I wish it was Pearl. All it was was an attempt to change the subject. We were talking about divorcing and he brought up a "parenting" issue although we both agree we dont have parenting issues. It was an incident, not even an incident and I wasnt going to discuss that in the middle of another discussion...
Ok, got it. I guess I missed that this happened in the middle of a D conversation. I would have responded the same way you did, wanting to keep to the topic at hand.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 02/02/1009:34 PM. Reason: clarification
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I, for one, completely understand what you are going through because my H behaves in the exact same way yours does. He's usually unresponsive when we're discussing our R, changes the subject during R discussions and refuses to acknowledge things I've requested. Believe me, we've had very similar convos. I know how frustrated you must be - I'm feeling it too.
(((((HUGS)))))
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
In agreeance with what PH pointed out, and this grabbed my attention:
Originally Posted By: Kalni
O -I hate it when you ignore me -I dont -well it feels like you are -but I am not, I read it
I know it can be hard in the heat of the moment, but I'm a stickler on key wording and how to phrase things. This is a prime example of how we are supposed to 'change' our mode of talk to our spouses, like this should have been "I feel like I'm being ignored at the moment and wish for some more insight on 'issue A".
I think that is the one thing that really stuck out since day one that I picked up the DB book, that I really did not communicate effectively with my (x)W and nor her to I. We were all about "I hate", "you never", "you always" and the like, it is highly reminiscing of the things that went wrong. Somehow, I managed to elimnate those completely from my vocabulary when stressing a negativety I feel from my (x)W. Ironcially, she must have picked up on it, as she has as well. And we communicate 1,000 times better than I think we ever have.
Just my token observation.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
What PH and dday pointed out also jumped out at me. It would immediately put H on the defensive. I've been guilty of doing the same and have to very consciously choose my words.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
It is so hard to know what to do. I am at a similar crossroads, although not dealing with this for as long in marriage (started when dating). I have decided what I want out of life and have told H what I want. It is so hard to wait for H to change and to know when to move on or wait a little longer for possible changes.
I feel for you! I don't know about your e-mails, but if you want a response, maybe make sure you ask specific questions that don't need long responses so he can have a chance to succeed. Not that you should baby him or lower your standards, but if you want him to reach your goal and change, you may need to break it down into even smallers steps.
Just a suggestion.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Hey sweets, you've asked me a couple of times... Anger : You know what? As long as someone is hitting me on my wound, the pain will be coming back... Me? I am good. I am angry for what he does/doenst do NOW, most of the times...
"Need to rescu" is part of my character. Is also part of my controlling nature. And I did work on that for a year with my previous C. Right now, I need to calm down. Stop improving-LOL...
He is now a major issue for me. He is affecting my life and the kids' lives. Like it or not this is the reality. I have accepted that. That's why I am dealing with it. K
I have a feeling you will throw something at me if I ask but,...have you asked him what steps HE thinks he needs to take to get your marriage back on track? this would have to be put out there with you listening and not arguing a point but creating an enviroment where he knows and feels that he will be heard.
He has withdrawn into a shell, afraid to say or do anything because it may be the wrong thing. I don't admire his position and feel he brought this on himself but perhaps the above will help.
I am truly hoping you get everything that you so richly desire and deserve.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
It is worth trying as an experiment. Just let him talk without dialog from you. And you can just paraphrase or validate with the greek equivalent of "uh huh". Resist the urge to control the conversation.
