how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

after not hearing from my H all day (and no contact from me), he finally texted about an hour ago and just said he hoped the dog and i were ok and he'd see me tomorrow. my 180? normally i would have texted him back right away. i'm going to do my 2 mile run at the gym and then i'll respond with a quick thanks for checking in.

tiny victories, right?

[trytryagain]

guess not so much of a victory...ran into our neighbor tonight in my building. the neighbor who's couch my H has been sleeping on. turns out my H is not staying with him anymore but is sleeping at his new apartment. my neighbor didn't want to tell me. i don't even know what he's sleeping on, i still have all the furniture, he must have borrowed an air mattress from the neighbor.

i'm so sad if that's the case that he's sleeping in an empty apartment on an air mattress when he could be on the couch here. why does he feel the need to punish or torture himself by living in that situation before even moving furniture? that breaks my heart to think of him there alone. but i didn't call or reach out, other than to respond to his text about our lunch tomorrow.

had my sister and her new BF over tonight...it was fun until the second they walked out the door and i was left with an empty apartment and a hole in my heart. i miss him soooooo much. it gets harder and harder every day to keep up my hope and optimism.

[Onthemountaintop]

When my W and I separated, I was sleeping in the master bedroom (her insistence) with the bathroom attached. Needless to say, I was up there alone a lot. It gave me time to clear up my thinking, do some reading, and really de-stress from the previous years/months of fighting. During that time, I tried to remember who I wanted to have ‘grown up to be’ and where I went off that path.

I also got myself into some trouble by imagining my life remarried.

While your H being alone can open doors, it also can shut some, too. When making decisions, someone with ADHD needs a calm, non-judgemental place to do that in his/her head. When you are separated, I don’t know how you can share a bed. Isn’t the couch just an insult to sleeping together – almost more stress, not less. There have been days I’ve slept there to get some reflective time, but every day for a few weeks…not likely going to be very good.

Isn’t he making a clear statement – he really doesn’t feel that things are solvable right away, if at all.

Be yourself, the spouse you want to be for him. Be open, honest, and even here you might want to not get into the habit of letting that optimism become crushed. Doesn’t putting it on paper sometimes make it seem more permanent? With a lunch tomorrow, you seem stressed and nervous. Let it go. The solution you want might not come today, it may get worse, first. What’s that phrase, “the calm before the storm”… it is after a storm new seeds and old ones both grow and take new roots. And yes, some die, too. Why worry about things that aren’t in your control? Enjoy the moment and plan for tomorrow.

Have you decided what to order for lunch?

[trytryagain]

thanks, OTM, i get what you're saying. i'm doing my best to let him be alone and not force my needs on him right now. he wrote me earlier this week saying he hasn't slept more than 3 or 4 hours a night for several weeks and he starts a new job on monday (a senior level position to boot) and he felt that his own apartment would allow him the space to get some rest and be able to focus on this new job.

i know i can't control what is going to happen but that still doesn't stop me from wanting to control it. i KNOW he has legal separation papers drawn up and i KNOW he is going to move his things out this weekend. i keep going from closet to closet to his dresser drawers, just looking at all his things in them, because i know they won't be there much longer. sad? pathetic?

i guess it's just that in my mind, this is SUCH a resolvable issue. i truly do understand how he could feel like it's not but i also feel like he's just convinced himself of that because he feels like he's failed. i am going to do my best to be the spouse i want to be for him when i see him tomorrow. i'm actually just excited to see him, it was saturday when i saw him last and i just miss him so much still, i know it will take a lot to control myself from reaching out to touch him every 5 seconds.

we're having sushi. i always get a crunchy albacore roll. no avacado. and edamame. yum.

[Onthemountaintop]

In a strange way, I can feel your grieving and understand it, but partly for the opposite reason. If it hasn’t been clear, in some ways but not all, I’m in your H’s position but I don’t have a wife that seems to be fighting for me – maybe it is all perception.

When I look at my W’s clothes, her, and memories of her, I am filled with a flood of guilt for thinking about D, remorse (both for the marriage and for considering leaving it), and sadness to have hurt and be hurting a person who I care about and our kids. Still, would you settle for a H that cared for you, but didn’t fully want to be around you very often? I don’t think my W could – can you?

It is a very guilty feeling to be trying to make someone and oneself happy while thinking (or having thought) about ending that very same relationship. The first time I seriously looked at my R, as do many couples, is around the 3rd or 4th year. It was also in my 4th year I got an ADHD diagnosis, too. A diagnosis changes a man’s view on himself as a person, as a man, a provider, and more. Having finished university and more, I didn’t feel I lost opportunities because of it; I’m not sure how your H feels about it and how it might impact his new job. Can you imagine why he (and I) have felt at times the need to get away to focus on just one thing. An escape to a lower stress level can be very attractive. Isn’t fixing something more stressful than leaving it?

