Dusk at Dawn.

[Wholeagain]

((()))

[avermont]

Oh, Cutter, I am sorry it hurt so much.

I guess in some ways it would be better if she had been a total b**h, right?

But you held your integrity. You were the perfect CB that you are.

I spent a lot of time yesterday wondering how it would go. I appreciate your posting it here.

The papers are signed. Take a breath over that. Proceed on, one step at a time.

You have another date tonight, right? This time with the dark blue shirt, untucked, sleeves casually rolled? Keene shoes are definitely great. I still vote for the day's worth of scruff. But NO baseball cap, glad you are with me on that!

I have a date tonight, too, with the "nice guy, no worries guy." We will finally see AVATAR.

One of my goals is to go back to my Match.com profile and get it going again. I need to get out and flirt and have fun. Moving on, right?

Love and peace and great night out to you, CB!

[g450]

Cutter I can relate to your confusion as well.

Just when you are feeling strong you see her or hear her and you turn to mush and miss her even more. Im the same way.

And like you I am trying to stay grey or dark. On the bright side we are 10 days from final divorce and she now wants to spend time with me. Its strange that she talks to me more now that we are separated than when she was living here. Not sure why but I just cant say no to her at this point. More me wanting to guage things than being weak though.

I did wear a baseball cap yesterday and a two day scruff so that may have been my charm LOL.

Ironically she wants to see AVATAR as well. But Ill wait for her to ask me to see it with me. Ball is completely in her court now. Anyway sorry for the hijack.

You dont know me but I am glued to your thread Cutter. Its ironic how pain can bring strangers together like nothing else.

Take care and be the strong gentleman that you appear to be.

[P17]

Cutter, Im away just now but was wanting to catch up on ypur thread as this via a mobile phone.

You did good. Very good. I know she signed the papers but she realistically didnt have a choice at this point.

I still stick to what I said. This aint over for ypu two by a long chalk. She will be back.

You gave her lots of food for thought. She saw a guy she had a history with. A guy who loves himself. A guy who is confident. A guy who is strong and a guy she can still have a family with.

YOU DID GOOD. Now keep on the DBing horse.

[mindfull]

Cutter -

You gave her something to think about. Enough said.

[jasper67]

Cutter I agree- I too was very anxious for you over the weekend, my comp is out of commission for a bit. You did great!! And like we spoke of earlier, it's def OK to cry. It doesn not mean you are wrong or weak or what have you. You know how you feel and you are OK w/ it.

I've had the same experiences in my sitch- it's always easier when they are cold and b*&*hy. I agree w/ the other posts, you gave her a lot to take home w/ her. And it's not over till its over.

Are you at all upset that you didn't have the talk about OM? I see it as a poss good thing, as the date didn't suffer any hick-ups. I'm sure we've all had that interaction- where everything was going so well and we opened our mouth.

Curious to hear your thoughts today.

[chatterbug]

Maynard. You ask some very good questions my friend. Another proof that your starting to rebuild yourself. Soon enough you will believe it yourself.

I am glad we did not mention the OM. As truthfully it would have derailed the signing of those papers. I walked away with everything I asked for.

I remember when we signed them. I sat there for a few minutes and just talked about tea's and how was the meal and then mentioned that I drank way too much tea and I excused myself to the washroom. I was losing the mask. Becoming emotional. So I got up walked to the bathroom and I stood there facing the mirror and I just smiled. I said. to myself. Well cutter. A goal was met. A very important goal. remember that. remember that the woman in front of you is a shell. It looks like ladybug, sounds like ladybug. But it is not ladybug. This is a woman who has no respect for you nor your marriage. This is a woman who tossed you out of her life without any concern for how this affects your well being. This is a woman who did not care at all how this affects everyone else who is attached to us. This is a woman who broke my dad's heart and did not even have the common decency to say good bye. This is a woman who is sleeping with another man. The reason she is happy today is because her affair is in a better place in her mind than it was on Sunday. Believe this.
And I breathed deeply over and over. I smiled at myself and walked back to the table and then ladybug picked up the tab and we walked to our cars. And that is when the emotions all came out. I drove away crying and did not look in the rear-view mirror. I looked forward.

I am glad now that we kept it to safe topics.

I have thought about all this again. Now I am separated. Which where I live is the same as D.

I weighted the following items this weekend.

I am proud of how I acted. I kept my vows and morals to the end. I did not stoop to ladybugs level.
I remained civil and nice and showed grace.
I stated my goals clearly to ladybug many months ago. It is not my issue that she did not listen.
I secured myself financially against ladybug.
I came out of a depression with goals to achieve in the second half of my life.

VS.

A woman who has no respect for my wellbeing.
A woman who has no respect for vows and morals.
A woman who has no respect for families and children.
A woman who has decided to become what she is today, someone who values crumbs over substance.
A woman who abandoned me so easy during my first crisis I ever experienced in my life.


And I thought.

Here is a woman I can walk away from now. I sat there Friday night and I realized that I still love this woman deeply. But it is a love of what was, not what is. If that makes sense? I have no bitterness. Just disappointment. And I tired to save the marriage. But I could not. But I realized ( via this site and my own thoughts )that it takes two people to make a marriage happen. And that is not happening. Nor do I see it happening.

My next goals are to sell the house. Figure out what I want to do the second half of my life. Right now its computers. I wish to change that. So I am going to move away from that.

I do not think I can stop with my giving attitude. So I think I am going to look towards moving in to some providing profession. I am truly at a crossroads in my life. Its exciting. I no longer fear this.

From all this. Look at what I have gained.

I gained the ability to understand about boundaries.
I gained the ability to understand about my needs and wants again.
I gained the ability to understand that I want to better myself instead of going with the flow.
I have met some of the most beautiful , strong , and real people. People who I have not met face to face, but I proudly call them my friends. People who I will meet one day down the road and I will be able to look them in the eye and smile and say what an honour it is to stand before you friend.
I gained the ability to cry

I share a unique hurt that only us who have been cheated on truly understand. I know as the years go by and someone says to me that they have been cheated on, I can look them in the eye and state. I understand.

And in a strange way. I thank Ladybug for waking me up.

This is where I am standing today.

[chatterbug]

Also Maynard. To help process these thoughts. I did the following that weekend.

I talked to Gnosis on the phone.
I talked to Mindfull and DaybyDay in chat.

Next day. I talked to people in the real world
I talked to a good friend of the marriage ( Lunch )
I met up with good friends of the marriage for a pint that night and talked freely with them on my feelings of the signing.

Many people with their own opinions and s%*t they have to deal with. Physical and virtual. I feel that balance is needed. Both are needed during these times.

And I pounded the pavement for a good 90 minutes as well to talk to myself.

[chatterbug]

Cutter, it is still good. You signed the papers BUT left a very good impression and very good memory/association with you.

You signed the papers. Now you can be "free" to fully detach. You will date, live life, etc. She is still in the same place with OM...her relationship will crumble. You will have moved on...she will regret and reminisce. She will contact you. Who knows where you will be/what you want?

Closure has happened.

You are very smart newmama.

Thankyou

[chatterbug]

The date went well next day. Had to go back to that same place again. I was there for 2 hours again. But the conversation that night was about changing careers while keeping a full time job going. Crossroads in life. Culture and bettering one's mind. A very enjoyable evening. Then the date ended at 9ish and I was off to meet up with friends. Very surreal weekend. And here I am Monday. I survived the weekend. I have a whole new week to look forward towards.