Keep Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

Yeah! All we have is today, and we should make the most of it. No-one knows what is going to happen tomorrow, or the next. God may call you home, or not, or there may be miracles that will amaze you, or it will just be your normal, everyday, lives, which are miracles in and of themselves.

Take care.

[BeingMe]

Well, it's 2010! Last year was full of surprises, good and bad.
-I loved having all my family together during the summer.
-My D22 gave birth to another grand-daughter.
-I have disliked the process of removing my tumour. I have an appointment next Monday to find out the result of the latest MRI. This is after 6 months of chemo after having radiation after having a biopsy op. I hope and pray that it's gone and that this year will be a tumour free one.
-I did well in all the courses I took in 2009.
-D17 got her gliding pilot wings. So proud.
-I have come to realize the wonder of life and how I love being here on earth, with my children and grandchildren, with all the beauty that surrounds us. I definitely choose Life.
-No change in the marriage, unfortunately. I think I will be leaving my H, one way or another, death or divorce. Sad that we could not get it together. But, he is still uncommunicative (except his job and discussing the kids), we ML once last year, I think he's still lying about OW (I don't check because I don't care anymore) and he isn't as supportive with what I am going through as I would like him to be. I guess, I shouldn't expect too much. Usually, I would make jokes about the tumour, or laugh at the treatment (radiation was a hoot), and that is my way of dealing with it. On the very rare occasion, when I tell him that I am frightened, or hate the taste the chemo leaves, or anything negative, he tells me not to feel that way. Good grief! How should I feel? (It would be nice for him to say, "I am sorry that you are going through this frightening disease," and then give my a hug and say, "I am here for you". Wouldn't that be what a loving H would say. He's not mean when he says "don't feel that way", just totally unaware of how it makes me feel. Sometimes, I tell him not to tell me how I should feel, but he doesn't get the underlying hint. Ugh! It's causing stress in me, and D17 and I had a huge fight the other day because I felt she didn't understand that I was feeling down, and could she just leave 'it' alone. But, it's not her journey, its mine and she shouldn't have to be the brunt of my frustration.

So, I think I shall be leaving the M. I just need to get this disease under control, and then I'll be able to deal with other issues in my life. I don't think H cares one way or the other. It'll just be a matter of logistics, and letting the kids know. I am drained, emotionally. I don't feel romantic love for him or from him --- I care about him, like I would a brother or really good friend or as a child of God. But, as a H, I just don't see it anymore. The last 5 years of my life has been a waste of time, marriage-wise, but I try not to be regretful of my choices. I did get to go to uni, and meet some lovely people, and my daughter has done so well here. Happy my S22 stayed here, but sad D22 went back. This disease showed me how well my S22 and D17 coped with the seizures and taking care of me when I couldn't. Although, I hate that they had to do so, since I am quite an independent person. H did not get to see the worst of it since he travels a lot for work. But, he did see my worst seizure in the emergency room, after one I had a couple of hours previously. Quite shocking to him, but I was out of it, so was unaware.

I wrote a poem from the perspective of a person having a seizure, so here it is (sometimes I think this is what my M is like, and definitely when the bomb dropped):

------------------------------------
The Fit

A voice whispers my name. I turn
and the world shrinks into a whirl,
only the centre is clear.
This is the vortex of my aura,
around which I know that
a seizure is near.
I rush to safety, before the attack.
Suddenly, my body is ripped;
torn in two, one side lame,
the other jerking in electric spasms.
And before the darkness closes,
the two I became, come face to face;
and,
I,
die.
Grasping air, I come out of the fit.
Concerned faces surround me, asking,
“who are you, what is your name?”
(To gauge my clarity.)
Who am I? I have no clue,
I am confused, until
slowly my mind clears.
I taste blood in my ragged, torn mouth,
and realize what had happened.
Quickly, my hand gropes my groin.
I am distressed, ashamed,
of wetting myself, but I sigh.
This time, triumphantly,
I am dry.
------------------------------------

So! This year, I pray for the absence of the tumour, further good health for myself and family and friends, continued good results at university, ability to be independent, clarity as to what my next steps will be, and inspiration. Please Lord, give me the inspiration to know what to do, angels to guide my feet in the right direction and wisdom to know what to say.

Take care everyone --- and I sure do hope and pray for the same for y'all as I do myself.

[BeingMe]

The tumour is gone. I go for another MRI in six months time, and I guess that will be the case for some time. I am grateful, thankful and looking forward to not worrying about things like chemo. Yay!

Now, what to do about H?

[Butterfly1]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!! That is great news. Maybe try to relax and be content tonight - you have lots of time to worry about how to deal with H. Celebrate!

