If you really want to give up... then do it in style. Sell whatever you can, clean out the bank account (if there's anything left) collect the cash and go live on the beach. Chill out and drop off the face of the planet. Live like a beach bum, check out the chicks and learn to surf, and take it one day at a time.
Can't tell you how many times I've thought about doing this...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
If you really want to give up... then do it in style. Sell whatever you can, clean out the bank account (if there's anything left) collect the cash and go live on the beach. Chill out and drop off the face of the planet. Live like a beach bum, check out the chicks and learn to surf, and take it one day at a time.
Can't tell you how many times I've thought about doing this...
It's not as easy as it sounds, but definitely worth doing for as long as the money lasts. Gives you a new perspective on life.
I've got an alternate idea. I have always felt best whenever I helped others. Not only does it take your mind off your own issues, but it gives you some perspective. It gets you out of yourself and gives you some peace of mind, as well as being a benefit to people who are even more destitute and in need.
There's a ton of pain through-out the world right now -- Haiti being foremost on everyone's minds. If you can't give money, give your time and energy. Volunteer. You will receive as much as you give -- I promise.
I've got an alternate idea. I have always felt best whenever I helped others. Not only does it take your mind off your own issues, but it gives you some perspective. It gets you out of yourself and gives you some peace of mind, as well as being a benefit to people who are even more destitute and in need.
NCB, you're 110% spot on with that. This is the reason I'm on the board.
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
There's a ton of pain through-out the world right now -- Haiti being foremost on everyone's minds. If you can't give money, give your time and energy. Volunteer. You will receive as much as you give -- I promise. It's something to think about.
Thank you all for the words of support. It gives me hope that other people have been in the place I find myself now.
Yes, it is a sad state of affairs.
Kerry - I read some of your recent news and it's good to see you enjoying life. Glad to hear it. To answer your question, yes indeed, I still have my bicycles (plural - one for road, one for trails, and a spare!) but I haven't ridden them in a year or so. One of them is about 20 feet away from me. It's been sitting since April, when I unpacked it from my move.
In answer to your other question - no I did not burn any bridges at work; in fact people have offered me interviews and opportunities. It's just that ... not sleeping, you know, not caring... I wouldn't be effective at work. Work can be fun, engaging, stimulating. But there's a reason they call it *Work*, you know: all the little headaches, challenges, it takes a steady conscientious effort. A commitment! and in my head there's a voice: why would I go through all that? for what? There's nothing to salvage. No house at risk (it's gone). No savings to preserve (gone). No way I could climb out of the debt I'm in. So. It's sort of pointless.
I know that must sound sad and shocking, but that's my honest perspective. I used to happily go to work - never complained because I felt so lucky. Very engaged and motivated at work. I was not the guy to check out at 330pm and head for the bar. Now? it's a little different.
I know there are other people out there who could use help. I know there's a world out there. It's just outside my window.
...I thought of volunteering in Haiti. But you know, that seems pretty ambitious. I don't even go outside now. That's a bit of a reach for me, honestly. I think maybe a smaller step might eb more appropriate.
Last edited by SirPrizeMe; 01/20/1003:58 AM.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Okay. Haiti was just an example. There's lots of people you can help close by. There are Christian organizations and interfaith groups working to help those less fortunate all over the place. Locally is just as good.
Or you could simply join a support group and learn to help others through their pain while healing your own. Specifically, you can talk to other alienated fathers and victims of D and share your story and your experiences.
You could take it even further by joining a shared parenting political advocacy group -- or starting one. Lots of fathers have been screwed over by our justice system as you have, and many of them and their (current) W's have become alarmed enough at these injustices to try to organize and seek remedies.
All are suggestions. But the thing you need most to do is take the first step, as others have also advised. Baby steps then. Baby steps. But keep moving forward.
Sir . . I'm chiming in because I've been there. It is hard for others to understand where you are right now.
I got to a point where the only thing that motivated me to get out of the house during my "dark period" was the fact that I was out of food. COMPLETELY out of food. And I was not even rational enough to be able to put myself together to go to the grocery store (2.1 miles down the road). For about 4 days I made it out of the house once a day to the local gas station and ate Little Debbie Snacks. It was all I could do to muster up the power to do that and only that!
(Actually looking back on that incident, I'm kinda chuckling right now, OMG! I got SO BAD!).
