I was told in a divorce kids model after their parents. I tried to do the best job I could with my explanation.
"You don't hold onto to someone who doesn't want to be there." Their dad had to want to be with us.
Just try your best. Go for counseling. Get in the best possible place to make good decisions.
"The kids will figure it out." Be consistent. Live your ideals. Actions speak louder than words.
Read The Four Agreements. Don't make assumptions, don't take things personally, be impeccable with your word, always try your best. I filter my emotions through those agreements. Getting rid of the crap distills the message.
You are their father. Have been. Always will be.
*hugs*
Hi Gypsy.
I'm picking up the book tonight after work. Been reading about it on the net and it looks uplifting. Thanks for the recommendation.
Your post is chock full of sound wisdom and good advice...and truths. Thank You.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Good choice Ant, you can surely find some good in that book.
Putting those into practice will be key.
For me, the best help has been 'Don't take things personally' I use it over and over, just saying those words at times when I start to dwell on STBXW or anything else that is going on.
What my STBXW is doing is not about me, it is about her and her Journey.
Not taking it personally allows me to focus again back to myself and what my d9 needs with me.
I think everyone needs to find there 'thing' or 'saying' that helps trigger or remove you from negative thought cycles.
Peace brother.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I think I'm going to pick that up myself...Looks like a good book...
3. Don't Make Assumptions Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
This fits me to a T, I make assumptions all the time, not just with EX but at work too...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Agreed. Taking things personally is actually selfish because you make the assumption that everything is about you! The whole darn world can think whatever they want about you, and if you don't take it personally you're immune.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Hope things are going well for you antlers. I am in the same point as you, tried to give my W time and "space", did everything I could to save the marriage, she just didnt want to take the time and make it work.
Do you have a sitch summary anywhere?
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
antlers, the part about your wife whispering to the kids about your 'fitness to parent', and forbidding counseling for them, is not healthy. This is the exact thing that the Judge in our case warned us both not to do. She is making a big mistake. But enough about her, how do you choose to respond? Be the better choice. Kids have pretty good BS radar. While Co-Dependent tactics may work a while (lying, using kids to do the grown-ups' work, avoidance) eventually it gets harder and harder to keep all the balls in the air. Me, I'm using the Patience method, with a side order of Praying for Him to Crash and Burn approach. I trust that God is watching out for me and my kids (and even my lousy STBX).
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
