Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, but

[Butterfly1]

wow so great your H is on board and involved now. Yes, this is how it should be. I'm really happy for your S as well.

[flowmom]

Hey Freckle,

I really needed some inspiration tonight, so thank you for your thread! It's like reading a fairy tale to me right now.

I haven't read many WAH/MLC stories on the forum that haven't had an A as a focus. Your story resonates with me because we've been together for a long time (17 years) and we have small children. H really withdrew from me about a year after S6 was born, though he only made it official by moving out a month ago.

Once thing that I wanted to ask was, any thoughts on things you did right in the early stages of your separation, that later (much later) paved the way for the piecing action that's going on right now?

Anyway, I'm glad that you're finding some happiness in the present. I hope that your S recovers soon...I just recovered from pneumonia myself and it threw me for a loop.

[Freckle6]

Hi Flowmom. I'm glad my sitch gave you a little mental boost.

I don't know if I did anything "right" early on or through all of this that actually helped, but I do believe there were critical things that I didn't do wrong. I bit my tongue a lot on how I felt about him at various times (jerkface, @sshat, etc.). LOL

We never "fought" really. I disagreed with him about things over the years, but was consciously non-argumentative even when he tried to bait me. I think he was surprised I never got psycho or vindictive or any of that, though inside I was tempted many times. Basically, I don't regret any thing I've said or done all the time since the bomb. I tried to take the high road.

I didn't bad mouth him to my family or real life friends (to this day they know very little about what's happened). Part of it was I was mortified this was happening to me, but another part was that I didn't want to make it hard for him to return by him knowing I turned all these people against him.

My H wavered back and forth a lot in the first couple of years. I never turned him away and reiterated at those times that I understood the things that went wrong and fully thought it was fixable and that it was worth it and he was worth it. Though beyond a few early things, I didn't persue him. Mostly because of pride and fear.

I left most of the actual legal D stuff to him. I didn't want it, wouldn't pay for it, and wouldn't do the work for it and told him as much. If you click my ID you can find my early threads. There may be things I've forgotten too. I think I started posting here a few months before my H moved out. I'm not too anxious to reread any of them quite yet... As you know, it's a very raw and painful time. I think I only had 4 or 5 threads total, but I read here constantly.

I'll catch up on the threads in your sig and see if I can offer any advice. Hang in there, hon. This site got me through those awful times. If for no other reason than having people that really know how you feel. Hugs.

[flowmom]

Thank you so much Freckle for filling me in. I appreciate your insights. I want to look at your early threads, but I think that it's also helpful to get the "hindsight" view so I'm grateful that you took the time.

[Freckle6]

Got a dose of reality in keeping expectations low for V day. Last week H was pretty quiet. If we texted, it was only a few back and forths. In his defense, he's been trying to shake a cold/sinus infection that he got from when son has pneumonia and I had bronchitis.

Friday he was much chattier though and he discovered a problem with the summer camping reservation we had made the weekend before. We watched the opening ceremony for the Olympics "together" and he told me to look into a trip to Canada for us sometime before our camping trip in July. When he dropped S off Saturday afternoon he came in and we fixed the reservation and got a better/more private site like we had wanted. He went home and crashed because he was still feeling like crap so he didn't spend the night like he's been doing. I put together a big pan of unbaked lasagna for him as his valentine's "present" because he's mentioned how much he misses my lasagna.

Of course Sunday was Valentine's. He and S hid some stuff on Saturday when he was here and Sunday morning I had a treasure hunt. A silly card and some candy. Gifts definitely aren't my LL, so that all was fine. I didn't hear from him all day though and started getting antsy by evening. I had to keep talking myself down by reminding myself of the summer plans we had just made the day before and all that.

I broke down and texted him that night to say thanks. I didn't want him to think I was being rude. He texted me right back and we "talked" for a bit (pushed out the idea that he was with someone else--I tell you, I was going crazy). He said he was starting to feel better finally. I was pretty disappointed though that I didn't actually see him that day.

He texted me pretty early last night (we do lots of texting because he only has his cell phone and has limited talk minutes) and was much more himself. Flirted, said we'd have fun cooking together more often, etc. and all that brought me down from the ledge a bit.

The lesson? Keep expectations low--especially for crap that gets all built up like Valentine's day! And wow, this "piecing" has been going on since early November--3 months now! This is by far longer than any of his other touch and gos all these years.

I got him a card to go with the lasagna and since I haven't seen him, I'm undecided if I should give it to him. I thought it was funny, but might be too much R "talk". It says, "I don't need a normal relationship" and inside it says, "I like ours just fine"--something like that. It was one of the few that fits!

