I have read and been told that it is the one left behind, the one who wants to try, the one whom holds onto faith and hope are the ones who in time gain...... a wholeness that the one who gave up will never achieve.
Wholeness...that's something that manmy of us here are ready to feel again.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
My goals now are to minimize the damage to the children, be the best father I can be, and continue to move myself to a place where I am happy and content with myself.
And those are worthy goals...for many of us here. Thanks for posting them.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I don't know if you saw the update on my thread. My H and I have been physically separated since April of 2008 and legally separated since Nov. of 2009. He has been with OW since March of 2008.
For close to 2 years I heard from him that divorce was his only option and R's should not be work and blah blah blah.
Last week he sent me a message and he told me he is having terrible problems in his R with OW and he now realizes it was not all me. He actually told me he was very jealous of the time and effort I put in working on me. He said the same problems we had are now happening with his GF. In a nutshell he said that obviously divorce is not the answer to fix things and he sees that now. That being said he has decided to "stick it out" with OW as he knows he caused too much damage with me.
Considering I have not been in his life for two years and now he has the same problems in another R clearly the common denominator is him. It's too bad it took an affair, a very ugly divorce, 6 figures in legal fees and the destruction of our R for him to see that.
I agree, in most cases the LBS does gain a level of understanding that the WAS may or may not ever gain. IMO it is very difficult to really "work on you" when you are deeply invested in another sexual/intimate/romantic R and many WAS are involved in such a R.
My H also told me last week he is constantly surprised with the way I communicate with him now and he guess he doesn't know the new me.
I do take great solace in the fact (and yes, it is a fact) that if something this horrific had to happen at the end of the day I put in great effort to work on me and many, many things in my life have improved because of that effort.
You seem like such a lovely man. As trite as this sounds just keep working on you. Enjoy the b-day for your son!
GREAT post and thank you for the compliment. I think I'm a pretty good guy and father as well.
One of the issues I am having trouble with now is being able to talk to W. Problem is, I don't WANT to communicate with her and only do so when I HAVE to - kids or $. Yes, I'm still very hurt and angry at what she is doing and the WAY she has done it.
I have complete control of those emotions, but they are there. I know its natural to have no attraction to W given that she is not meeting any of my needs and is doing the opposite.
Is it wrong for me not to communicate with her? I just don't think that's possible right now. And I don't see that changing for a while, if at all. The hurt is just too deep and severe.
I can relate to the deep and severe hurt. I still experience it from time to time and it is mind blowing. I consider myself to be rather detached but I think, even two years later, I am really starting to understand that detachment does not equal never hurting again.
IMO it is perfectly acceptable to set communication boundaries with your W at this time. And really, the boundary is for your well being so you can have the necessary space to work on you, heal and regroup.
I have learned the VERY hard way that not dealing with the grief really is not the way to go. It was a terrible struggle for me that really took a toll on my physical and emotional health. I tried to push the grief aside for a LONG time and it resulted in terrible anxiety/panic attacks. However dealing with the grief was equally as hard but something I found to be necessary to get on the path of healing.
It is a balance and there is no formula that is 'right' or 'wrong'. I really do feel that is why forums such as this are such a tremendous resource.
My H also thought after some time passed he and I would be 'pals' and I do think it is has been rather earth shattering to him that a friendship at this time does not exist between us. In the message he sent last week he really expressed his shock that I am no longer there for him. He sent me a terribly mean message shortly after Thanksgiving filled with his displeasure that I did not text him and wish him a happy holiday. He went on and on about how hurt HIS feelings were.
I am sure it is difficult to have your in-laws around but I think you are doing great!
I am trying to process and deal with the grief. I don't want to suppress or fight it, other than to keep it from controlling me. I'm handling it.
I, Too, think these forums are great. Good to vent and get some advice and help. Don't feel quite so lonely knowing you guys are here.
I'm sure my in-laws are not comfortable being around me. Has to be awkward since they are the ones who gave W the $ to retain her L. That part still bothers me but I'm getting better with it.
Isn't it weird how WAW's think that a LBH would want to continue to be buddies?
Just wanted to stick my head in to let you know I still care.
Sandi
Thanks Sandi. ALWAYS great to hear from you.
I tend to think the "we will be friends" thing is a mechanism teh WAS uses to try to relieve their guilt/conflict related to their decision to walk away. And I think when they get angry when the LBS doesn't want to be friends, their anger isn't really about losing a friend. Rather, their anger is from the LBS's refusal to be friends then forcing them to face their guilt/conflict rather than give them a free pass to avoid it.
