Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[june72]

Of course she is


Well, it will cause striff b/t them. A baby never makes a relationship easier- that is for sure. Maybe she will wonder if she wants to really be a step-mom. Who knows, maybe she is just waiting for her hubby to get out off jail and your hubby is a filer for the mean time.
People like her are not the best in the ethics and kindness department.

Are you getting IC? Have you thought why you would want him back at this point? He is separating you from your baby! How can you handle that! (I know you have no choice!) I think I would have a heart attack with worry.

I guess I am being a little nosy here.

[newmama]

June, please dont think you are being too nosy! Even the criticism and tough questions are good for me!

Actually, OW's exH has been out of jail for a long time. She divorced him around Christmas of 08. Guess who helped support her during her divorce?

Yes I do wonder about taking him back at this point. But I believe he is still in there somewhere and I believe he believes that he married me for the wrong reasons and he thought she is a better match. So he is selfishly trying to see if he was right. Haha, surely he is questioning his reasoning about now. Her true colors have got to be showing after 10 months!


I want to explain more but will in a little bit...

[newmama]

OK so the other thing is that because we have been seeing one another still as co-parents, it hasn't been out of sight out of mind. So I haven't been able to detach. And we haven't turned into strangers.

In the weird situation he has never shoved OW in my face, has never threatened me with money issues, has consistently been a part of S's life, has helped with the house...My point is that if he had been a big bad bully and/or cruel, I would feel differently. But like I said I know he is in there still.

Last, I have said it before but I'll say it again. Aside from being a poor housekeeper, I know I took him for granted. I was not experienced with relationships and how to maintain them. However, I think if we had talked about our feelings and needs, I would have improved. But we didn't. SO my point is that I wasn't the best wife I could have been and there were times I chose to spend time with my friends instead of him or I chose to just get a card to celebrate our anniversary instead of planning a romantic event. Don't know why. Anyway, no one is perfect. Not to make light of the affair it's just that I made mistakes too.

And last...it all depends IF he wants to reconcile, it will depend on if he is willing to do it the way I need him to...I really need to see that he wants to "fight" for our relationship and he would show this by willingly handing over access to everything, going to counseling, explaining what the hell he was thinking, and apply for a transfer to a different building than OW. I mean I just want to see what happens next, and if he can't do it then so be it....divorce.

[june72]

Last, I have said it before but I'll say it again. Aside from being a poor housekeeper, I know I took him for granted. I was not experienced with relationships and how to maintain them. However, I think if we had talked about our feelings and needs, I would have improved. But we didn't. SO my point is that I wasn't the best wife I could have been and there were times I chose to spend time with my friends instead of him or I chose to just get a card to celebrate our anniversary instead of planning a romantic event. Don't know why. Anyway, no one is perfect. Not to make light of the affair it's just that I made mistakes too.

Fine, you own that part.... but this would never in a million years even in a tiny way justify his affair. That is all on him. If he was dissatisfied he could:
1. Spoke to you about it
2. Gone to counseling
3. Outright D'ed you from the start

So while he may take out the trash and help you still around the house- it does not make him an upstating guy. It only serves his selfish purpose of having more contact with his son or alleviating guilt. It's not about him being nice to you- it's about him trying to sweep away his guilt and have more access to son.

I'm sorry- I think it is painful to hear it but it's what I believe.

In some weird, obtuse way- he is disrespecting you and using you. Just my thoughts. I always like to add the disclaimer that I could be wrong.


Do people at his work know that he left his wife and baby for her??

[newmama]

In some weird, obtuse way- he is disrespecting you and using you.

Disrespecting, yes, using me? I don't see how?

But the fact is this is my choice to prefer limbo over divorce. They say NC is the "last resort technique" but I would need to modify it so I would be the one to leave the house. Before I couldn't figure out where I could go and now I see I could just take another class! He is here 5 days/week and takes S one day per week. He spends his day off from work here, too, which has puzzled me because
1)OW also gets a day off
2)WH can choose his day off-so why not make it the same as hers and spend it with her?

On his day off, he is here 7:30-3:30 so I have the hardest time filling up my day with things to do not at home. I have been taking S to a sign class that starts at 2:15 so it cuts his visit short! Oh and his day off is Tues OR Wed...


I don't know if his work knows. I never wanted to expose it at work because I just saw that as 1) too low for me to go
2)would be burning all bridges for reconciliation
3)It would not have ended their relationship--nothing against HR policy to date others at work

However, it is highly unlikely that OW has kept it a secret this whole time!

I think his work may know we are separated.

[WhatNow]

newmama...You are doing a great job. Of course he is disrespecting you! He is having an affair! But you see the bigger picture. You are making the marriage an attractive place to be, and he will reach a point where he won't be able to come up with any more justifications.

Meanwhile you are maintaining your dignity, growing, and finding fulfillment away from him. These are all good things. You are watching carefully the effect of your actions, and will reach a point when NC will be the obvious next step. When you get there, you will know and we will help you figure out how to do that. I don't think you are there yet.

I find your DBing inspiring.

[newmama]

Thanks Whatnow...I know A of S is not a DB technique but it is my "something different" for now. And I do know I have room to grow! You are right...I will get to the point when I am ready for NC. I'm still proud of myself for staying away more than I was.

You know, my therapist back in the spring suggested I try to compete with OW! At the time I was 7 months pregnant so we both knew that was out of the question then. But now it seems like that is what I'm doing!At least using the silly seduction techniques in addition to the domestic duties makes it more fun!

[WhatNow]

I see the AoS stuff as fun. The ideas are not so far off from DBing, not really. And it is a growth area....why not practice on H, so your ready if he does end up shoving you back on the market! I am enjoying reading it, but for now I am glad to be dark...we had too much chaos....I could not maintain my composure as well as you! That requires extraordinary strength.

[WhatNow]

ooops...meant to comment on the competition thing. OW is competing with YOU. She is only one tiny piece of his pie. You and sweetbaby have the rest. Have you read "Why we Love" by Helen Fisher? It isn't about affairs, but rather describes What happens to the brain in love, attachment, etc. Daniel Amen has also written about this. In love feelings may feel stronger but attachment is much deeper and stronger. If we wait while that "in love" feeling wears off, his attachment to OW will pale in comparison. Don't worry about competing. That work is already completed!

[newmama]

In love feelings may feel stronger but attachment is much deeper and stronger.

So this explains why I am also still attached to HIM!
I thought I remember Helen Fisher saying that our "in love" chemicals go away after 2-4 years because evolution wise, men stayed with women 4 years; until the kids could start to "take care of themselves." Then the men would leave to go impregnate another woman and "spread their seed (DNA)" LOL!

I think men have come along way since then! :-)