[flowmom]

Freckle, it sounds like he wanted to acknowledge V-day, but didn't want to be around to mess things up? Even happily married wives often find that their Hs just can't pull V-day off. Your card is cute.

[Butterfly1]

Wow, you are my idol, yet you still have VDay anxiety? lol. Glad to know I"m not alone. We all go through it don't we? I'm glad you texted him and set your mind to ease! Sometimes this big no no against contacting them just doesn't fit. I think it fits more when we are doing too much pursuing. I understand the anxiety about - where is he and why isn't he calling he must have an OW - so I also know you don't always want to contact them out of that anxiety. But see? You got your reassurance.

VDay is a terrible holiday. Why do we let ourselves get all wrapped up in it?

I got no gifts but I got a few good R assurances. H texted me to tell me he was on the golden gate bridge. Usually I have no idea where he disappears to and I don't want to panic and ask. But it felt really good to be assured he wasn't with an OW which is of course where our minds go to when we don't see them on VDay.

Great job. you took care of yourself and you are still my idol!

[Freckle6]

Yeah, V day was just the icing on the cake for his "quietness" last week, and it brought out the insecurities in full force. The two nights I texted him first last week, there were only a couple texts and then he said he was going to bed and goodnight. He did text me one morning and said "hey stranger" and we "talked" so I tried to use that to calm myself, but... Everyone here knows where the mind goes.

Things are back to normal though so far this week. He's texted me first both nights and we've talked for a couple hours each time. I guess it really was him not feeling well and I was reading too much into it all. He has a habit of just quickly cooling off with me so I'm still on high alert for that--even though like I've said, it's never lasted his long before or been this "normal" either.

Last night he was telling me that he told people at work about our camping trip and he said they were all asking him if we were getting back together. He's only had this job for a year so well past all the bombs. I just said, "Oh..." in reply to that. I didn't ask what he said in answer to that. My philosophy--don't ask questions you might not be ready for honest answers to.

Then he said that his sister's husband "caught" us too when he saw H's truck here early one morning. I just said ha--I guess the driveway isn't a good hiding place. And of course his parents know he's been staying here sometimes because they're across the road and his Dad brings over the Sunday paper when they're done with it Sunday mornings.

We were talking about more vacations last night and one place he wants to go is to Florida where my grandmother and aunt and uncles live. When we lived in SC we'd drive there often and that was where we were going to move to until we ended up back in NY. My family there all adored him and I know if we went there, they'd treat him as if nothing happened. The last time we were there together was when I was pregnant and things were just starting to get rocky. I remember crying behind my sunglasses one morning as we were out to coffee because he was acting different to me.

One dark spot in all this is I think we're going to have to put our remaining 15 year old cat down soon. She has a badly infected eye that doesn't seem to be clearing up from anything the vet gave me for her. I think it got scratched by the kitten I have. And since she got all those meds at the vet, she's regurgitating dry food almost instantly. She eats the canned pate food ok and has a great appetite. Better than ever, in fact. She has other existing health problems and probably isn't fit for anything involving anesthesia (she stopped breathing a few years ago during an operation), not to mention I can't afford it. I feel terribly guilty.

[Butterfly1]

Well done, if his pattern has been to cool off quickly that is going to be a definite button for you. Of course you are going to begin to panic if he suddenly seems to back off. And, some men are emotionally dumb sometimes, esp. the WAS ones (no offense LBS guys) and having peace and quiet just feels good to them and they don't realize how it can hurt the other person.

Perhaps you can at some point have a talk about this button. If he can acknowledge that you're responding to a past pattern, perhaps he would be willing to agree to a regular text or phone schedule to reassure you? I know RW has been getting a lot of comfort from her returned spouse when she gets triggered about all the stuff from him leaving (OW), and I know LR is also struggling with her insecurities from H leaving (money), and there is hope that once they've committed they can be reassuring and kind.

So sorry about your kitty. One of the most painful things I had to do was put one of my cats down. I felt so guilty I had my boyfriend at the time drop him off and pick up the body. Couldn't handle the grief. My other cat is 17 now and puking and peeing at random, but still hanging in there. I will hope you can get through this ok. Always helps to get a new kitten right away too. That was the only way I could stop crying every day!

[gutwrenching]

Two things I think I can add.
1. So sorry about your cat, we just put our dog down. And what I offer is brace yourself for any and all type of reaction from your H. I was surprised by how my WAS handled the situation...shows how much they change and how much they are not the person they were before. Don't read too much into anything he says or does right before/after you have to do that. I am so sorry, it is a rough time, we just went thru it.

2. Let me second what Hope4Luv says about the peace and quiet. My WAS tells me how much she relishes the peace and quiet and is completely dumb to how it can hurt me. Very good point there