Maybe you should encourage him to write more letters to you. Sometimes writing can cause one to gain clarity. Is receiving a heartfelt letter one of your love languages (words of affirmation)?
Take an optimistic view now - it was a huge babystep for him to write out his thoughts even though he is one confused and lost dude.
I thought it was a sad letter. A man that is at his wits end. Lost. This will take time if you are willing. From all evidence, you love this man and he loves you.
You both are hurting and he has to face the truth that he is not a strong man. Are you strong enough for both of you? Are you willing to be? Speak softly Maria. The heart heals better with kindness and compassion.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Maybe you should take a leap of faith and say, I KNOW you can do it, you did it before, we can do it again. I want to get back there. I want it to be better than it was before. I won't settle for less.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Wow, that letter was amazing. It made me cry... I don't know what to say except...he loves you. I know you dont feel lucky right now, because of what he puts you through...but you are.
He eloquently explained how desperately stuck he is. How about giving him some more time, and him going to IC, seriously?
I'm so glad he FINALLY wrote to you, from the heart and that he clearly admitted he loved you and some. xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I dont know what to do. "Saving him" from his and my emotions hasnt worked in the past. Obviously. But I dont feel like pushing him further. I wonder if this is one of the times again, that I have to go against what "feels" right because it will end up wrong.
He hasnt called me at all today. He is deep in his cave and I think he may feel ashamed. I never wanted to make him feel inadequate. That's why the last month I tried to focus on what I need and how I want my life to be. I only asked him to tell me how he pictures his...
I cant still believe he thinks of me so strong and focused on reality. After all these years we've been together... Something was really wrong with our communication. It feels as he took what was presented to him as reality and never bothered to look at what IS, not what is presented to him.
I cant believe in the middle of his confusion, he still doesnt see that he has done all he could to lose me and I am still here, a DB dino, a woman that has showed all my soft spots. I tend to believe that he is one of those men, that need the woman to play games. I am not that kind of a woman.
I tried to show him how hurt I am and this is the result? I just dont know how to respond.
"I dont know what to do. I am wondering if I should push harder, stick to my guns without the slightest hesitation or just open my arms to him and guide him to my heart again."
Its a no brainer isnt it? Afterall, you got what you wanted, what you came here for.. you won him back, the A ended, he LOVES you, he wrote you a letter from the heart..which is what you have been telling us all you wanted him to do. Are you going to turn around and end it now? Why? That would be "cutting your nose off to spite your face"?... finally you are getting somewhere (slowly still!!!) you should... love him. Open your heart and welcome him in yes.
I kept saying, over and over, watch your communication with him, you are very strong and he may feel that you so strong in how you communicate that it leaves him at a loss or that his opinions/thoughts are useless, worthless. This was something bf said to me about how he felt before the bomb and I had to admit that he was right zs I too am a strong woman, a strong communicator but also yes, very soft and emotional (a paradox hey!). So I have turned that around and now I listen and I mean really listen.
For example, when your H said you have the show Friday, your answer was to state, "but you are not coming" - ask yourself, was that really the loving or most helpful response? How would it have made you feel if he had been that way with you? He tries, I know its not enough, but he tries.
Ok, so I thikn you should open your heart to him, drop all these protective mechansims, walls, barriers, "strength" - if it comes from a place of fear (protecting oneself from further hurt) then my BGF said, thats not being strong really, its a weakness and it wont serve you well.
So how to respond... well you need to talk, but for now, have you thanked him for the letter at least? How about acknoweldging you understand just how hard it may have been for him to write you such a letter and therefore that you appreciate it all the more and that you love him too...
Just leave it at that for now? No pushing, just an acknowledgement or some reassurance. He is probably very down, very afraid. Lost I thikn you or someone said.
xxx
Last edited by AliSuddenly; 02/03/1008:57 PM. Reason: Forgot the kisses!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I would say respond with love and compassion. No demands, affirmations that yes you are hurt but together you can find a way to rebuild your marriage.
He knows how badly he screwed up. I often think I could have turned it around if I hadn't kept throwing how bad he messed up, how hurt I was, How wrong this all was in his face. Remember, I didn't find this site until the D was already filed.
I know you can do this. I also believe that you want to.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
