My Story

[Wired]

The men here can tell you ways to check and see if your W is contacting another man. But if you find that she is.....don't accept the number one line that WAW's give..."He's just a friend" b/c that is BS. A woman should not have any friendship with a man that is secret from her H and does not include her H.

If she knows you are very trusting of her, she'll let her guard down. If you know your way around a computer, you can find emails that she shouldn't have. Check her cell phone when she's in the bathroom or check the phone bills.

My H would have bet his life that I would never cheat on him........and he would have lost. I had an EA after many years of M, so it can happen....even to the best of us.

Not trying to make you feel worse than you already do, but trying to prepare you. Just expect most anything. There are a few WAW's who are not in an A, but not many.

Ugghhhh, ok where/who/how do I post this as to not be out of line with the rest of the forums?
And thank you all once again. I have been reading for an hour now and see so many mistakes I have made.

[Wired]

Well,
I checked through her phone this morning before work. I did not see any numbers out of the ordinary except the phone call to her Ex.
Even though I know she went to see her ex-motherinlaw a couple weeks ago which meets up with the time frame that the call happened. But it still hurt. (The fact that she ran into him during her visit and said nothing till a week later also hurt..)

So Im going to the bookstore after work this evening to see which of Micheles books they have and start trying to find myself. (Any suggestions on which one to start with?)
I do have one quick question tho and if its been answered before I apologize, but this one is supposed to happen today and I would like a bit of advice.
She is supposed to call around and talk to some attorneys/mediators today. If she finds one she is wanting to make an appointment during my work hours for us to go.
Issue is that I have a deadline that I really need to keep this week at work.
So would asking her to wait for the appointment until I can get this completed before I take a day off work be the right thing to do? Or would that be pushing her farther away? (Remember my first post about putting things off)
If its the right thing to do, then I have no issue taking the time off as the way I look at it work will always be there, but then that conflicts with the things I have read here about taking care of myself... soooo much to learn.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would say that your job comes first. And it's not like you're trying to push it off several weeks or anything.

In general, remember, this is HER DEAL. You don't need to help push it along the path.

Puppy

[SDFoundGirl]

She is supposed to call around and talk to some attorneys/mediators today. If she finds one she is wanting to make an appointment during my work hours for us to go.
Issue is that I have a deadline that I really need to keep this week at work.
So would asking her to wait for the appointment until I can get this completed before I take a day off work be the right thing to do? Or would that be pushing her farther away? (Remember my first post about putting things off)

Do not ask her for permission; she is not your mommy. You are a man. If you have a project at work, then you are not available, period. She doesn't have to like it.

"I'm sorry, W, but that doesn't work for me. It will have to be <insert time/date/etc. here>."

One of the big things that happens to men in a M is they become sort of passive and do whatever is necessary to keep the peace. Sometimes we women beat the man out of you. The thing is, women don't respect men who roll over for them and don't act like men, and women can't be sexually attracted to men they don't respect.

It's what happened in my M...I had emotionally walked away, but know what happened when my H dropped the bomb and I couldn't talk him out of it like I'd been able to with every other thing in our M? I took notice and respected the hell out of him. And then I DB'd my butt off to get him back.

Any chance your W might feel the same way?

SD

[gman]

One of the big things that happens to men in a M is they become sort of passive and do whatever is necessary to keep the peace. Sometimes we women beat the man out of you. The thing is, women don't respect men who roll over for them and don't act like men, and women can't be sexually attracted to men they don't respect.

SD

Listen to what SD says here - this is exactly what happened to me as well....again hind sight is 20/20 but the harder part is going to be going forward.

Have you done anything to GAL yet? As of right now i have had my W watching me for a few weeks now...nor pursuing (very hard) and i notice she is watching....closely.

[Wired]

It's what happened in my M...I had emotionally walked away, but know what happened when my H dropped the bomb and I couldn't talk him out of it like I'd been able to with every other thing in our M? I took notice and respected the hell out of him. And then I DB'd my butt off to get him back.

Any chance your W might feel the same way?

SD

I wish I knew. Im still in the process of trying to figure out exactly where she stands.
About the only thing I have so far is "She doesnt have it in her to go on" and does not think things can change.
Now to top it off the seed has been planted that maybe there is OM and now I have to figure out how to deal with that on top of everything.

Right now I have made the determination to get my life in order and try to take care of myself and stop just throwing everything I have worked for in the past 20 years away. (Like a dumbass I first offered her my entire 401k and all the money from the house if it sells.)
I was ready to give up on everything and Ill be honest even have had suicidal thoughts just to end the pain. But after much reflection and even some of the very things I have been reading in these forums has shown me that this same weakness that I am now displaying is the same weakness that has put me in this situation.

This is all so easy to type out, now to start taking those steps.

[Wired]

GMAN,
Sorry didnt see your question, was typing reply out above.(Ok then I had to go look up what GAL ment :))
About the only thing I have done at this point is make Doctor appointment to get help with the smoking and depression bouts. More the smoking then the depression now that I feel I know what was causing the depression, but would still like to get some professional advice.
Second thing is having bookstore hold my books for me so I can run down and pick them up right after work.

I do have some things in mind, I need to get my lazy butt to the fitness center this week and get back into my workouts. Also a pool hall near here has a pool league I want to check out. Im kinda leary about that one as it puts me into a bar room scenario and I need to make sure I am strong enough for that. Ive been in the bottom of a bottle and the only thing there is the next one.

[gman]

GMAN,
(Ok then I had to go look up what GAL ment :))

lol....we all have!

I do have some things in mind, I need to get my lazy butt to the fitness center this week and get back into my workouts. Also a pool hall near here has a pool league I want to check out. Im kinda leary about that one as it puts me into a bar room scenario and I need to make sure I am strong enough for that. Ive been in the bottom of a bottle and the only thing there is the next one.

I am no vet at this - but i will tell you that getting my "lazy butt" off the couch and just going for a run one night has led me into starting to GAL. (Along with reading DR)

Do a 180 if you will - don't do "more of the same". Time to work on you now.
not sure - but others will chime in, i would stay away from a bar/pool hall especially if you have had a past with drinking.


Also check into a book i think Coach told me about the UltimateMind Solution.

[Wired]

Sitting here all pumped up and ready to start this GAL thing. Then the feelings start to creep back. I go an read a few posts and that builds me back up a bit, but then when I let my mind go idle it starts back again.

I see people here that have been doing this for years and I envy the strength that I see. Here I am just a few weeks into things and I my insides are all torn up, god please give me strength for just one more day.
See what happens when the boss calls in sick and we are all left with a full day to goof off !

[MrBond]

The pain will go away in time.

I agree with the others. Make it so that what she "wants" to plan is "convenient" for you. If she wants it so bad, she has to make the plans accommodate you.

She will get pissed saying that you are holding things up. Not at all. You've just got more important things in your life.

Think of her like a teenager. She's making demands, throwing a tantrum and running away from home. You stand strong yet be flexible enough to avoid her tantrums.