OP-I think my will listen to the C however, I think he is looking for a breakthrough of some kind. Not sure if he will get there or not...in the meantime, he says he no interest in ADs unfortunately.
peace-I can't tell you how much this all tears at my soul. It still hurts to know my H loves me but still chooses to stay away. I sometimes have difficulty getting my mind around why things are the way they are. In time maybe we could be friends but would be far too painful right now. I wish your situation had not been the nightmare it has been but, at least be grateful that your H made it easier for you to move on in some ways. Either way, it is all painful.
snodderly-I, too, hope and pray that my H is willing to do the work to get back on track. Only time will tell. I have not heard from him since our talk. My H has told me numerous times that you can't depend on anyone else for your happiness. I believe that is part of the reason he is staying away now. He needs to figure this out on his own now. I was feeling better about things yesterday but today I am hurting again for some reason. I wish this feeling would go away. It is just hard to understand why someone who loves you and wants to be with you still chooses to stay away.
I think that part of why you feel the way you do right now is that you were hoping he will continue the contact. They don't. They come out, talk rationally, think out loud in a rational tone and then disappear again for a while. That's why it is a very difficult time for those who have spouses or even ex-spouses that come out for a bit and actually talk some sense. It's a moment of clarity and then they go under once again. This will most likely be the way he is until he completes the "sorting out of self". You will need to keep your expectations at zero and continue moving forward. He will pop out again very soon. Right now, he's got a lot of pondering to do as well as soul searching.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
snodderly- You are right that there was a part of me that was hoping that my H would continue contact. That is what would make sense to me (there I go being rational again ). If he really meant what he said the other night, it seems like he would make an effort to at least talk to me. It makes me feel like what he said wasn't the truth.
Originally Posted By: snodderly
They come out, talk rationally, think out loud in a rational tone and then disappear again for a while. That's why it is a very difficult time for those who have spouses or even ex-spouses that come out for a bit and actually talk some sense. It's a moment of clarity and then they go under once again.
I just want to understand why. It seems like if they get it, that should be it...not get it and then run away again. I wish I knew what is it that makes them stop running and finally sort themselves out?
I believe I am doing the right thing by not letting the relationship continue the way it was. I was helping my H prolong this crisis since he was able to live in both worlds. So if I know I am doing the right thing, why is it still so difficult? I wish I was stronger and able to move forward without it hurting like he11.
First thanks for your kind words on my thread. I am reading your sich and trying to learn from you as I go along. This is new territory for me as far as my W is concerned.
I think the only way to answer your question is to realize that the depression is still talking. I don't know whether it is hormones, or depression or what scientifically is keeping them in the tunnel but they have to resolve it before they are done. I know that until they are fully cooked they aren't ready to come out of the oven.
I certainly understand how it hurts and I wish I could give you some words of wisdom how to make it stop. Other than the basics(db'ing) it is certainly very difficult.
Try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and have a great week.
I think part of the reason they run back in the tunnel is that they can begin to see the damage that has been done and maybe they aren't ready to face it yet and pick up the pieces. It really can't be easy.
Still no word from my H even though when he left the other night, he asked if he could call. He is still avoiding.
Last week my H said he was going to call our C and get into to see him right away, I told him he could just take our regularly scheduled appointment which is tomorrow night. He said he would take the appointment. I called the C to let him know my H will be coming, not me. I am have been debating whether or not I should contact my H to see if he still plans on going but I have to let it go. If he doesn't show, that will tell me that he still isn't ready to address his issues...and if he isn't, that just confirms the necessity for me to move forward without him.
OP-I am sure it is the depression that keeps him away but I am so tired of the reasons and excuses. I have always asked my H to fight for us and he has never really been able to. If he knows he is depressed then I would think he would want to work on that. Maybe I just don't understand depression well enough.
tf-I thought I had done so much damage control over the last 3 years that there wasn't that much damage for my H to face...but I am not him and you are right, it can't be easy.
forward-I thought my H was getting pretty close to being fully baked. I guess he was just browning on the edges and still undercooked on the inside.
Checking in on you Upside. If your h is truly depressed that is a beast that is difficult to tackle. I do believe that is what prevented my h and I from moving forward. You say he should want to work on that, well when they are depressed getting through the day sometimes is a challenge. I know my h would say many times, not coming today Glam and then I am sure he just sat and stared at the walls or slept. Avoidance!
I wouldn't have contacted your h, but now that you have opened the door, let him come around. Don't chase him in regards to C let him decide if he wants to go. He has many issues that need to be resolved before he is ready to come home.
I think Upside you will know when he is fully baked. It will need to come from him that he decides to come home, not you!
I truly hope you find peace and contentment with your situation. It's not easy sitting and waiting and wondering when and if they are going to return. Don't dwell on it, live for today, it's all we really have.
Glam
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Maybe I just don't understand depression well enough.
IMHO yes. Since it is not rationale it is hard to make sense of it. Like Jack says you can't out crazy a crazy person. You H sich is near complete. Will it ever be done? No one knows for sure. All of the information tells you this. Is it fair? No. But it is what it is.
Hi glam-Thanks for your thoughts. I have no intentions of chasing my H. My life is busy with kids, work, family and friends. I am very blessed in many ways and I am trying to focus on that. As I am sure you know, it can be so scary when you are at that fork in the road trying to figure out which path to take. I feel like if I start to take the path without my H on it, he pulls me back and I've made no progress.
OP-Good question, will it ever be done? If my H figures himself out in time and wants to come back, will he be happy again? I don't really want him back if he can't be some degree of normal, happy and committed to our M.
I got a few texts from my H today. He asked about the C appointment tonight and said he was stressed out and unable to sleep well because of work. I told him the C was expecting him and I was sorry that thing weren't going well. He asked how I was and I told him I was fine and keeping busy. He told me is going to his XSIL's funeral (out of state) this weekend. He said "I miss you". I told him that I am sure your D will appreciate you being at the funeral. I told him that I miss him too and that I hope he has a safe trip.
). If he really meant what he said the other night, it seems like he would make an effort to at least talk to me. It makes me feel like what he said wasn't the truth.