H suddenly moved out 10 days ago...I'm devastated

[CityGirl]

I understand how hard this all is. I really, really do. I think at day 12 I was still sitting on my living room floor rocking in a fetal position in a state of shock!

You are going to accept that you have ZERO control over your H's actions. That is also not easy, I know!

Every post you make is about what your H does or what his issues are or how you can make things better. I get all that too. We all do.

You are going to have to put your H and his issues on the back burner for a while and really, really start to work on you. And a big part of working on you is acceptance and detachment. It's *very* hard.

You know, I realized today I am not really sure my H is totally detached from me. We have not lived together in almost 2 years and he has been involved with OW since then. But I really do think he likes knowing I am "there". Not to reconcile but just *because*.

You have to take some time each day for you. Even if just 5 min. or you will start to go crazy! Even if it is something super simple like planting a few herbs in your kitchen to grow in a sunny window then finding new recipes to use them in. What do you like to do?

I know it feels like time is standing still but it has been less than 2 weeks. And the more you mentally cling to your H (even if you are not acting that way) the harder it will be.

I bet you are scared and overwhelmed and I so get that. We are here for you but please do consider taking some focus off him.

[flowmom]

You have to take some time each day for you. Even if just 5 min. or you will start to go crazy! Even if it is something super simple like planting a few herbs in your kitchen to grow in a sunny window then finding new recipes to use them in. What do you like to do?

My personality type is INFP, so all the things I like to do involve big stretches of time, which I have little of . I do a lot of great things with my children of course. For non-child activities, I like hiking, running, yoga, reading novels, dinner parties, dancing, and everything interior design. I'm not ready to do any exercise other than walking due to my lungs right now. And I don't think that I'm ready for a lot of socializing -- I feel too fragile. What I really wish I could do is take a trip to the desert and just walk and walk (but can't afford it). I have been taking time for myself to do some home decluttering/organizing projects and to watch DVDs after the children go to bed (haven't done that in years) and I've done some short walks. I'm not sure what I could do in short periods of time that would be really nourishing, other than starting to meditate regularly (which I've always intended to do but never have).

And the more you mentally cling to your H (even if you are not acting that way) the harder it will be.

I bet you are scared and overwhelmed and I so get that. We are here for you but please do consider taking some focus off him.

Thanks for the feedback. I've been in caretaking/walking on eggshells mode with H for so long that it's become a habit. I can see that I'm going to have to work very hard on my thinking and putting the focus on myself and it helps to have support for that.

[CityGirl]

This is the perfect time to try something different. If what you like to do are not available options right now you need to discover what is available to you. NO MORE EXCUSES.

I doubt when your marriage was stable you just took off for the long activities you like. What did you do when you where happy that was just for you? If it was nothing then you know what you need to work on!

[working on me]

Hi flowmom, you posted on my page today, Thank You!

I have read your...... Situation.

My heart goes out to you and your children. I mean that with all of my heart!

I have come back here for support, you are here, IT'S A GREAT PLACE FOR US.

Being here is a great start, don't leave here, keep talking it out in type. Second, affirm in your mind constantly, you can perservere(sorry, bad speller). You have the strength and compassion for you and your children to get through this. It is your love and commitment that will carry you and your children through this as well.

Please keep in touch.

[ForPeanut]

I have read your posts and nothing I am going to say is much different than any of the other long-timers on here but I just wanted to let you know that all of us have been there and you too will get to a point (with or without your H) where you can love your life again. I look back now at my early posts and am so very grateful for this site and the friends I made. I re-live the pain every time I read a new poster's story and yet my own past feels like someone else's life. Stay with your DBing and work on YOU. Be the great mommy you are and take the time to get out and find what else you love, even if it is only a 15 minute walk around the block while the kids are with H.
Hang in there and know that you are not alone...it WILL get better.

[flowmom]

Thanks ForPeanut and everyone else who has been helping me with this. I'm trying to find the threads of all of the folks who have been helping me...if I missed popping into yours, feel free to point me to it.

So this afternoon I spent 15 minutes on doing The Work like I said I would in a couple of other threads. I realized that my thoughts have been hurting me and making the situation worse. The Work is a process of inquiry whereby you look at a stressful thought that you have. I'm new at doing it, but today really helped with my thinking and helped me to feel more "clear" when H was here this evening. One of Byron Katie's books is called Loving What Is...I want to shift from fighting what is to loving what is, because what is is all I have.

[mnt_dreams]

I realized that my thoughts have been hurting me and making the situation worse.

Good job b/c those thoughts and your actions are the only things YOU have control over. As others have said, try to stay busy. Carve out a little me-time for a walk or hot bath or something to pamper yourself. Every day you'll get a little stronger. You can do it!

[rockedworld]

Thanks ForPeanut and everyone else who has been helping me with this. I'm trying to find the threads of all of the folks who have been helping me...if I missed popping into yours, feel free to point me to it.

So this afternoon I spent 15 minutes on doing The Work like I said I would in a couple of other threads. I realized that my thoughts have been hurting me and making the situation worse. The Work is a process of inquiry whereby you look at a stressful thought that you have. I'm new at doing it, but today really helped with my thinking and helped me to feel more "clear" when H was here this evening. One of Byron Katie's books is called Loving What Is...I want to shift from fighting what is to loving what is, because what is is all I have.

Hi flowmom,

I started doing "The Work" during my sitch and found it very helpful. When you can't change your circumstances, you can change your thoughts, and that is more powerful than you realize!

You are clearly an amazingly strong woman and you are doing a fabulous job! Keep DBing and taking care of YOU. You are going to be ok, no matter what.

[avermont]

Hi flowmom--

I just found your thread and want to chime in with the support of everyone else.

I am working intensely hard on controlling and changing my thoughts. I will look at THE WORK that you linked to as soon as I post this.

My partner did a sudden walk away, so I am with you 100% on the total surprise and devastation.

Some of the best advice here for the early days: put your focus on you and the kids. YOU are the most important thing right now. And taking care of the kids, of course.

I see in your note that running is an activity you like. I'm sorry you have been too ill to do that. But think about trying it as soon as you can, or walking as soon as you are ready.

I found running to be the best stress relief. I read a lot about how our anxiety is created and stored in the amygdala, the primitive part of our brain responsible for "fight or flight." So running gave my little primitive brain what it wanted: FLIGHT!! The more I run, the calmer I am.

I also do a lot of positive self talk: you can do it; you can let go of the anxiety; everyone is here for you, etc., etc.

Hang in there. We're all here for you.

[flowmom]

I started doing "The Work" during my sitch and found it very helpful. When you can't change your circumstances, you can change your thoughts, and that is more powerful than you realize!

You're the second DBer who has recommended doing The Work. I'll try to stick with it .

I see in your note that running is an activity you like. I'm sorry you have been too ill to do that. But think about trying it as soon as you can, or walking as soon as you are ready.

I found running to be the best stress relief. I read a lot about how our anxiety is created and stored in the amygdala, the primitive part of our brain responsible for "fight or flight." So running gave my little primitive brain what it wanted: FLIGHT!! The more I run, the calmer I am.

I haven't run regularly in years, but thanks for the advice...what you say really makes sense and I'll try to start again. Right due to lack of time I really need any exercise I do to have a "value added" aspect to it. A lot of times I've wanted to run away from this M and the muddle that it's become. I think that physically running does create a positive outlet for the stress.