Hey K just wanted to let you that I am still keeping up with you. I can't think of any advice at the moment as my head is trying to grasp all of what you are writing.
These have been his choices, his mistakes. Why are you the one making plans. Empower him and let him work it out.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I've grown too much to let it go wasted now. And although it feels like I am too close to having a relationship with my H again and maybe risking that,I will be VERY disapointed in myself if I stay in a R that I know is not what I deserve and need.
So, I am no longer willing to accept how rarely we talk and spend time toegther. But I will no longer be nagging or/and crying or/and criticising him and try to get him to understand how I want things to be or how HE should act. I will stop pushing him to give me what I need but that will not mean I accept what I get.
For myself, I dont want to be pathetically graceful for the rare limited time he spends talking to me or the little time he makes for me (and the kids) or the good intentions to restore our intimacy/connection that lack actions and dedication. I will interpret what he does from now on as an indication to what he decides about how he REALLY wants to live his life and live his marriage. And I will make a decision about mine accordingly.
The last couple of weeks I hit a low exactly because I realised I was putting myself into a position to decide to take that leap of faith forward, accepting the possible consequences or step back and follow H's model of Relationships (not just with me) which allows him to feel comfortable but I doubt he feels content in. My first response was to adapt and believe I am crazy to risk that, that I should let time pass and hope for the best. The easy way, the way that I dealt with things in the past.
But, in the past I had no idea how complex things can be and become between 2 people that love each other and had absolutely no idea that the patterns we adapt to just cope, and not deal and not confront ourselves, can cause such a great damage.
We are the living example of how things develop and how little stability and "safety" we really had, power to stand against adversities and difficulties and how fragile our "roots" were. All it took was loosing a babysitter which minimised our time together and the naivity to believe things would improve in the future without our involvement.
By nature, I am a fighter. I cant rest till I read and do all I can when faced with troubles. It's my personal coping mechanism. Only this time, I didnt realise I had no knowledge of what was happening and when I did sense we were drifting apart I was no longer in the position to control myself and even worse, admit it was so and deal with it. I chose the easy way out.
I dont know what will happen with my H. I am excited that I am again faced with a choice that can not be "neglected" or postponed. I know that in our lives, he was trained to have little tolerance to growth and change and the associated pain and I was taught to go to the extremes WITHOUT knowing why and without identifying the underlying issues. Without pacing myself. We both need to go thru this, but I am not willing to delay my growth anymore or even worse, "reverse it". Not because it is easier. Because in the end, it isnt.
My H taught me the hard way we are not one. He taught me we are "seperated" and make our own different choices. HE showed me what it feels like to pursue what you feel is right WITHOUT dealing with what is really wrong and consequently let me see with my own eyes that when you act in a way for the wrong reasons or before you even realise your reasons, you regret your choices. But by doing that, we both learnt valuable lessons. And I am not going to throw all these lessons away because of fear "screwing this up" because I dont WANT/LIKE the destination this is heading.
I am forced by myself to make a stand. I am forced to make it clear. And I am forced to accept his choices.
My anxiety has dropped to zero and frankly I am no longer that angry with him. I could spend years trying to make him see and I could easily fall back in the same fruitless versions of a "non intimate" relationship. But now I KNOW that is NOT what I want. How could I possibly ignore that, after all that has happened, after everything I have read, heard, learnt, lived. I would be getting what I deserve. And I value myself more.
This is no announcement of an ultimatum, as DS says, ultimatums only bind the person that gives them. This is a little flashing green light that says I am back on track again, and I swear, it feels great to know where I am going! K
Great to see you back on track again. Don't get discouraged if you find yourself off track again (it's happened to me often). When that happens just remember to get yourself right back on track again.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
The MC lasted 2,5 hours instead of 50 minutes. I dont know if she is good but she is one of those that want the Ms to help. SO that least is in favour of our sitch.
I did state everything I wanted. He admitted he is AFRAID of me, of my anger AND grief. He said he cant handle it and prefers to stay out of my way just to maintain "peace". Tension and gridlocks and dead ends and issues coming out from everywhere. She said we both need IC. Me for my anger, H to deal with his problem of handling any kind of emotions and connection and not being able to take action.
I first heard that for him a big issue was that in 2005 I expressed I was tired of the kids and my life and wanted some kind of break (not from him, from my life). Back then it took him one paragraph email and one discussion to "calm me" down. So, I guess, I did what all LBSs say the wish their WAss had done, expressed my stress and allowed him to help me. For me that was a non issue, I dont even consider it a crisis. For him...well, it seems it made an impact on him.
I dont know if it was good or bad. I do know that the second hour he was ACTUALLY talking. Which is BIG. I was crying on and off. Especially when he was stating all the reasons he thinks we are worth the effort and all the reasons that we drfited apart. I was astonished. It was like listening to me 3 years ago. Every single phrase was identical to mine. He even said I am negative and cold and dont leave room for us to make it... The C said "why are you crying Maria?". I answered that it is ironic that 3 years later I hear my exact words and I am not thrilled. I am just sad.
I am disapopinted that I cant stay calm. That the hurt maybe in the way of us right now. I dont know what else I could do. Anyway, we'll see how it goes... Have a nice weekend friends!!! K
I dont know if it was good or bad. I do know that the second hour he was ACTUALLY talking. Which is BIG.
Yes, it is!
Originally Posted By: Kalni
Especially when he was stating all the reasons he thinks we are worth the effort and all the reasons that we drfited apart.
Another good sign!
Originally Posted By: Kalni
I am disapopinted that I cant stay calm.
Don't be. It's understandable and we are not robots. I wouldn't beat myself up about that. It was in an "protected" environment.
Godspeed Maria. Look for the good points in your MC session. That it lasted 2.5 hrs is also another good sign. That his is talking with you and opening up is also a good sign.
Enjoy your weekend sister and thank you for your comments on my thread. Your wisdom is always appreciated.
Hey K, I was checking back last night to see how you got on. Wow. Amazing, the nerd in me finds it interesting he finally DID talk the day Mercury (his ruling planet, as he is a Gemini) goes properly forwards, on 22nd. Sounds like he told you things that perhaps he hadnt really voiced before? Is this right? You were unaware he was so affected by your anger and grief and literally has to stay out of your way because of it? Whilst your anger and grief are understandable, I suppose there comes a point where it is counterproductive (or counterintuitive as Michelle from DB likes to put it) - because it is putting distance between you and preventing him from being intimate with you, or getting close to you I guess?
Great that he embraced it, talked, that it last 2 1/2 hours and the MC was supportive of your R!
But shame he is unable to reach in and touch you anyway, connect with you despite his fears over your anger/grief. I said the other night didnt I, its like you two are in separate rooms, metaphorically.
So this issue in 2005.. was that the root of something for him? Did he kind of withdraw after that? Perhaps he felt you stating you wanted a break from your life was a kind of rejection of him?? I dont know but yes, what a shame he never expressed this before, or better still, at the time!
I think your H doesnt say much so we have to take what we get at face value.. so when he said: "He even said I am negative and cold and dont leave room for us to make it..." I guess you need to take that on board. Its been hard to keep encouraging you to take the wall down to your H.. I mean after all he did its not surprising you would feel these ways. But if you've decided to reconcile with him, at some point you have to 'give in' the fight and soften, let him back in and let go of these protective mechanisms.
Although it would help of course if he gave up one of those damn jobs!! Was that mentioned at all in MC?
Welll done though!! How are things between you since and today? xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
