My Story

[Wired]

Update:
In late tonight after bookstore. Picked up DR and "Hold on to your Nuts" OMGWTF!!This guy knows me personally! Talk about being hit with a 2x4!! I didnt hide reading HOTYN as I felt if questioned I could explain it as "Something I need right now" Did not show her DR.
Never a word mentioned between the two of us for a couple hours.
Son had a problem with computer and for some reason she was the one that came down and asked about it. She sat at the bar across from my desk as my son and I talked and put her head down, she looked beat down.
I held firm and did not say a thing.(Controlling tears is a bitch)
She got up and walked away and my son and I talked a bit longer.
I explained to him a couple things and told him in a few days I need to talk to him about somethings.
He hugged me and told me he loved me. I know Im supposed to be toughguy, but this brought the tears...
Im trying guys.

[Awoken]

You're doing good Wired, and hold on to your N.U.T.S.

Controlling those tears gets easier as you take better care of yourself. Take some time for yourself, in private and let it all out. I've spent many hours alone in the shower, away from my kids, sobbing. Keep trying, you can do this.

[Wired]

The doubts started last night as I lay awake in bed. What if I am doing the wrong thing? What if doing a 180 and waiting for her to come around is taken as he doesnt love me and I will still go on with this.
Do I get her something for Valentines day knowing how much holidays mean to her. How will this differ from the mistakes I made in the past on holiday?
Lord please bless me with the strength and serenity to get through this day.
-Footsteps please Lord

[jasper67]

You are doing great- I'm sure you've already said everything you can say to her- now just the 180's detatch and 4C's, PMA.
It's good your focusing on your kids.
I'm not a pro at all- I know most others will say no Valentines Day anything.
I effed up in my sitch and did Christmas. Just play it out and see how it goes. Do the unexpected. And do find the time and privacy to let out your grief. It's what's best for you, but she does not need or deserve to see it.

[Wired]

Not a good day today.
Stayed home from work as was just to beat down from work and all that has been going on.
Woke up early and wanted to talk to my kids and explain to them a bit of why things where turning out this way.
Unfortunately I let my emotions take over and made myself out to be the bad guy...again. But I did get somethings out that I think needed to be said.
Much hurt as I think my daughters are now lost to me. I think my son still has a bit of faith/hope that Dad can turn things around.(Not in the marriage, but in his and mine relationship)
After the talk with the kids, W and I sitting at table talking about things, phone rings and without a word she walks out of the room, comes back and sits down and starts talking to her sister(sob we where in mid sentence.)

Here is where I really mess up, I get up to walk out and take a drive so the anger would not show, grabbed my shoes from bedroom and by time I reached kitchen(where she was sitting down)I had cooled down enough to realize storming out was not the answer so I put my shoes down, a little too harshly and she picked up on it in a heartbeat... well [censored], one step forward, 2 steps back.

18 years = 18 months right? pheww its gonna be a long ride

[Awoken]

Hey Wired,

These early days are the worse.

It's good that your are looking inwards and accepting your parts in the failure of the marriage. Remember that she had a part too.

Are you taking care of yourself? It's so crucial right now. You need to eat, drink lots of water, and get exercise.

Much hurt as I think my daughters are now lost to me. I think my son still has a bit of faith/hope that Dad can turn things around.(Not in the marriage, but in his and mine relationship)

Focus on today, not the future. You are their father forever. Be the best father you can TODAY. It's good that you are accessing your past failures, but use them to improve who you are now. They will respect you for it.

After the talk with the kids, W and I sitting at table talking about things

What things are you talking about? You need to get busy with your own life now. I know how hard it is. What you need to be doing is figuring out what Wired wants out of life, want Wired needs to do to be a better man and better father. You should be too busy to be having talks about things right now. The first steps are the hardest. I started with taking walks.

What if I am doing the wrong thing? What if doing a 180 and waiting for her to come around is taken as he doesnt love me and I will still go on with this.

This is your fear. Fear will paralyze you. You need to read more threads here! Everyone asks this question. Time is on your side, but you need to take some action for yourself. Small steps are good.

[sandi2]

Don't allow her to make you look like the bad guy in this stitch. Don't "accept" being the bad guy thinking it is the part you should play. You are not being nobel doing that. It will hurt your girls and it will affect their R with men for the rest of their lives. They have to respect their father. Please believe me....it's so important that you don't "cover" for your W. She has to have the consequences to deal with.....and not hand them to you.

As for Valentines, don't you think it would be rather inappropriate since that is the day of romance & love? I think she might utter a small "thanks", but I can promise you that she will not like it. In fact, you will make yourself look like.......well, a wuss for caving.

You don't have to be a jerk about it, but just don't go that route. The two of you are talking D. Are you going to give her a card professing your love, or flowers & candy? It just doesn't make good sense to me (thinking as a WAW thinks).

These second thoughts you are having about what you are doing is the fear that is trying to take control. You can't lose what you don't have....and right now, you don't have a M and you don't have your W's love. Actually, you don't have your W....so you don't have anything to lose. However, you have everything to gain. That is what you need to think about. Forget this old R. Forget this old life and the old person you've been. Start fresh and make yourself into a new man.

Opperating out of emotions will rob you of all your energy. Have you seen your doctor about any meds yet? This will make you too sick to work or to continue on if you don't find help. Depression is a killer. Don't let it do that to you, please.

[Awoken]

Listen to Sandi!

(I spend 20 minutes on a post, and it's no where near this clear.)

[flowmom]

You are getting good advice here Wired. I hope you can follow it. Here are some things to live by right now, that sandi was kind enough to post in my first thread:

I often give this list to newcomers as a guide or work plan b/c it is a summery of DB's 180's. Hope it will help.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Any kind of acknowledgement of V-day would be a DBing no-no in your sitch.

Can you take a babystep tomorrow towards dealing with your depression?

[Wired]

Thank you guys/gals. Sometimes it just helps to hear things you know are right.
My biggest challenge right now is trying to silence the little boy inside me who is in pain and just wants it all to stop. I am trying to let the "MAN" take over and do the things that need to be done.
I do have a question that is eating at me right now.
How do I know if it was love I had for her or dependency? How do you know if you truly love someone. I know, silly question, but it is one that is hitting me hard right now.

I think I can self answer it. Become the man you need to be and then ask yourself that question?
Thank You