I've got the book, and am reading it presently. It's awesome to be able to look at things from a different perspective that you never considered before. It was referred to me here on this board a couple of weeks ago. Thanks G.
Interestingly, my DB TeleCoach suggested it to me for use in DBing. Said it was not just applicable to kids. I got it from the library but never finished it (was reading so many damn R books at the time). I may revisit it at some point.
Originally Posted By: Antlers
ps - how ya' doin' man?
Pretty good. Until about an hour ago. I just posted it. Overall, still good though, just a bit dismayed over the needlessness of it all (sitch), right now. Thanks.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Yep, I agree that the book presents techniques that are not just applicable to kids.
Read your post. Sorry. The hard fact is that they wanted to do it more than they didn't want to do it. And they still want to do it...or they'd stop it.
We didn't want this, and they know it. They did want it.
ps - it's never too late to start doing what's right....for anybody!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I am doing ok Ant, I'd like to see if some people can stop by SirPrizeMe's new thread in Stbd he just posted. It really sounds like he needs some help and prayers.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I just ran across something that caught my attention...
He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers... - Malachi 4:6
Is there any hope for me with my kids? Is there anything I can do to recover lost ground? I am a dad who thinks he blew it. I hope it's never too late to close the gap with my kids. I have blown it with them in the past. Hopefully, as long as my kids and I are breathing, I'll have a second chance. Hopefully, my story as a dad isn't finished.
There are few things as bitter as regret.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Is there any hope for me with my kids? Is there anything I can do to recover lost ground? I am a dad who thinks he blew it. I hope it's never too late to close the gap with my kids. I have blown it with them in the past. Hopefully, as long as my kids and I are breathing, I'll have a second chance. Hopefully, my story as a dad isn't finished.
There are few things as bitter as regret.
Your statement above is ripe with helplessness. That this is permanent and won't or can't be changed.
WRONG!
First, you must believe that yes, there is hope. If you don't start from there, then there is no hope.
Next, you must realize that where you are now is not permanent. You can not predict the future, for yourself or anyone else, so why think and dwell on there is no hope of something ever changing?
Knowing that, allows you to maintain a positive attitude in the first place. Without it, you will be hard pressed to make any progress, and stay stuck in helplessness.
Regret is a useless emotion in my opinion, as it keeps you stuck where you are.
How about acknowledging that you made mistakes instead, resolve to correct them, which you have because you can not change the past, and work on a positive attitude for change for the future so you don't repeat the mistakes of your past?
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
It's possible that you've misunderstood me. I don't feel helpless about this, and I don't believe it's permanent or can't be changed. I have hope, as I stated, that my story as a dad isn't finished and I'll have another chance. I believe that whatever has happened between my kids and I, under all those layers of hurt and distance...they long to be reconnected to me as I long to be reconnected to them. I think they want to forgive me and be right with me. We can't go back, but we can go forward. I believe they want to go forward as I do.
I've been acknowledging that I've made mistakes with them since before their mother left. And I have resolved to correct them, but it takes time...the dynamics here are totally screwed up. And they've gotten much worse since their mother filed for divorce.
It's gonna require some hard work. I want my kids and I to be reconnected at a heart level with each other.
Regret does shadow your life with a persistent, painful message of "what could have been".
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Hey antlers... just checking in. Sorry about the communication problems you are experiencing right now. Great goal on working on your listening, vs. waiting for a chance to speak.
I wonder if you have considered, or perhaps already have, sitting your younger D and S down for a grownup talk about feelings, and where they are coming from, and where you are coming from? Much of what you've been sharing here should be shared with them. You're hurt, but you love them and always will, and you're willing to give them space if they need it, and will never give up on them. Also, a frequent fear for kids is that they are responsible for the breakup somehow. So, reassure them they aren't, and maybe speak about older D too... you love her and always will, and you understand this is tough on everyone.
Rambling thoughts, but if they haven't heard the good things you are sharing here - they need too! Set some ground rules for the discussion... time to talk, time to listen, no one yells, etc. and if you talk to them maturely, I think they will do the same.
