Hi guys, put my kids to bed and my D7 told me as she was closing her eyes "mom, I asked dad if heis marrying another woman and he said no and then I asked him if he loves you and he said he loves you and us very much".
The kids are still waiting for the "we got back together speech" and I cant get myself to do it. Afraid we will hurt them again
My H's answer is one of my big problems:me and the kids are a package. We are what he wants but me as a person, as a woman, am not a woman he would come back to if the kids didnt exist. Not this year not last year. I know there is no use thinking this way but I believe that explains the lack of sexual interest and tenderness. I am a mom. I am his partner, I am not his woman. Thinking about it, feels like a rejection. And of course I am too sensitive to any kind of rejections right now.
The end of my old M is what I am grieving. Been crying a lot lately. But this shall too will pass. Need to find my balance and inner peace, maybe then I will have something to give. Thanks for stopping by friends, K
I understand you not wanting to get the kids' hopes up yet. They have eyes, they can see you two are spending a lot more time together,I think that is enough for now...
I know you are grieving the old M. Just remember that some of the choices made during the old M led to where you are now...so be glad that THOSE parts of the old M are gone. Although I am sure you want to get back the love, tenderness, etc that you used to have in the early years.
I know I've told this story over the years around here, but two of the people I love most in this world and who have the strongest and happiest marriage I've ever personally seen (it will be 50 years in June!) went through a long term affair and a short separation.
They are my in-laws. It was bout 32 years ago now, I guess. My MIL discovered that my FIL had been having an affair with someone near where he worked and it had been going on for a couple of years. He spewed all the usual stuff at her and he moved out and in with this woman.
Obviously there was no DBing to follow back then and my MIL went to his job about 3 months later and gave him an ultimatum that he either come home or get all his stuff out after work that day. He did end up moving back but my MIL said it was very rocky for quite a while after that.
My MIL has been very candid about it to me over the years. It's not something you can decide for forgive and forget. It'll take time. When my H and I first separated she told me that my situation brought it all back to her, so it isn't something that will ever totally disappear. She even asked her H then if he regretted it. She meant did he regret coming home but he thought she was asking if he regretted the affair. When he answered, "yes" she told me her heart dropped until they both realized the misunderstanding.
They're both retired now and spend almost every moment together and are very much still "in love". It's adorably cute. She's 70 and he's 74. He still pinches her butt.
I think there always will be times when you feel vulnerable. As times goes on, they'll probably be years (or even decades!) in between times, but I think that's normal. Even if you met and fell in love with another man tomorrow, because of what's happened you'd probably have the same insecurities with him--if H did it, this one can too and all that.
Hang in there. It'll take time to rebuild but I've seen that it can be done. Even without books and MC and all that. Hang in there.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Hey.. you snuck back in!! Welcome back to piecing sunbeam
I heard that too.. a FEW people were against me taking bf back, because they said, he "is a weak man" and I thought.. yeah, but so what? Theres worse things to be. He's also kind, loving, good partner, a man of principles, great politics, astute, intelligent, funny etc etc. What are your H's good qualities?
Freckle, thats a great post and also Bobbi, yes we have to take responsibility for what lead us here. Ok, some woman are predatory on M men, but men arent necessarily got unless they are ripe for getting at.. I know bf withdrew around the time he met Helen at work, but I also know he noticed Helen because our R had grown stale and I was too dominant (he said he no longer felt appreciated/listened to).
I actually remember my 'loss of innocence' moment, when I was 7 and discovered that adults hurt and divorce each other (I discovered my uncle was leaving my 8 month pregnant Aunty for a woman he met at work). But its necessary right, for growth, to lead to the nectar within..? Else we'd all be naively floating around like prozac'd robots
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Six Tips for Creating a More Passionate Relationship
1.Operate from the Best in Yourself. If you're like most people, you have a scared, angry, vindictive, or lazy side that limits the quality of your sexual relationship. However, you don't have to let that side of you run your marriage. Instead, operate from the best in you, from the resilient part of yourself. Bring forth the solid part of you that wants to have a better relationship. Reach out from the best in you to the best in your partner, both in and out of bed. That's where the best sex in your life comes from. Remind yourself of what is good, admirable, and competent about you, and about your partner. Relate to your mate as if he or she has the capacity to change and develop further as a person.