I completely understand his point of view, from what you said, that he felt he cannot truly be accepted by you for who is and who he believes he will become. My W thinks things are resolvable but it would be a ‘hard, uphill battle’. I would agree that’s true for her and perhaps that is always true for the S of someone with the GIFT and STRUGGLE of ADHD... There have been days my W said that she thinks everything will be fine, and then later on said that I ‘hadn’t changed’. The latter is the message I hear most often. She can stop saying it, but I think it would be at least a few years before I could believe it! My W does understand adult diagnosed ADHD, but that isn’t the same as really getting how that impacts a worldview, relationships, and decision making.

For me, I yearn to struggle for a woman that I was sure was the person I would be (hopefully) in Paradise with, but I do not feel that with my W. I know I’ve had doubts from day 3 of my relationship with my W, but a month into my marriage I had a wonderful daughter born, so I stayed in the marriage hoping for the best. Five kids later, I have to say that I can’t help keeping those thoughts down. And that is the other side of the coin, isn’t it? Marriage is forever…so convincing your H through your actions might be the best way to show that you might be the person he’d regret ever leaving. He also might be thinking that your past history shows that staying was impulsive. Thinking something doesn’t make it right, but it can make the thought very stuck in the brain!

I might be personalizing when I’m writing because of my own ADHD, so take my thoughts with caution – I really think you should love and enjoy your feelings of love for him unless a D does actually finalize or unless you decide one day that he isn’t good enough to stay with. Think forever, he probably is – he might be exaggerating this thought, too – I’m sure he love things that are new and exciting as do most people with ADHD. I don’t know how to gauge it, but maybe you could start ‘dating’ him again in a month, even if you separate tomorrow. Go out places, have fun and show him the more confident, positive and motivating person you are becoming. You know…if you had a mind reading device, you really could communicate with your H much better…maybe there’s one on EBay?

Anyhow – I hope this helps you get up tomorrow and look forward to your H finding himself. I truly hope it is with you and he ‘comes to his senses’ soon.

[trytryagain]

thanks, OTM. your words are very insightful and appreciated. i know when he got diagnosed in the fall of 2008 that it was hard for him (he'd been diagnosed as a child) to hear, but at the same time, a relief that he could put a name to what was going on in his head all the time.

he has made a lot of mistakes (so have i!) and been an imperfect human being (as have i), but i would never ever say he wasn't good enough to stay with and that i didn't want him to be my forever. as you said, ADHD is a gift (oh my god, he's SO creative...and NEVER boring) and a challenge, and it can be very challenging to the non-ADHD spouse. i thought i had a better handle on it after he was diagnosed and i let things slide and i was more cognizant of what was going on in his head and i was also more appreciative of the efforts he was making. but time passed and i honestly forgot that his brain was different from mine and i began to pick at small things and seek reassurance and i know now that for someone with ADHD, it's even harder to take criticism than it is for those without.

my DB coach said that for someone who's dealt with ADHD their whole lives, they live with a constant fear of not being good enough, being told they are not keeping up, or are constantly called out for what they are doing that is wrong. and i know that in our M, my husband has felt that way (although i think he distorts his memory, as people feeling so much negative emotion tend to do) - that i focus only on what he does that is WRONG, instead of appreciating his strengths and even for him to FEEL that way breaks my heart, because i want my H to know every day that i think he is an amazing, courageous, brilliant person.

the thing that has been especially hard for me over the last year is his slow sinking back into what his IC called "self-medicating" - H currently is not on meds for ADHD and doesn't really seem to need to be (although i'm not a doctor) - but he does drink a lot (more than i think he's willing to admit) and he does smoke pot on a daily basis. both have driven me over the last few months to push him more and more to lighten up on both of those, but obviously i approached those things the wrong way. i felt like the more "grown up" i was getting and the more ready i was for things like a house and a family, the more he was going out, drinking with his buddies, and spending time focusing on his work (oddly enough, despite the weed, it doesn't slow him down at all in terms of getting in the way of him being a fully functional, very productive person who holds a senior level position with his company). i don't think he has been honest with himself in regards to those behaviors and i've read enough to know that the last thing i should be doing is pointing them out to him, which is what i want to do when he is bent over, crying that he tried and tried and tried to make this work.

but the fact is that i love my H very much. he is so funny, and (when we're not in crisis) we have a playful, loving relationship. i tend to let the criticism fly when we go out on the town and he downs upwards of 8 or 9 beers and 3 or 4 shots of jack and i have to take him home (on a wednesday night) and put him to bed, but i also realise that the more he hears from me, the more he withdraws and engages himself in that same behavior that i ask him to stop.

it's great to hear from the perspective of someone who has ADHD. my H doesn't talk much about having it, so i don't know that much about how his brain is working throughout all of this, other than i know that he needs and wants to be able to escape all of the "noise" at home and collect his thoughts. maybe he will come to his senses, maybe he won't. once he was diagnosed, i really thought i was "special" enough to be the non-ADHD spouse, because i know it requires a lot of patience and letting things go, which i did well at first and then let slide over time. i want to show THAT W to him, because in my heart i know that while it's hard (even his sister has said she didn't know how i could be married to someone with so many ups and downs), it's also incredibly rewarding (i get the SWEETEST, most thoughtful gifts and notes from him), and not something i am willing to throw away.

i know that right now he's feeling like the struggles we've had so early into our marriage are a sign that they will continue long into our marriage and i've often thought about raising children with him, and again how challenging/rewarding it could be. i don't know what the future will hold for us, and i do pray that god opens his heart to the idea of reconciling our M and living up to the potential that i know we have together. i have probably not told him as much, but he is my hero.

thanks again for your insight. i'll scope out ebay for that mind reading device.

