Don't know where to post this.

[loveherstill]

Michelle,

I am in IC as well with a local pastor. My issues are being worked on and are a ways from being fixed yet.

This is a life long repair mission. My journey of wanting to be a better man can never stop. I have had a very controlling personality since I was 6 years old and now I am 33. I had a uninvolved mother and alcoholic father. I took care of the younger children (fed and changed them) so it would get done. I have never liked to lose.

This behaviors are being worked on and I will still slip up from time to time. I just want the times between slip ups to become longer and longer. They are and I am making forward progress. I hit rock bottom and it was powerful for me.

This is how I know that IC is so important to my sitch with W.

Thanks for asking.

[Dudess]

Your current approach is certainly a vast improvement over what you were doing. But this:

LHS wrote:
"I told her that I could not stop her from filing and if that is what she had to to so be it. I told her that I did not intend on sharing her and that I would not wait forever for her, the day is fast approaching when I will begin dating."

is not the same things as this:

gucci wrote:
"You will NOT stop her from leaving. She is totally free to go and as a matter of fact you think that she SHOULD go because you just will not share a woman you have a committment with, with ANY man. Firmly, matter of factly, and confident."


In what way are you refusing to enable her in the affair? She still lives in the house with the kids. You still go over and spend family time together and cuddle and kiss her if she initiates it and hold her while she cries. You just won't have sex with her. Well at least she has OM for that. Meanwhile, you live in an apartment and go without sex. What's wrong with this picture?

If she had to choose, I think she'd choose you, but right now she has the best of both worlds.

[loveherstill]

Dudess,

I agree with you. I am trying to buy time until she starts her IC. She is very reactive but respects people she perceives as having authority. She will not back out of C once she starts unless the C tells her not to come any more.

She may, however, refuse to go in the first place if I throw her out of the house before she starts.

I did tell her if she wants OM she should go be with him. She restated that she is not sure what she wants. I said sorry you feel that way, let me know when you do.

I will be ready to get tougher once she is in IC.

[Dudess]

I am trying to buy time until she starts her IC. She is very reactive but respects people she perceives as having authority. She will not back out of C once she starts unless the C tells her not to come any more.

Hasn't your MC told her that sleeping with other people in incompatible with having a good marriage?

It is troubling that she has too much respect for someone in authority. There are good counselors out there, but there are a lot of dreadful ones too. Please don't pin too much hope on the counselor. Yeah, a good one can help a lot, and a bad one can make things much worse. What if she gets one who encourages her to leave you because of your past control and abuse?

She may, however, refuse to go in the first place if I throw her out of the house before she starts.

I don't know that you need to kick her out of the house, but guy friends don't cuddle and kiss.

I did tell her if she wants OM she should go be with him. She restated that she is not sure what she wants. I said sorry you feel that way, let me know when you do.

You are putting your life in her hands when you wait on her to tell you what she wants. What do YOU want?

[loveherstill]

Dudess,

I want the marriage but in the mean time I have been visiting with old friends, working out, and diving back into the business.

Our MC has said that an A is bad but that it is not yet time to call her out on it. W is very defensive and MC is trying to get her to see the error of the A on her own.

IC will help this.

C is very pro-marriage and is a follower of Michelle's.

W does not know this yet and the C does not yet want to tip her hand. C says that IC will help much more than MC right now as W has to realize why she allowed herself to have her A.

C is working with me on my Control issues and has told W that she sees changes in me but knows that it will take more time to make them stick. She told W that I am as open to change now as I have ever been and now is the time for W to ask for any changes she wants or needs.

C being a DB follower helps a lot and she is very pro-marriage but is playing those cards close to her chest to not alienate my W.

[MichelleLT]

Sounds like a good C for you. Hope that W has similar success with IC.

When will you move back into the house?

What actions does she have to take before you will agree to try and R? This goes both to your boundaries and actions she will have to take to convince you she is serious. Think over these carefully because you will need to tell these to her - it is not necessarily obvious to her that you want transparency, no contact with OM, etc.)

Until then, what are the boundaries (I'm reiterating what Dudess is saying about the fact that you cuddle and kiss even though you are not "together")?

[loveherstill]

MC is also her IC

I have been told by MC that move back to the house is on agenda for W's IC

Minimum actions for R: Dump already identified toxic friends, NC with OM, passwords to e-mail, facebook, and online phone records.

She will have to apologize and admit wrong doing to our mutual friends at some point early in the process.

She will begin wearing her wedding rings again and update FB status to married.

I am working on boundaries for myself.

I want the physical contact with her as it is my primary love language. She knows this and will see not touching her as abandonment.

Right now I refuse to so much as shake her hand when she has seen OM in the past 36 hour period. When she has seen OM all of my conversations with her take on a cool business like manner. She has seen this and does not like it. She has backed off with OM because of my treatment of her. When she has not seen him I will hug, hold, and kiss her if she initiates.

I am trying to treat as "reward good behavior and punish bad behavior"

Also when she has seen OM I withhold all validation of her beauty, work accomplishments, mothering, etc. When she refrains from seeing OM I validate her.

More trying to reward good behavior.

As of now she appears to be trying to receive the rewards from me. C has wondered if the OM started and is still being used as a tool to hurt me like I hurt W for several years.

I did not have A but I did destroy her self esteem.

[loveherstill]

She was sexually assaulted at 14 years old and I think that part of her mind is there now. She is acting like a 14 year old.

That is why I am trying reward/punish model right now.

[MichelleLT]

Most WASs act like disturbed teenagers. That is part of the script. I don't disagree with your being more distant when she has seen OM, but the perspective bothers me.

You are talking about her like she is a dog you are training. Rewarding good behavior and punishing bad behavior.

It doesn't sound like you are doing it for you, but that you are trying to control her.

These boundaries and changes have to be for you. Otherwise you'll be back in the same dysfunctional R you were before.

Just my 2 cents.

[loveherstill]

Thank you Michelle. I understand. She is not a dog to be trained but she is acting like a child.

The boundary of not touching her is for me. If I did touch her when she has seen OM I would be disgusted and begin to hate myself for doing so. That would be reflected in the way that I treat her. She is confused and afraid and needs to be shown love and for me to touch her prematurely I know that the resentment in me would cause me to treat he like dirt again.

The cooling off period is so that I treat her well again.

Treating her well really is a 180 for me so I am trying to continue it and she is responding favorably at the moment.

I have to withhold my affections for a period of time after she has seen OM to show my own self respect and to not allow my resentment to grow. If I touched her right away I would feel it was because I was forced not because I wanted to.