes, let him sleep in in the morning etc. There isnt much I can do, I try to, even though we dont see each other.
Saffie thanks! I hope the hospital thing wanst serious. I am closer to your point of view than feeling fuzzy and excited about his email. I am preparing an answer back. I am working on it.
Lotus, you must have missed another long email he wrote me, in October, where he stated why he wants to reconcicle. That was a more optimistic letter...
That letter made me cry mish. For a man as I have described him, that doesnt talk about his feelings, saying he feels that life is slipping away from him, that he is useless and an a$$hole for not being able to offer me what I need, saying that he loves me, did affect me.
I pulled this qoute out. This is exactly what my STBXH felt. He coulddn't restore himself... in the end. I couldn't do it for him and you can't do it for him. For as long as he needs you or some Ow to make him "complete" .... he is broken.
That's what everyone who talks to STBXH says about him. He always talks so well of me, to others. They don't get it. If he thinks so well of me why isn't he trying to be here. Well, he did for 18 months but what he said in the end was " I just can't give you what you need and I don't understand. I try, and I try and I just can't."
It's very sad. I am sorry you are still getting hurt by all of this. I didn't realize how paralyzed I was until about a week after he left (2nd time) but all the emotions that were weighing me down.
Big Hugs to YOu!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Sandy, I know this is a huge risk. And I am not taking things lightly.
I sent him him a reply to his letter. Saying he is not useless to me, I am still here after all!! Saying to him that who he is didnt scare me away, that "in love" is based on good side presented, love is based on loving all sides and I am still here. I told him what is pushing me away is that the last 3 years he lost himself, lives his life with no direction, no feeling of belonging, no goals, no happiness. He left his home, a mans' castle, only to wander aimlessly, compare our "team" to a non important person, and still refuses to move forward, refuses to improve, refuses to mature, grow up. I told him this refusal is what will push me away for good.
I told him to me, he seems in a hole, I cant pull him out. I will be there if he asks my help, but I cant be doing the weight lifting, he needs to own the process.
In a few words, I decided to stick to my guns but made it clear, I will not let him down when he is "down", I just wont save him.
He called and said my email wasnt mean. He said it didnt offer anything "new" but he understands what I am saying. We talked for a bit. I asked him if he misses her, if there could be a chance he is still in love and that doenst allow him to dedicate himself to us. He said no, he said they have absolutely no contact and that he already told me he loves ME.
We talked a little bit about sex. He said, to him, sex will come once things get better, he is not in a hurry. He thinks like a woman for God's sake!! He wants us to "connect" before we do make love. I told him I think lack of physical connection for me is a problem that only gets worse. We see that differently obviously.
I will suggest he makes a firm plan with the C. Maybe I wont suggest it but let her tell him again as she already did : he goes every week and we go every 2 weeks.
In the meantime, I will stay focused, calm and try to get my mind off this. I will try to enjoy our time together and watch him. I am pulling the cart for a little while longer. He seems to realise what his responsibilities are. He knows he is not getting off the hook this time. K