[Cadet]

Just as a point of information. My secretary is dealing with adhd in her 8 year old and my son was add. Try googling adhd and diet. I found a site that gives you a diet that helps with adhd. Also my W belong to an organization called CHADD, they print a monthly magazine on adhd/add that might be helpful.

I am sure the alcohol is not good for any mental illness. Caffenine(coke cola) is a substitute for ritaline.

Dealing with adhd is something that can be managed but you have a lot of hurdles to get past right now.

[trytryagain]

thanks, OP. i DO have a lot of other hurdles to get past before we can talk about successfully managing the ADHD.

and OTM, after reading your last post, i think another reason my H felt he had to move so quickly was the sense of guilt he's dealing with as well...seeing all of our things, photos, our dog, our bed, probably wasn't helping him see clearly at all.

but really, an air mattress and some of your clothes in an otherwise empty apartment is better than trying to work on your M? that seems so awful and dreadfully lonely to me. i wish i had more insight on what it felt like so that i could understand his thinking better - anyone else been in a place where they've felt that isolation and loneliness was better than what they were dealing with at home? not that we are fighting, because we aren't, but since he's decided he can't work on this anymore, he pretty much wanted to be out the door asap.

[talia]

HI TTA,
I thought I would drop by your thread! I have a few random thoughts. I relation to your post on my thread - the Dog. Maybe you could take him out for walks at the time that H would normally come home. It gets you both out of the house creating new habits. Might Help?

Also as far as the lonliness goes - I had a creative way of dealing with that. I renovated my house. Now I know you rent... but change things around. Everything is different at my place - the colors, furniture pieces, furniture placement, etc. Sometimes changing your environments changes your thinking. It feels more like MY house than OUR house - THAT helps my PMA.

Also, with the moving out thing. I packed all my H's stuff. THAT was my way of lovingly controlling his move. I packed it all - very organized, labeled boxes, etc. That way I didn't have to go through the house with him and watch him pack - I couldn't have handled it at the time. I cried the entire day as I packed all his stuff and stacked it in the middle of the living room. I looked at it like it was the most loving thing I could do to support his need to leave. BUT when he arrived to pack up and move you should have see the look on his face when he realized I did it. He was speechless the entire time he packed the truck. It was empowering for me, and a huge 180 because I think he believed I would try to talk him out of it.

I really used the ACT AS IF idea alot. IF we werent seperated, how would I treat H? That idea has kept me handling things based on my morals and values, not based on my reaction to him.


Sorry - this is alot about me... but I can't tell you what to do, all I can do is tell you what worked for me


Are you in IC? What are you doing to deal with your feelings?

(((HUGS))) Hang in there!

Talia

[trytryagain]

talia - you posted on my thread when i posted on yours! great minds think alike, i guess.

thanks for sharing with me what's worked for you. every little bit helps. i've thought about trying to at least sort out some of his things and pack (i.e. all of his books, some of the kitchen ware, etc.) them up, because i know i can't handle being around the day he moves out (T minus 2 days and counting), but i would worry he'd feel like i was either eager for him to get out or trying to make sure he didn't take anything i wanted or i thought was "mine."

i do like the act as if theory, and have been planning to use it when i meet him today to go over the separation papers. if we weren't separated, how would i greet him if we were meeting for lunch together? i'll admit i got out of bed EARLY this morning to find the perfect outfit and spent a little extra time on the hair and makeup. just in case he decides that he can't live without me and professes his undying love over lunch. (kidding!)

as for MY living situation...our lease is up at the end of february. so i won't have that much time to make the place my own. although he is taking the TV and probably the couch, which will free up the whole living room for me to turn into my yoga/meditation den, so...that will be nice. i may have to put some things in storage for a while and move in with my sister when my lease is up because i work for the gov'ment and make PEANUTS and rent rates in washington DC are ASTRONOMICAL.

i'm not in IC right now...i reached out to our MC (who was initially my H's IC before he started seeing us together) about talking to him but he hesitated because of his primary "role" as my H's C. a friend of mine is a life coach and i've been speaking with her as well as a DB coach. i've joined a divorce support group and have a meeting on tuesday. i'm journaling like crazy, spending time just laying around with my dog (who, by the way, is a WRECK), and making a lot more room for god in my life. i found a new church that i love and i started running again. (FYI, crying while you are running is NOT a good idea since it can lead to one tripping oneself and almost falling off the treadmill. i do not recommend it!)

trying to start new routines is a good idea, too...my H usually got home before me and would walk the dog before i got home, but i'm enjoying taking on the task of adding a walk with the dog to my morning routine (as long as it's not raining). just taking it day by day, learning to let go and just let me be me.

thanks! your support means a lot!