2.Sustain eye contact with each other out of bed. Many couples stop making emotional contact, even if they still have sex. Here's a quick and meaningful (but not easy) way to get back in touch, or at least bring your awkwardness with each other to the forefront: Make an agreement with your partner to look into each other's eyes for at least five minutes in a quiet, private place. Do this without talking. This is not a staring contest, but rather, taking time to really look into each other and let yourself be seen. Before you begin, take a moment to get seated comfortably, soften your eyes, and relax your face. Make yourself receptive to your partner; let him or her connect with you. Deliberately lower your emotional barriers. Expect to run into your own resistances, and note them in the back of your mind. Afterwards, discuss the experience with your partner. Do this several times a week, until silent gazing is warm and inviting.
3.Try Hugging 'till Relaxed. Here's a terrific was to get more in touch with your partner while also getting a better grip on yourself. It turns a simple hug into a window into your relationship and a way to improve it. Prepare yourself by taking a few minutes to slow down, relax, and slow your heart rate. Then stand facing your partner a few feet away. Get a balanced, well-grounded stance over your own two feet. Close your eyes, take a breath, and relax again. Open your eyes, and when the two of you are ready, shuffle forward without loosing your relaxed balanced position, so that you have one foot between your partner's feet. Get close enough that you can easily put your arms around your partner without feeling off balance, or pulling or pushing your partner off-balance either. Shift your stance or position as needed to be physically comfortable. Let yourself relax into the hug and remember to breathe. Lots of feelings about your partner, your relationship and yourself are bound to surface. Note your resistances but don't give into them. Afterwards, talk about the experience with your partner. It often takes several months of practice, several times a week, but you'll be amazed by the many improvements this brings.
4.Make eye contact in bed. This great activity builds on the two previous suggestions. "Heads on pillows" combines eye gazing with a relaxed physical connection, and brings it into the bedroom. Pick a time when you won't be disturbed. Lay down in bed (or the living room floor) with your clothes on or off. Lie on your side, facing your partner. Put your head on your own pillow and have your partner do likewise. Move your pillows far enough apart so your mate doesn't look like a Cyclops. Do the same relaxed eye gazing described in Tip #2. If you feel the urge to touch your partner, touch his face or hold his hand. Stay away from genitals and buttocks until both of you can reach a relaxed connection with some reliability. Subsequently you can expand this activity to include foreplay and intercourse, but it's more important to establish a resilient collaborative alliance than arouse each other. Ultimately, you can bridge this into reaching orgasm while looking into each other.
5.Change your style of sexual interactions. Do you usually wait for your partner to make the first move? Although you and your partner may touch each other, are you typically more the giver or the receiver when you have sex? Are you a take-charge person or the more passive participant? Identify your typical role in sex and deliberately change it. Change the predominant overall tone or themes that characterize your sexual relationship. Ask your partner to join with you in intentionally making these changes, or do them unilaterally. Remember, your partner will probably be as nervous as you are, so don't expect him to support you emotionally. Be patient with your partner and yourself. Approach this as practice validating, accepting, and supporting yourself in your relationship with your partner.
6.Pay attention to depth of involvement with your partner during sex. When you and your partner are actually having sex, you are using one (or more) of three primary psychological mind-sets. These are focused on (1) physical sensations, (2) playing out sexual fantasies, and (3) engaging your partner. People focus most on physical sensations and sex games and fantasies. Instead, focus on engaging your partner during sex. Pay attention to what your partner seems to be thinking and feeling, rather than simply trying to bring him or her to orgasm. Try to establish a deeper emotional connection. Emphasize the special relationship you're trying to develop, rather than getting lost in your sensations, or playing out sexual scripts that turn you on. Once you and your partner are good at "partner engagement," you can work as a team to create terrific sexual sensations and play out your most erotic turn-ons.
I think the above tips may help some of us "Piercers"... K
