Robx and Cutter are now my official role models. Had to come out of lurking to say that.
I have my own thread but after reading theirs I pretty much look and feel like a pantywaist. OTOH this is only my fist month in my stitch. Luckily I dont think there is an OP that I can find but I have my suspicions.
Either way, Robx and Cutter are my heros. They motivate me.
I hope Robx keeps posting. I am glued to his and Cutters thread and read them every morning and night (is that healthy?). Helps me do deal with my own problems although (thankfully) pale in comparisson to theirs AFAIK.
Robx's thread should be tagged as what to do after you get your nuttz back.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
Please do not call me a hero. I tried and failed to save my marriage. Saved a friends though. I am proud of that. And I am saving another friends marriage as well. Proud of that as well.
The only hero here is Michelle. The rest of us are just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl. Year after year.....
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
She came over tonight for a bit after I put the kids to bed.
She hasn't admitted anything, she looks very scared and she was crying quite a bit.
"No matter what i do from now on, it won't be good enough" "You're going to be angry with me" "You'll never forgive me" "I wasn't well before, I'm better now"
And then she mentioned that she's been going to personal counselling for her issues and she wants me to come there, I asked why, she said it would be easier to tell me things in that environment.
I just repeated the same things to her: - I won't live without honesty in my life, - I won't be with someone who lies and is deceitful and hides things from me - I won't be with her just because of the kids, my life is too valuable to waste in a loveless relationship - I am happy as is (and she knows it), joint custody works for me, I have no problems taking care of my kids and I could do this indefinitely
She talked about us, she mentioned that she wants her family back, she wants me back, she loves me, etc.
I told her that all those things are good things but I would only decide to be with her after she's been completely honest with me, regardless of how scary it is, I want to know what happened.
I told her that she doesn't have to tell me, she can keep her secrets but she has 0% chance of being with me if that's what she chooses. I also told her that I won't guarantee that I would decide to take her back even if she admits what she has done and with who, she can't expect to tell me everything and just expect that I forgive her for what she's done and take her back. I told her that I could learn to forgive her in time but that was my decision to do so and it was also my decision if I wanted to be with her or not. If she would only admit to me what she has done on the condition that I take her back that she was still attempting to control me. When she lied to me in the past, it was her controlling me, that's what happens when people lie to other people, they are attempting to control the other person's reaction - when you're honest with someone, it can be scary but you have no control of the outcome other than the fact that you were honest.
She cried for a bit, and I held her because she needed it, it was the kind of sobbing that makes a person's body tremble uncontrollably. (trust me, been there, done that) I'm not an ass, regardless of my decision in the end with her, I wouldn't let anyone regardless of what they did to me, disintegrate with that kind of emotion & fear in their body. She's holding on to alot of pain, anxiety, fear, etc.
She thanked me for listening before leaving our home, I told her to drive safe and to get some rest because she has an early morning shift at work tomorrow and that was that. She asked if we could talk again tomorrow, told her to call me tomorrow and I'd let her know if I was available in the evening or not.
I handled it well, I'm actually feeling really good about all of this, I wasn't an ass, I validated her feelings while we talked because I really did listen but I also made my stance clear on all of this and I feel good about that.
I've never seen anyone so sad & afraid to lose someone as i did tonight.
The floodgates on all of this will soon open, you can feel it (well I can feel it, my intuition has greatly increased over the past couple of years, I'm just really good at reading people), the words almost left her lips this evening about what she had done, you could tell in her breathing, the way she was talking, her body language, etc.
More to come soon, hope y'all are doing good! ;-)
Rob,
Sorry so late to the party here, but this needed to be put on record:
Cutter, I called you that because you kept your dignity, composure and pride as a man while going through hell. Most of us do not even come close to that yet. You are a roll model here whether you know it or not.
And Robx is a great example of what we should have done right from the start and that is why I agree with Puppy that Robx is also a good role model. That's how it's done! Great thread for newbies like me.
Dont underestimate how many people you help with your insights and experiences.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
He's in control, in fact so much control that he doesn't care what you do or say, he knows that you aren't going anywhere and when someone has that much power in a relationship, they will abuse their partners: mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically, financially, etc. etc. etc.
When people enjoy this much power in a relationship they will treat their spouses poorly. Luvless, you don't respect yourself enough and believe in your value enough and he takes you for granted.
Rob, You posted this on luvless's thread. I agree with what you are saying and understand how and why it happens. I have seen it here when there is a shift in power. Please take this in the spirit in which it is given but I see this in your relationship right now. You hold the power and control. No critique or advice just my observation.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Rob, I'm curious to see how things are today- I appreciate you stopping in on my thread, and I have followed your posts today in other threads, lots of good stuff, very APPLICABLE in every sitch.
