Kalni...the only positive thing that I have to say is that you have now found a stage on which the two of you can openly express what is on your mind. No matter how many people preach to you here...about love and patience and hope etc...there is nothing you can do if the other spouse is unwilling to do the work and change.
After being here for so long, I have seen some miracles. Sadly, they are very few, very spaced apart and so very rare. I am not sure why so many people preach for some of us to stay in unhealthy relationships at ALL costs...at the expense of the children and your own health. Unless one is purely a religious stander, some marriages are just not meant to be saved.
So, at the risk of all reading this, I say to YOU, Maria, that time is still on your side. You have now started counseling. Your H is opening up a bit. However, without his willingness to do the work and WORK HARD to piece, you can only work on your OWN attitudes and actions. Perhaps, then, your MC can see things you can't in this department and you can embark on new change if you agree.
Every marriage is worth fighting for Maria. Sadly, even Michelle of DB will say that not all marriages should be saved.
Take your time. Only YOU will know. Praying for you as well.
Sagapo.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Sorry I missed all of this today. The perils of being off work on a weekday. I end up cleaning and working my butt of all day and not reading here. or is that
When is your next MC session?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I have been reading along. Your MC sounds as though she knows what is what and it will be interesting where she may take you as a couple.
Piecing is a two person thing as you can obviously see. If your H won't participate then that will be his loss. I am pleased to see how strong you are and I hope the MC re-enforces your decisions - whichever way they go. No-one can say you haven't tried.
Like June, I was pleased when my parents split - I couldn't stand the tension and arguing. My father expected my mother to live exactly as HE wanted - there was no OP involved but he was one controlling SOB with a huge drinking problem. I respect my mother enormously for how she brought my sister and I up; she saved us by walking away from her M. Some marriages are toxic. Like you she gave it a good go, and then she called it a day. I believe happy parents raise happy children -whether they be together or separated. I believe in M, it's why I fought so hard to save my own; but not at the expense of everything.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I dont know why exactly I am picturing such a dark side of what is happening but maybe my posts reflect my true take on things...
I just confirmed with H he wants to go to the MC again and I called to make an apt. She told me the following on the phone : Maria, you need to do separate IC, both of you. You were both cordial, polite and caring at our session but I want you to make me a favor: stop RESCUING him. I dont know where this patterns comes from, probably his family as he said himself, but your H hasnt grown up yet. He needs you for his security blanket, the OW was probably just like you and was doing what you were doing for years:rescuing him. He finally needs to man up. He just cant let things evolve in his absence anymore. His work allows him just that, to be absent.
So, stop scheduling our apts, stop giving him solutions when you are here at the session and focus on you. Unless he grows up, your R can not blossom, develop, overcome the crisis.
I told her,I am tired of rescuing him.She said he was probably covering my controlling needs and now that I dont want to control him anymore (not as much) there is a gap bewteen us that he needs to fill.
I think this is it. I've been saying it for years, she said it after a session. I will stop rescuing him and take initiatives while I will progress with my life. I will also adress these issues at the session on Friday.
As Schnarch says, during crisis, couples, make steps forward/progress or if the deny to...,stay unhappy and eventually have a fall out. K
BTW, my kids enjoy a very peaceful phase right now. They see their dad in bed in the morning and he spends time with them 3-4 days per week after school, picking them up, having lunch together etc etc, calls them at night and they both feel happy. You can tell they are reserved about what is going to happen, but they dont see us fighting or me crying or anything similar.
I know my son picks up on my moods but that is something I am working on and dont know if I should fool him or not. Presently I prefer to be honest. So, we ar enot a case where the kids are harmed by our interactions. If you guys saw us, you would be convinced we are well on the road to...paradise K
My parents split when I was 17. I had such relief when that happened. I felt a new peace. He was verbally abusive to my mom. I didn't see my dad for almost 7 years after that and he never tried to contact me. He missed my college and medical school graduations, all my sporting events, etc. Watching the movie Field of Dreams is still difficult to this day. Thank G-d my mom filed for D.
Then, it was MY choice to seek him out and try to re-establish some sort of relationship. I was in med school and my sis told me that he looked sick. When he passed from lung cancer in '95, I had been able to find closure. I am still proud of him for his World War II courage and heroism and, yes, at times, I miss him despite some horrible stuff that went on in our family.
Although I am not 'encouraging' divorce per se Kalni, I am saying that you deserve to be happy. "Staying together for the sake of the children" is not always the best choice. The bottom line, again, is that no one is saying that a marriage can't be saved, but, you DO need to committed people two make it work.
Yiassou
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Those are such hard stories. Alcoholism definitely has widespread consequences. Those are definitely cases of abuse where everyone including MWD would agree that the abuser needed serious help and the others needed to get away.
The way I view it though, Kalni's H is most definitely guilty of emotional neglect. But I do not see that as abuse (I would if he were consciously and intentionally doing it to get his way). So, I am curious why a few people seem to see the M as detrimental and are so adamant that he will never change.
Sorry for the hijack. (((Kalni)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I agree Michelle. And despite of what I come here to vent for the last...2 years, exactly 2 years 6 days go (!!!!!), H is not a "bad" man. His A wasnt like him. I have to admit that. I think that is the reason it hit me so bad (one of the reasons).
He called and said he is coming home early today. He has his heart test tomorrow. I was thinking of taking the day off and joining him but I am not sure I want to do it now. K
or is that 