[Gnosis]

BM, I've "seen" you on Future's thread and "looked you up." I've only read your last few posts so I'm in no position to give advice.

This part of your post stood out...

On the very rare occasion, when I tell him that I am frightened, or hate the taste the chemo leaves, or anything negative, he tells me not to feel that way. Good grief! How should I feel? (It would be nice for him to say, "I am sorry that you are going through this frightening disease," and then give my a hug and say, "I am here for you". Wouldn't that be what a loving H would say. He's not mean when he says "don't feel that way", just totally unaware of how it makes me feel. Sometimes, I tell him not to tell me how I should feel, but he doesn't get the underlying hint. Ugh!

I'm not making excuses for your H. As you know, us men are kinda wired differently.... I get the impression that he's clueless on how to express himself, this is why he asks you "not to feel that way."

Please forgive me if I'm repeating something that may have been discussed before, but, have you tried simply telling him what to say to you at times like that. It's difficult for us men "to get it." We don't work well with subtle hints.

CONGRATULATIONS on the tumor being gone! That's wonderful news! I truly wish you all the best. Good health and peace for this year and the ones that follow.

((( BM )))

[BeingMe]

Hi Gnosis! Thanks for putting in your opinion ---- much appreciated! I don't think you're making excuses for my H. However, I have tried telling him exactly what I expect from him in other situations and he failed to respond. I was scared, and stressed myself and needed my H to be there for me in a deeper and more emotional way. Telling at that time would've been more than I could've been able to do. I don't think anyone on this board has tried more than me, to find ways of communicating with H. I even went on a man's sexual forum because I thought that was his 'love language' --- he was addicted to porn for quite some time at the beginning of our marriage for which he got help eventually -- that was the start of all the problems we have. I got some great tips, but it didn't help much. In fact, as you can see, we have not ML since Feb. last year, and before that, hardly ever for the previous 3 years. Emotionally, and sexually, he is a lousy H, but he is a fairly good dad, a good provider and he is fun sometimes when going out with friends (not so much when just with me --- I have to coax him). I have not been the best of wives --- I reacted badly to the porn. I certainly had baggage of my own going into the M. But, I always tried to listen, when he had anything to say, which was mostly about his day at work or what steps he should take in his career, etc. I don't think there's much more I can do. I doubt he loves me in a romantic way, and I don't think I do either. If he tried romanticizing me now, I wouldn't know how to react ---- it's been too long since I requested that need.

He is a good friend by what I see with his friends. This has all become tiresome. Maybe, I should just aim for friendship. That seems to be where he shines. I don't know. I wanted to get through this health issue, and then see how I felt. I want my freedom, but I'm going to have to go slow. I have to think of D17 ---- she was badly effected 5 years ago when we were going through all this madness. I also have to think of finances, since he is in control of all financial things (no discussion with me, or doing a budget discussion with me --- I have very little input except that my name is on the mortgage, and our account is dual, at least the one I know about, where I buy groceries, etc. I don't have my own credit card, but one that is attached to his. So, I probably don't have much of a credit score).

Anyway, not sure what I'm going to do, or when. I am just letting the health thing sink in. I have to finish my BA degree too. I may just ask for a in-house separation. That way, I get my own money (alimony) where I can start building a credit history. He doesn't have to pay a separate mortgage or rent. He travels a lot so is often not here, anyway. Later, we can look at D or whatever.

[BeingMe]

Thanks Hope4Luv!

[Tomato]

The tumour is gone. I go for another MRI in six months time, and I guess that will be the case for some time. I am grateful, thankful and looking forward to not worrying about things like chemo. Yay!

Now, what to do about H?

I am so happy for you and what the Lord is causing to happen in your life.

This is so great to hear. Give thanks and praise the our great God.

You must be breathing a sigh of some relief. Live it up BeingMe.

T

[cat03]

hey dear ol' friend, prayers your way))))))

[BeingMe]

Thanks Cat! I spoke to H again on Sunday. I said I was done ... that something needed to change. I wasn't going to waste anymore time on a M that was not working ... for me or him. I said to him, "surely, you aren't happy either." He agreed, but had no solution. He left Sunday night for two days on business. I just don't know what to do. He contacts me by phone as usual, says ily at the end of conversations as usual. I feel like I have wasted 4 years and all for nothing. His brother is coming for a visit this week, and after that, I will be moving H into the spare room. I can't live like this is a normal M anymore. Once he is out of my room, I will think what the next step will be. I still want him as a friend because I care about him, but I don't think I love him anymore. I have nothing left to give him, emotionally.

I feel like he didn't even half try, but he seems to think he did.

I am going to need all your prayers again. The next few months, I think, are going to be difficult. But, I think this M is causing me more stress then leaving it will.