LHS - Something that validates is fine (more along the lines of "I understand why you feel that way" rather than "I'm sorry"). I think you started to get at what Gnosis said, but weren't as blunt.
I have set that boundry and she will not be hitting me again or I will can police. This will also cost her her job as she works for a school district.
Maybe I have your situation mixed up with someone else's, but haven't you already called the police about her hitting you?
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
LHS - Something that validates is fine (more along the lines of "I understand why you feel that way" rather than "I'm sorry"). I think you started to get at what Gnosis said, but weren't as blunt.
Hey! I'm not blunt... I'm brutal... or sharp.
Sorry, LHS, life's too short to mince words.
I have started to say this often. I have also said that I understand but do not agree.
I validated her today on being a good teacher to her children (special needs preschool) and reminded her to be happy with herself as she brings the children great happiness.
I have told her that happiness comes from within and external validation cannot create true happiness.
I am trying to get her to see the good about herself and use that to balance the bad so that she may start to be happy about herself again.
I will no longer kiss her butt, but I will praise her on her real life accomplishments.
I am keeping the childlike state of mind in memory while talking to her.
Thanks for the help so far.
I am learning it just took a little while.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
I have set that boundry and she will not be hitting me again or I will can police. This will also cost her her job as she works for a school district.
OK LHS... now I'm even MORE interested in catching up with everything you've written!!!
You set that boundary but FAILED to enforce it. I know it's going to be and extremely tough one to execute. When she crosses that boundary AND SHE has before and WILL again. You call the police. You get them to come to the house to show that you are not bluffing. This will create the RESPECT she needs for you. You get them to right up the charges.
Don't worry, it won't be the end of her career. You tell the cops that you'll be there the next day to file charges. Then you let her stew overnight.... and the next day. That evening you go to the police station and withdraw the charges.
Call your lawyer (go to the police station if you have to) and find out how far you push before it goes on record. This is so you can give her a reprieve later. BUT SHE NEEDS TO STEW IN IT FOR A WHILE.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I have set that boundry and she will not be hitting me again or I will can police. This will also cost her her job as she works for a school district.
Maybe I have your situation mixed up with someone else's, but haven't you already called the police about her hitting you?
I threatened to once but I did not mean it and she knew it. This time she knew and was very worried. She started crying and feels that now she is becoming the same abuser she had to put up with as a child.
I need to keep it together until she starts IC on Feb 3rd.
She knows of her anger issues and readily admits them. She wants IC but still even today (child like state of mind) wants me to take care of taxes, lawyer, C, etc.
I set her first appointment like she asked, the C will set the rest and W will gladly go as she wants to be better for the children. I have faith that IC will help our R as well. As she handles her individual issues (as I am handling mine) we will then start to make forward progress in MC
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
I have told her that happiness comes from within and external validation cannot create true happiness.
I am trying to get her to see the good about herself and use that to balance the bad so that she may start to be happy about herself again.
Believe me when I tell you that you're going to say this a million times. It will only register for a brief moment. Only when she truly and honestly goes to work in IC will she start to recover from this. (I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE)
Originally Posted By: loveherstill
I am keeping the childlike state of mind in memory while talking to her.
Please do because part of her mind is still the age she was when she was abused. It has not grown or matured. Her perception of self is going to be the biggest obstacle to overcome.
With that in mind... do whatever you can to bust up that affair ASAP. Disregard her anger. Disregard her threats. Do whatever is needed to accomplish that goal. Only when the OM is completely out of the picture will your journey start.
Originally Posted By: loveherstill
but still even today (child like state of mind) wants me to take care of taxes, lawyer, C, etc.
Sorry, that's out of the question. She needs to and has to learn to take care of those things for herself. She has rejected you as a partner. These are the consequences....
Boundary: If you are involved with OM, I feel like I don't have a W and you have abandoned me. I want you to start acting like my W again and get rid of him. If you continue your relationship with him I cannot and will not be there for you. You will have to do XYZ all on your own.
That boundary will trigger her rejection issues, but it will also give her the choice. So you will not be abandoning her, she is abandoning you. See the difference?
Use reverse psychology to turn her fears against her. Nasty, I know, but necessary in your sitch. If you have any questions on the phrasing before you voice your boundaries, run them past here first.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
No more taking care of setting appointments for her, got it. She can put on her big girl panties and set her own appointments from now on.
I will have to take care of the taxes as I have run the numbers and it is more advantageous for us to file jointly for 2009. I will have refund deposited in separate account and give her no more than half.
I will also delay filing taxes through filing an extension.
I find no need to pay her to leave me until we have had more IC and MC.
She is still undecided but reacts with her 14 year old mind in snap decisions. If she has money to file she might before she has time to think over the repercussions.
The IC will get more answers than I ever could.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
If she wants you to be a partner, she has to be your partner. If she doesn't want to be your monogomous W, then you don't do the extra little helpful things you would do for your W. You do things that are for the kids and for you (and taxes are about you).
When her actions show that she wants to really be your partner, then doing those things you only do for your partner is acceptable.
But until she is ready, you must act like you are S and getting D. You must let her deal with the reality she has created.
It won't be pretty, but a person has to hit bottom and really want help before they can grow.
So let her hit bottom.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
She is calling and inviting me over everyday for the last 5 days now. Her attitude seems to have changed a lot since I talked to her two days ago and told her that I did not need her, but wanted her and that if she wanted to file for D I would not stand in her way.
She asked me over for dinner last night and I went. I made the evening all about the kids and S2 fell asleep on my chest. I let him sleep there for 45 min while W gave S4 his bath. Had a good conversation with S12 at the same time.
W tried to cuddle earlier in the night. I did not exactly reject her I just encouraged younger sons to come up on our laps and read them a book.
After the bath we put S2 and S4 to bed and she wanted to be held. She sit next to me and turned to face me and wrapped her arms around me. I held her in the hug as well. She said that the hugs are starting to feel better.
She then kissed me and for the first time since NYE her eyes were closed while doing so (she only closes her eyes when she is feeling "it", I never close mine). I broke off the kiss, thanked her for dinner, and left.
I did not follow her in the house and acted as if I was completely uninterested in what she was doing when she was not actively talking to me.
She said last night was the best we spent together in several weeks.
She text me a joke at bedtime last night and wished me good night. This morning she called and wished me good morning and to have a good day. She hinted around at wanting me to come over tonight. I will wait until she comes right out and asks. If she asks I will go and spend time with the kids and only spend time with her if she initiates. I have told her that I do not need her and without her my income will actually go up as I am a workahaulic and without family around I will work on my business 16 hours or so a day (I will go out on the weekends).
She said she thought that I only wanted to save our M for financial reasons. I reminded her that financially a D would be benificial for me. I want to save the M because I want her, but I would be ok without her, it is her decision.
I think that this has created a big turning point for us. I have let her know she is wanted and that I am here if she wants to work on us, but I will not pine away and die without her.
Any thoughts?
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
