Last night, late, I told him I need to ask him again what he has decided. He said he has decided he wants us to continue trying. He doenst want to give up. I told him what I need/want hasnt change and it wont. So, if we are so far apart, it is only good for our kids to be honest with each other and do what needs to be done.
I really admire your integrity in this situation. You are laying down the foundation for a renewed M, not just saving the M at any cost.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Doc, You can call the local chapter and see if they need an Angel couple.
Wife would never agree to go again on her own. . Like I said it was too soon for her... she was still lost in the fog of denial and just went on her to please me. (Which I am thankful for) I do think it helped her but she is not religious and even though religion is not pressed there she could not get past that part...Sorry for hijacking your post Kalni
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Hi Doc, I wish Retro was possible here. H can not be guided thru me to even try some improved communication method, he resists anything that comes from me. At least his first reaction is refusal.
Yesterday I sent him an email. Telling him he needs to inform me what is going on. It was calm and despite the issue very "caring-loving". No reply. During MC he said he doesnt ignore me, he "just does not respond to me". If anyone can point out the difference for me I would gladly listen.
This morning my D didnt want to go to school. He heard her complaining, heard me upset and woke up and yelled at her. I told him "I dont need your yelling, thanks!". He went quiet and eventually fell asleep (dont even know what time he came back last night).
I cooked a wonderful shrimp spaggeti and cheesepie last night. It was after midnight when I finished. I had already eaten so I just stored it but needed to cook because I love it. This morning I saw H had sniffed it out of the fridge and ate it all!!!
I am planning on starting having a massage every 2 weeks. Never done that and I need it.
I am also thinking of highlighting my hair. I have turned completely white! Even my eyebrows !! I will soon be blonde with very little effort... K
I think he feels when he doesn't reply, he is protecting himself in some way. He doesn't want to get into an argument. Ignoring you, he doesn't it give it much thought and not worth the time of a reply.
So in one he is protecting feelings and in the other there aren't feelings involved. At least I think that is what he means.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
That's about what I was gonna say. If he was ignoring you he wouldn't even hear you, it would be in one ear and out the other. Not responding, he hears but isn't ready to talk/act yet.
We know how slow he is...LOL
LOVE the massage idea. I try and go about once a month. Also liking the hair idea, sometimes it's nice for the PMA for switch things up.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
"H cannot be guided thru me to even try some improved communication method, he resists anything that comes from me. At least his first reaction is refusal." But in reality I don't want my wife to just go through the motions either; I feel that if she does not do it on her own then it is not something she wants. As for him yelling at your D.... I have the opposite sitch here... Wife and son get into arguments and if I try to get in and help her I turn into the bad guy, so even though it makes me feel like I am NOT co parenting...I try to just stay out of it. Of course if she asked me to help I would. "I am planning on starting having a massage every 2 weeks. Never done that and I need it."I could not even imagine getting a massage right now. I have been without intimacy for so long I would be afraid of what might arise if I got a massage...Woman or man I have started a "self centering" exercise though 30 min of just doing nothing but relaxation listening to a tape. Shrimp spaghetti? Never heard of it but it does sound good. Next time let me know so I can stop by for a taste
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I dont think that I have ever had the "I dont want to go to school syndrome", however, I had a very upset little boy last night who needs to learn to detach from the actions of others and not try to control other children. I printed him out the "Let Go" poem for him to think about along with having him work on one very important cub scout core value - Positive Attitude (being cheerful and setting our minds to look for and find the best in all situations).
Originally Posted By: Wonderful Hardworking Greek Chef
I cooked a wonderful shrimp spaggeti and cheesepie last night. It was after midnight when I finished. I had already eaten so I just stored it but needed to cook because I love it. This morning I saw H had sniffed it out of the fridge and ate it all!!!
As for your H not responding - I cannot understand. If I had a wife that I loved, who communicated clearly to me her disatisfaction, who fed me and who was a wonderful mother, I would move mountains to try to change so as to keep her in my life. And I would most certainly work hard on communicating with her my intentions.
Ohh Kerry thanks. Very nice of you... So, H actually said he READ the email and doesnt ignore me. He couldnt answer the question "what exactly are you doing then?".
I hate feeling I act as a bitch but it's not much I am asking, honestly.
The conversation didnt go well. He ignores what I tell him on top of what I write him. My credibility is very bad at the moment. He senses soomething is different but he is on defense mode and will take it to the end. I cant say it is his loss because it obviously is what he wants. Even talking to him is so damn hard. Like -have you read my email? -Yes I have -what are you thoughts? -I am thinking what you tell me in the email -so? what are you thinking? -what you are telling me, I told you or
-I hate it when you ignore me -I dont -well it feels like you are -but I am not, I read it -and? -I wrote half an email back -and? -well I need to write the other half -when? -when I have time -this is ridiculous! -why? I dont understand -well, it's clear we are not in the same wave length -I think we are and then -I need to tell you something serious (H) -I am all ears -I didnt like it when you said you dont need my yelling infront of the kids -WHAT? This is something else, I am telling I had enough and you ... -SURE!! NOTHING I say is serious, right?
or -I am ot setting up anymore MC sessions -Oh yes, I meant to tell you, we cant make it this week because of the show -I dont think you are coming with me -...and we would have to leave early -did you hear me? -yes, but I think this week is bad -not this week not next week, I am not playing games -..... and on and on and on...
I was thinking today, what if we divorce now? How would I label the last 4 months? Wasted? The answer is NO! I think some people with control issues like myself, need to be faced with reality :you cant control anyone but yourself (if that). It's good to be reminded. I am raising kids, I am sure I will deal with that same fact many times down the road.
H is expected to come here, sleep by my side and pretend nothing is wrong. Till I kick him out. I hate telling the kids "the effort didnt work out". Hate it... K
Kalni, I totally get that you're frustrated with H's lack of action. But this example stood out to me:
Originally Posted By: Kalni
-I need to tell you something serious (H) -I am all ears -I didnt like it when you said you dont need my yelling infront of the kids -WHAT? This is something else, I am telling I had enough and you ... -SURE!! NOTHING I say is serious, right?
H was attempting to have a serious conversation with you but you blew him off because you didn't want to discuss that particular incident, you wanted to talk about what YOU wanted to talk about. I can see how, if that is a pattern, that would frustrate H and lead him to conclude that you will never hear him out or will only talk on your terms.
I know that you are at a crossroad and agree that H needs to step up now or risk losing you and his family forever. I just think that perhaps this is his babystep at opening up and you just steamrolled right over it.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
