Oh my gosh Upside I totally know how you feel. It's like they want to keep one foot in the door and what out and that is exactly what my h said. They want you to hang on but they aren't sure how committed they can be. They miss you but not enough to move home. They don't want to lose you, but don't want to move home either, hence the confusion.
I think we are just as confused as they are. Then we start down that path as why wait and the journey gets old yada yada yada.
Step back, like you have and live for yourself for now. Your h will need to decide one day if he wants to catch up with you or not and then you will decide whether you want him back. You don't have to make a decision, sometimes those decisions will be made in time and made for us.
I saw the depression is what held my h back. He was paralyzed to take a step forward. The more I pushed the further he withdrew to the point of no return or return on his terms only. Then you have to ask what is the point of the R.
I hope this all works out for you. I wouldn't want that any other way, but I do know for sure that I couldn't make my h do anything he didn't want to. That was the biggest ah ha for me. As much as I wanted my h to return, he just wasn't going to do it by me asking and trying to get him to see my view. I do know that tactic didn't work.
I am blessed to have a friendship and business partner with my h. That is all I could ask of him and that is all he could give.
Maybe your sitch needs more time. You have lots of positives.
Cheers,
Glam
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
glam girl makes a lot of sense although my R with xh never came close to where you both are/were I can relate to the WAS wanting to keep a foot in the door not being able to committ but cant leave either I experienced some of that when H and I were are better terms so maybe the decision is easy --or no decision just move forward and see where it all goes maybe it be will directed to you as life does that peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
My ex would love one foot in my door and one with OW, that is what makes this whole scenario so sick. I could not handle it as well as I could not handle being his scapegoat for his angry feelings. It just does not work for me. He is pissed because of this.
All i can do for him is pray everynight for him and let it go.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Nothing new in my sitch other than the NC seems to be getting easier for me. It helps that I have been staying busy...except my father had a seizure in the middle of the night last night. We spent 8 hours in the ER waiting for the doctors to check everything out. As I am finding out, it is not all that uncommon for stroke survivors to have seizures. I am emotionally exhausted...maybe I just don't have enough energy to be bothered by the NC.
glam-I have been reading more on depression trying to understand it even more. I don't think I will ever truly understand unless I get to their level of depression. I feel bad for my H but, as you say, I need to live my life for me now...and it is easier for me with NC. I have considered dating but I don't think I am ready. I would just love to find new friends and new interests...however that is difficult to find the time with my kids, my dad and now work. Living life for me may actually have to wait to take priority for a few more years.
peace-I know you and your XH were on better terms in the beginning. I think he struggled with what he was doing. It is so sad for the kids and for him that he has gone AWOL. However, IMO, it is probably easier on you that way. Hopefully when your XH figures himself out, it won't be difficult to come back into your kids lives. My mother disappeared for 2 years and now we have a great relationship so it is possible.
trusting-I have never been good at setting boundaries with my H. I allowed him to keep one foot in and one foot out but in my sitch, there is no known OW. This is my 2nd M. My first H had an OW and kept a foot in both doors until I finally said enough. All these years later, I am still the scapegoat for his and his now W's angry feelings. It wasn't until I was able to distance myself from them that the harrassment stopped. I'm sure they still blame me for everything but I don't know about it anymore and I don't really care. I think you are handling your situation the best way possible. It tells what kind of person you are that you still pray for your XH after everything he has done...I must admit, I never did that for my first H but back then I didn't have a forum like this to help me understand what was going on. It does help to come here.
Thanks for the call Upside. Sorry I had to cut that short with my h's drama. Nothing came out of it, but a stealth exit with no explaination. Sound all too familiar.
Nothing has changed I am on track and will continue to move forward. The weekend confirmed that is exactly what I need to do.
Sorry about your father. It always seems one crisis follows another.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
There is nothing new to report in my sitch. In another month or so, I will have to contact my H about our taxes but other than that, there is no need for me to contact him...that is unless I decide to proceed with the D...who knows.
It is strange, I miss my H but right now I feel kind of at peace with everything. With NC, I don't have to feel hurt or disappointed that he has to run off for whatever reason. I don't spend time thinking about what he is doing or what the future has in store for us. I hope I can continue accepting things the way they are and looking forward to the next chapter of my life...whatever that may be.
peace- Thanks. I hope you are doing well. It is hard to watch your parent's health decline. I am hoping that this isn't too much of set back for my father. My mother hasn't been doing so well either. I hope things get better from here.
glam- I think you are doing the right thing. Your H doesn't seem ready to do the work on himself. He would have to do that before you both could begin to work on your M and it doesn't look like that is happening. I wish he willing to do the work but you seem ready to move forward without him. Keep us posted and take care.
Upside Im glad you are feeling at peace Life pushes us forward and as we know all things always work as divinely planned you have done tremendous work and growth on you who knows what will happen to your H but if no Contact is helping you that is good It is so much easire for me too to NOT have to see XH anymore the house is peacful and the business is healing
I am learning to Trust the process Im journeling again--a freind taught me to have a conversation with God in writing and it is comforting to het direction from the Source
Hope your parents will be OK It is very hard to see them sick especially when we are so vunerable at this time Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I wish that feeling of peace would last. Today I have an uneasy feeling and I'm not sure why. I have been having thoughts of contacting my H to ask about proceeding with the D but I'm still not quite there yet. Now I'm thinking of contacting our C to see what guidance he can give since I think he has been seeing my H. I know I need to keep living my life like he isn't coming back...the difficulty is leaving that door open even just a little.
One of things that my H said the last time I saw him keeps running through my head. He said he could file for the D and hope that he figures this out in time. I just shrugged my shoulders and didn't respond. This seems to be the way that my thinks anymore where he may go with something even though he isn't committed to it hoping he will figure it out before the deadline comes. The problem has been that he continues avoiding figuring it out. I remember a long time ago our C talked to us about people changing when there is something that motivates them to change. Seems pretty obvious I guess...Today I am wondering if my H has any motivation to change now that I am no longer a distraction to his issues. Doesn't matter I guess...I need to let it go.
Peace-I like your journal idea. I find writing very theapeutic...a lot of the reason why I come here. Maybe writing to God could give me a new perspective.