Yes, I could not see my "way out of the bag". I knew I had to "do something" but had NO INERTIA to do so. IT is a horrible place to be
I understand Buddy, I've been there. To look for a job, to volunteer takes EFFORT. And one does not HAVE the inertia or energy to stick with it. I was afraid to even take a part time job, just some menial thing to bring in minimum wage and get me out of the house. For I knew, in that state, that I'd probably not even have it in me to show up for work each day. And I could not bear with another failure in my life.
I knew I was in bad shape, and needed to see a doctor to get on some meds to get me through this tough time. But I did not even have what it takes to make a phone call, or look for a therapist, or find a DR. to make an appointment.
I kinda wished my friends would have stepped up and done something, but, as you know, they sometimes don't know how to help and have their own lives to worry about. I don't blame them. . .
I thought about "checking out" everyday. Could not figure out a "way" to do it, and, like you, did not want the shame on my family. That kept me going. And the fact that I was not going to off myself until I got the house cleaned and the closets organized. Heaven forbid my family had to come in after my passing and see what a mess the house was It was only then that I realized I was ok, the old me was still there. Ha ha, won't commit suicide because I'm too worried that someone else is going to have to clean out my closets.
You know you are getting better when stuff gets so crazy you start laughing about it. Or then . . maybe you are really going off the deep end. . .
What worked for me?
TIME.
And not beating myself up for being in the dumps.
I also found a puppy on my property. I swear that dog saved my life. Someone innocent looking at you at 8AM in the morning saying "Dude? Are you going to let me out to pee?"
I had to bring functionality and routine into my life in itty bitty bits and pieces. Having that pup gave me structure. For I had none in my life (yeah, not showering, not leaving the house, I was there). At first it was a struggle to make a plan, set a schedule and JUST LET THE DOG OUT 4 times a day. And feed him on time 2 times a day.
At that time it seemed like the greatest challenge in the world. Get a job? Make new friends? Go out into the world? Forget about it. I had a hard enough time letting him outside to poop on schedule.
Some days he pooped in the house. And it sat there, in the corner, for a few days. And it started to become clear to me. The voice inside your head starts to change when you have an obvious reminder of your life sitting like that right in front of you. "Dude, there is a turd on the FLOOR! It's there because you are flaking out! Pick it up and do better next time, do right by this pup and let him OUT!
And bit by bit, I got better.
That became my Mantra in life "You gonna lay there like a turd, or get up and make changes?".
I know, I can laugh about it now, for I'm out of the darkness. My friends even made me a plaque to hang on my wall that says:
"if you are going to act like a TURD, go lay in the yard"
I love it.
Find something that's gonna MAKE you get on schedule and DO something each and every day, something that will hold you accountable. I know how hard it is. . . . it is SO BABY STEPS! So hard to just do the little things.
What also worked for me was trying to get out of the house. I had no $ to blow either, so I just forced myself to go to the local Barnes and Noble Book store. Just get up and go there and read for an hour. Read the magazines. Get out of your head. No pressure. No one to bug you, no responsibility. Some days it would take me ALL DAY just to get there. But I GOT THERE.
After that, I was able to venture into the stores a little bit. It snowballs after that. And you can put one foot in front of the other and move on.
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
Oh, and PS, I love that dog like nothing else. I owe him my life when he woke me up every morning out of my depression as a little wet-nosed pup.
He's now a 95 pound good-looking hunk of dog, and I take him out for walks and hiking and all the guys love him.
He's a "Dude-magnet" and an ice-breaker. . . .
Sir, it gets better. I promise.
You gotta take care of yourself, first, then take care of all of the rest of the stuff in life.
I know how it was, I got overwhelmed with the disasters in my life, the bills, the lack of direction, the lack of employment, I just fell to the floor.
Learn to take care of yourself first, and the rest comes later.
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
I don't have much to offer but I will offer this..
Dear Lord and Merciful father I come before you today and pray that you keep this man and one of your children under your watchcare and protection. I pray that the forces working against him be eased and all his burdens and worries be cast aside. I pray that you bless him, take him in your arms, guide him and protect him. I pray that you touch the hearts of his family and friends that they may seek to start to rebuild relationships with him and offer him friendship and kindness. I pray that you will bestow upon him new energy and direction, these things I ask in Christ's name..amen..
I don't think I ever posted to you before....
I'm not a real religious guy actually...I go to church...I'm a good guy...something made me click on your thread...
I don't guess any of that really matters..
One step in front of the other..what they tear down can be rebuilt..
I like ponygirl's post.