We are going to MC today and I am going to talk to C about suspending MC for a while while wife works on IC.
I am tired of this crap and let her know that on Monday morning.
I think my setting the boundary and her breaking it is the last straw.
She knows now that if she hits me again she will have her a$$ setting in jail.
She will lose her job if she is jailed for an assault as she works for a school district. She will not be able to support herself (as if she could now).
I do not care about any of that and she was told and believes that. Her job is needed for insurance for C but I can manage other ways if she pulls this crap again.
I feel that IC for her is very important so that her abusive trend does not continue with the boys.
I hate myself for giving in to her and sleeping with her. I want her and that is well known but I have had enough being used.
Puppy,
A man can only take so much being hit and being told hateful things before he says enough.
ENOUGH
Thank you.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
I might mention that I and others have noticed that my W acts like two totally different people.
At times she is a responsible adult, good mother, and loving wife.
Other times she is selfish, hateful, neglectful mother, and just generally acting the same as she did when she was 14.
I have heard that when a person is abused or sexually assaulted that part of their brain stops developing and stays at that date.
Could this be true?
She was sodomized at 14 and when she is acting as if she is 14 she uses a combination of slang from when we were 14 and slang my s12 and his friends use. She dresses and carries herself as if she was 14 or so. She also formulates thoughts and sentences in the manner of a kid. This confuses me.
One day complete childish behavior and the next she is a responsible adult.
It is like I am dealing with a slight split personality. Has anyone else had to deal with this?
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
All WASs act childish. That is certainly not unique. They all have mood swings, they all go back and forth between kindness and spew depending on the day.
Your W is NOT unique. I am not trying to minimize what happened to your W, but you will almost NEVER find a WAS who had a normal well-adjusted childhood and is not suffering from depression when they decide to have an A or ask for D. That would be a special case.
She doesn't KNOW anything about your boundary cuz you didn't follow through. You blew the cop off and let her get away with it. Your ACTIONS told her you won't go through with it. You blew the boundary setting.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
And I know that I should not have went to bed with her, but I love her so much that when she is acting loving towards me, I cannot resist her. I am weak in that regard I know. My main love language is touch and I still crave touch from her in anyway that I can get it. I am not using her for sex but she may be using me.
Gee, ya THINK?? Congratulations -- you've been "tagged."
Until you learn to STOP doing what you KNOW is the wrong thing to do, you will get nowhere. DBing isn't complicated, but it DOES take an incredible amount of self-discipline.
Puppy
Puppy we need your help in MB 28's thread now, 5 alarm fire going on!
You are asking things that only a doctor could determine. I do believe your W has serious problems that stem from her past. I do not know that you have what it takes to endure the length of time her therapy may require.
You say she acts like a spit personality and when you see the warm side of her that is when you melt. You've proven that more than once, and that is why you are not showing the strength in a man that this woman needs. Yes, she has a lot of problems, but you are responding such as irresponsible to her actions as she is in hers. In your mind, you are doing the best you can, but what I'm saying is that this is a tragedy waiting to happen.
Just like her grabbing those pills when you were making that call. If the two of you keep going like this, she is going to act out on one of her dramas and nobody will be there to rescue her in time. She is desparately trying to have control in a life she feels is worthless and has gone haywire. But, everything she does goes south b/c she doesn't have the proper skills, apparently, and things keep getting worse by the day.
I know you want to help her, but I think you need to back away and stay away from her and let the doctors help her. Of course, you've been told to leave her alone....to back away....to detach, but you have not done that. You act as co-dependent on her as she is on you. That is why I think you need to be in IC, also. But, you need to work on your problems and let her work on hers and the two of you leave each other alone. Some day.....far, far away, maybe the two of you will be healthy enough to come together. BTW, have you checked the degrees of this C? B/c if this is some C off the street, I assure you that more damage can be done in a short time, and your W can't afford for that to happen. She needs "real" professional help.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You act as co-dependent on her as she is on you. That is why I think you need to be in IC, also. But, you need to work on your problems and let her work on hers and the two of you leave each other alone. Some day.....far, far away, maybe the two of you will be healthy enough to come together.
EXACTLY
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I do crave her touch but when it turned abusive again I have decided enough. I am backing away this time. I cannot take her hitting me any more.
Our C has been in this business for 26 years is a liscensed Marriage and family therapist. C has a MS, LCMFT, NCC, AAMFT. C also is a certified trainer for AAMFT. She is a DB follower and is also a follower of the 5 LL.
I know my wife needs pro help and she is excited to be getting it.
I am willing to wait while she is in IC and I know that this can take many months or longer to work out.
I have been GAL'ing with old friends that I have not talked to in years. I am to visit another one tomorrow.
I am in IC with a local pastor about my controlling issues and have seen lots of improvement in myself and my attitude.
I no longer worry about what she is doing and with whom. I understand that I cannot control her actions and do not want to.
This is all a 180 for me. I just need to work on that melting thing, because she can play me that way.
I have a few women that are very interested in seeing me, but to this point I have turned them all down. I had been waiting on wife and only going out as a group with my friends.
Lately I have been considering taking up some of the offers but I still want to remain faithful to my W.
I know we are S and that I do not have to remain faithful but I take that vow seriously.
The problem is she knows this and can use my need for touch to play me.
Should I start dating while we are both in IC? Would that help create a crisis for her or would it push her farther away?
My PMA is pretty good when I am out with friends and talking to friends. It is only poor when alone or after W and I have a argument.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
Dating shows that you are moving on. That you are done fighting for the M. It is appropriate when you are done.
Furthermore, it complicates things. What would you do if you do meet someone, it starts to get serious, and then your W want to R? Dump the new girl? Is that fair to her? Is that fair to you?
Go out with your friends. Enjoy the time alone and with friends. Spend time with your kids, and enjoy it. Help with their homework, play with them.
Let your W deal with her issues.
Keep working on yours.
GIVE IT TIME. Nothing will get fixed overnight or even this month.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
