Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, but

[Lost Rabbit]

Bit of a upheaval to find yourself piecing yet D at the same time ((Freckle)) just try to focus on where you are going and not whats left behind.

[dday101798]

Freckle,

For me and my "W", I truly think the D HAD TO happen in order for us to even have the remote possiblity of a second chance that we are in now half a year later from it.

It brought closure to the M problems. It brings me no shame now to say the M was in fact irrevocably broken. Everything that transpired up to the S clouded over that happiest of days when we married.

Give it time, and I think you may find that relief.

And also as I type this, I am reminded, I could have chosen anyone, and so could she. We are after all free to go. But here we are, and I'll tell you what, since our original day is wrecked, I'm starting to favor the idea of doing it all over again.

With a pre-nup of course

[Freckle6]

Thanks Lost. Last year at this time I would have been sad, but relieved at it being over. It's been hanging over my head for almost 5 years. I'm not even sad now, though it does feel strange to realize I'm not married anymore. We've been separated for roughly 4 out of 10 years of "marriage". It was semantics by this point. We were together far longer than that unmarried and seemed to do a better job at it. LOL

DDay, would you get remarry your W on your original date?

Even if my H and I end up happily ever after, I'm not keen on getting married again. Maybe someday 30-40 years from now when we take an old people's chartered vacation to Las Vegas or something it'll seem like a good idea--complete with an Elvis and everything! For now, like you said, I'd rather be together because we've chosen to be. We have matching last names already.

I still have good memories of our wedding and happier times. Maybe because there was no 3rd party as the reason? But I'm very disillusioned as to the whole for better, for worse thing. After going through all this, I firmly believe that "marriage" isn't something that can be created or severed by a legal document. It's what's in the heart that counts.

Now, how does one celebrate an un-honeymoon? LOL

[Freckle6]

Talked to H on the phone tonight and I broke it to him that we were officially D. We laughed about it. He didn't know yet. Then he talked lots about living here and some things he wanted to do with the house.

When he starts talking about moving here, I never really encourage it--I agree that the ideas he has fixing up the house are good (they're usually things we talked about and agreed to years ago) but I'm long past the "come home, come home" stage of desperation. If it happens, I want it to be his decision. Not that I don't have a say in it, but I don't want to influence or persuade him.

It actually feels like when we were living together for so long and would talk marriage. I never brought it up and never pressured. He was feeling pressure to propose from our families and I told him over the years that I would never give him an ultimatum or try to talk him into getting married, because I don't want to marry someone I have to threaten or trick into it. And he did eventually come to that point on his own and he was so excited to propose.

I'm not going to beg him to move back or even try to sneakily convince. If it's meant to be, it'll happen when it's supposed to. I know that's what he wants (I assume if he didn't he wouldn't be mentioning it so much...?) and I obviously want to be a family again too, but only when the time is right in his heart and head. It's still too soon right now anyway, but I do feel more at ease with the idea as time goes on.

We talked more about making camping reservations for this summer (!!!) and again about taking our son to church (assuming it doesn't burn down when I walk through the doors).

When we were saying goodbye for the night, I said "goodnight ex-husband". I think that'll be all I joke about that with him though. What matters is right now. We are a family regardless because of our S and we have a looooong history (Saturday was the 19th anniversary of the first time we.... -19 years!!! Holy crap.). The D being finalized is just another blip in there. I'm more interested in today and the future.

Like DDay had a dream about remarrying his W the other night, I had a dream we were in bed about to go to sleep and he told me he loved me. That's what I'm hoping for in the near future. I know he does, I just want to hear it from him.

[Butterfly1]

Fantastic news. You must be feeling great. I am so happy for you. You are a family and that's what matters.

[Lost Rabbit]

Echo H4L being a family doesnt necessarily mean you have to be married. Just enjoy what you have and like you are doing smile at the irony of it all! So pleased that some how it seems to be going full circle for you. (())

[dday101798]

Well Freckle,

It sounds like you may very well be in the same boat in that it took the D to finally let all the bad stuff go and get back to the brass roots of why you two fell for each other in the first place.

As Lost Rabbit said, you don't have to necessarily re-marry, that's a matter of personal choice and how your feelings have been or re-develope.

For me, it's a trivial issue. I can not stand to call my ex-wife, and in recent introductions to new friends of hers since we seperated, she still calls me her husband. I think it's a matter of what the heart says. I've never had to answer to anyone else ever in my life until answereing to her became a third of it.