He's in control, in fact so much control that he doesn't care what you do or say, he knows that you aren't going anywhere and when someone has that much power in a relationship, they will abuse their partners: mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically, financially, etc. etc. etc.
When people enjoy this much power in a relationship they will treat their spouses poorly. Luvless, you don't respect yourself enough and believe in your value enough and he takes you for granted.
Rob, You posted this on luvless's thread. I agree with what you are saying and understand how and why it happens. I have seen it here when there is a shift in power. Please take this in the spirit in which it is given but I see this in your relationship right now. You hold the power and control. No critique or advice just my observation.
Cheers
Sorry guys I missed all of this, I was replying to a few hot threads the other day and this thread of mine doesn't get alot of activity, by the time there's an update, it's buried under all of the other thread action.
Coach your points are valid, but I'm not abusive to my wife, I'm not using her, being cruel or mean to her, just indifferent and I think for the time being, it has to be this way and not for a short period of time. Throughout the bulk of our relationship she knew how much I deeply loved her, I was the guy that placed her on that pedestal and attributed so much value to her and so little value to myself. I can see in her phone calls that she tests to see if I want to add something else to the conversation or tell her my feelings or something to that effect, "is that it? is there anything else?" and I just reply "nope that's it, I'm busy right now, have to get back to work, talk to you later, bye..."
And she feels it, I'm pulling away and she continues to pursue and it was that way when it was the other way around, she pulled away and I pursued. I have to let her pursue, in fact she gets something out of this, reading alot of Gucci's posts, she wants to pursue, that's how it was during her affair, she pursued the other guy and he gave her very little time after he had gotten what he wanted.
I still haven't gone to her counselling session yet but I agreed to go. Work has been busy lately (actually it always is busy) and I have a week long trip coming up and she herself ended up picking up extra shifts to make more money and they are during odd hours so it's been difficult for her to continue going but she does mention how much she enjoys talking to a professional about her issues and I tell her it's a good thing and that I'm glad she's getting help. She asked if we could pencil in an appointment after I get back from my trip and I agreed, told her it might be a good thing because the counsellor may have tips on how to improve our communications when it comes to our kids, etc. and she keeps adding "it would also be good for us to, don't you agree, I know I miss talking to you about things", etc.
So coach I'm not being a prick to her, I'm just maintaining my distance and allowing her to pursue and she is pursuing, she calls often and frequently and most of the time apologizes for calling so much, sometimes the calls last a minute "I'm sorry for bothering you, just wanted to see how's work at your end".
She needs to pursue, she attributes more value to me when she pursues, and technically that's human nature: we attribute more value in things we invest more time, energy & effort in and she's doing that, I can see & feel that. With a WAW where you finally switch the dynamic around and stop pursuing and start moving on, that's what they need, they were pursuing the OM and you were pursuing her, you remove yourself as an option, you're too valuable for that nonsense, you let her go and that messes up the ideas they have in their head with how things should be going.
I know I'm on the right path, she asked to go with me when I was bringing the kids to sunday school. I was going to leave as I usually do (mass starts after sunday school so I usually grab a coffee and the paper and come back to get the kids and attend mass with them after school is done) and we stayed in the church basement where they serve coffee, sat down with some other parents who are also friends and enjoyed some conversation and she started talking about how hard it is to keep a marriage going but the effort is worth it and then she said that in our situation, she admits that she never made me a priority and that it's so important for spouses to be priorities in each other's lives, etc. Seriously these words would have never left her lips years ago, she wouldn't have cared. And then during her "speech" she mentioned that her friend who separated from her husband had recently reconciled with him and she was so happy for them, basically the conversation went like this for an hour where she was basically championing the cause of marital reconciliation, spouses should date, etc.
I'm on the right path, slow is fast in these situations and I will continue to focus on reality and what works. Maintain my distance, allow her to pursue and make effort and I see no reason to stop, I know it didn't work when I pursued her and she is genuinely happier doing this than I've seen in a long time.
FWIW I look and feel fantastic, the gym, the improved diet, the new clothes and just my attitude of being awesome is infectious with those around me at work or in my personal life, people who haven't seen me in a while come up to me and say "WOW Rob you look awesome!!!" because it's a 180 from the slob I used to be (I look and feel 10 years younger than I am, people are literally amazed) and I'm enjoying life right now quite a bit and ultimately isn't that life's best reward?