One thing she did do right after the D was over, and I mean right after, was change her name back to her maiden name as I had requested, it pained me too much for her to keep it. She tore our family apart, and therefor I felt she did not bare the right to have the same name as myslef or children whose life she impacted so horridly with what she had done. So, that spoke vulumes that somewhere under her cloak of WAS, she was still in there somewhere.

And you touch on a point of my M that had always lingered in the back of my mind. 2 years into the M, we had a falling out. And it was at that point I was stressed to find myself married with 2 kids, being so young and unsituated myself that I had concluded that I married her for the most because she was pregnant and it seemed the proper thing to do. Sure I loved her, but that was a huge factor.

If we were to re-marry, that would not be the reason (hopefuly, there's some weird things going on I touch in my thread from time to time). If we are to re-marry, this time it would be for us and our own personal decloration to each other.

As I've said, in my heart of hearts, she has been and will always be my wife, no matter how this turns out. She is the only one I will ever marry again. Only for the said reason.

Our wedding and all that what amassed with it, is lost, other than the memory and a few trinket items. However, the date has always been synonimous in our daily lives. W would always make it a point to stop everything we were doing, call or text and say 'happy anniversary' at 10:17 everyday, each time. We now just exchange pleasent message wishing each other well at that time, but ew can't shake it. We've also both confessed that during the seperation and D, for whatever the only time we'd ever look at the clock during the day or night, it alwasy read, 10:17. So, we have obviously never shooken that natural sense.

Ironically now as we peice, that time still haunts us. Several times when we've gone out for a bit after getting the kids situated for bed, the moment I'd start my truck up, the clock would come on and it was? 10:17 (including and most importantly, the first night we went out alone and ended up laying the first bricks to where we are today). Several times we would have been out and needed to get back 'home', when we'd check the time to see how late we were? 10:17.

That said, yes, if it does so happen to re-marrying is in our future, it will be on the same day, it's our day has been, and continues to be.

Mushy and border corney I know. However, it's just one of those 'fate' things to us.

[Freckle6]

Had a great weekend with H. His visitation with our son is every Friday night and on every other weekend, he keeps him until Sunday at 12. This was the two night weekend but on he and son came here last night and stayed.

H brought his cat. To see how he got along with the 2 cats here. Is this a big step? LOL Like introducing "my kids" to "your kids" when you're dating another single parent? I have our almost 15 year old cat and a 6 month old kitten. He has a 2 year old cat. The kitten decided to show she was tough and hissed and his cat spent most of the time hiding under the recliner in the living room. His cat did walk around the room a bit this morning. There wasn't even any paw swatting. I call it a success. H spent the night kicking my butt bowling on the Wii. For someone that was making fun of a game system that "makes you flail around like a dork just to play", he's quite into it now. I do have a suspicion he is just using me for my Wii.

This is feeling more real every day. It's been almost 4 months since he started reconnecting (and I didn't have a clue what it was all about) and almost 3 months since he spit it out that he wanted to be a part of our lives again. He was the king of back and forths early in our separation, but it'd be a few weeks of connecting, max. Other than that "freakout" text early on that I'm still patting myself of the back in the way I handled it, he hasn't wavered at all.

We haven't fought or disagreed at all. We talk about our past casually and remarkably he remembers again all the good times we've had. You know how when they want out history is rewritten and they were never happy... There has been absolutely none of the previous MLC/WAH anger there was years ago with the "you never..." and "you always..." I don't feel any anger either, amazingly.

I do find it hard to sleep with him in my bed. It's been so long that I've been sleeping alone... It even took me two years before I stopped sleeping on "my" side and took over the middle of the bed. What's funny though is that "my" side was/is on the far side of the bed and I do still walk all the way around to there to get in--even when I'm the only one there. I got used to sleeping without the freight train snoring... But when he curls around me in the mornings it makes up for that.

[Butterfly1]

WOW there is hope!What do you think made him want to start coming back and being a family again? You are living proof that time is on our sides.

[Freckle6]

I really don't know what changed for him. For a few years we really had no contact except the briefest of words regarding our son when absolutely necessary. We never fought or got ugly about anything--that was even kind of our problem when we did argue. We'd get mad and not speak for days until someone caved which wasn't any healthier than what you and your H did-- just the other end of the spectrum. It's been like 3+ years of that. LOL

I guess for now I am proof that X amount of time isn't too late, because 5 years is a pretty long time. Though I don't think I'd advise anyone to wait around that long either. Until this summer when he poked his head out briefly, I had accepted it was over for good. Literally like a week before he started calling me for stupid reasons (like to ask how old he was...) I had burnt a pile of cards he has given me over the years.