Future, I'm pretty sure that my H is off with the OW this weekend. I don't know, and I'm not sure that I care. Somehow, I've kind of decided that she can have him. I don't know if that's right, but I've decided I want to be with people who shoot straight and who love me. And there are a lot of people in my life like that. I don't want to be with someone who makes my head spin around and acts like a 15 year old with a crush on someone else. Life goes on. If your kids stay with you maybe you can look at it as a way to have fun with them. Do something cool. Go somewhere. Don't worry about her. You need to cooperate. Maybe someday you will need to go somewhere and need her to watch the kids..
For the international travel, don't think she's going to take your kids and never return. International travel does open kids eyes to other ways of living, and it could be good for them to see that...at some point. My guess is that they aren't ready to see their mom with a new "guy" in her life, though. That would be my concern for my kids. Not that they would never come back, but that they would be very confused and brokenhearted to see their mom actng romantically with another man on a vacation--which is much more intense than just having someone drop by from time to time. I'd take that approach with her. My friend made the mistake of bringing new men into her children's lives after her divorce, and it was very confusing and not fair to them. With every break up, there was a new loss. But tell her that in the future, its fine for them to travel...either to a different country or AFTER the divorce is over and once she KNOWS that OM is the one she is going to be with. If she doesn't know that yet, then she shouldn't involve the kids. It isn't fair.
Jeez Future. I feel bad for you. She is pushing all your buttons. Its not about "playing" the cards right anymore, though. If she wanted to have a relationship with you, she would have done it or she would have told you her struggles. At least if she is a grown up, she should. I don't think that these games are good--that you should have "acted" a certain way. You "acted" yourself. You are a good person. She wants to be with someone else. Period. She could regret that someday..and she probably will, but do you want to waste your life waiting for 10 or 20 yars? For you, Future, no regrets. You did your best. She didn't bite. Move on...
musclegal, I know the conflict and ambivalence you must feel over what your H is doing. You can see his flaws and how he treats you, and you know you should reject him, but your bond to him still tugs. Trust me, I know. Over time that tug will fade. And yes, we all deserve to be with people who value us and treat us with respect.
Regarding the international travel, I understand what you're saying, but you don't know my W. As in the scenario I described, I never said she would take them and never return. She would take them, get herself into a situation she refuses to give up, then use the kids as leverage to "negotiate" a new arrangement, which would necessarily involve me not seeing them for months at a time. I'm not willing to risk that. Once my kids leave this country, my power and control over what happens to them is gone, and I won't risk it. Maybe as the years go on, and I become convinced I can trust her, but definitely not now, or soon.
My W has been good about not bringing OM into the kids lives, she has kept it completely separate. If she brings the kids halfway around the word right to his doorstep, I doubt she would maintain that boundary.
You know, I don't feel my buttons being pushed that much any more. It's been too long. Her power over me just isn't that strong any more. I have a lot of good things and good people in my life now. She doesn't hold the keys to my happiness anymore.
Thank you, you're right, I've just "acted" myself, and she continues to reject me, so what else can I do? That's one thing I haven't done through this is try to be someone I'm not.
More bizarre behavior from my W, but I've given up trying to understand it.
Yesterday I go to my daughters' gymnastics, and my W essentially ignores me and doesn't acknowledge me, even as I walk right up and start talking to my son. So now I'm getting the silent treatment I guess. I take my son to his basketball game, which I'm coaching, and my W shows up there after the girls' gymnastics is over. Again, she barely acknowledges me. After the game, she comes over and gives our son a drink. Just to jab her a bit I smile and say "What, none for me?" She gives me a dirty look and says nothing. So ok, she's really pissed at me, I get it.
That was transition time for the kids, so I take them and we go out to lunch. My oldest daughter and son get into a fight, and I ask what's going on. My daughter has tears in her eyes and says "I miss mommy." I just give her a long hug and say "I know, this is hard. It's not really fair is it?" She nods yes, and I say "Some things in life aren't fair."
She seems to calm down after that and we start having a fun day. That evening, my W pulls an unprecedented act, and shows up at my house unannounced. I go to the door perplexed, she is holding a little bag and very meekly asks "I made some brownies for the kids, can you give them to them?" The kids knew she was at the door, so I respond "You want to come in and give them yourself?" She perks up and says "Sure!" She comes in and the kids are all spread out on the sectional sofa, we just finished playing Wii games, and were settling down to watch the football game. She gives the kids each a brownie, and says "H, if you weren't allergic to chocolate, I would have brought one for you too." She sits and visits for a couple minutes while the kids eat their brownies. Then she says goodbye to the kids and gets up to leave. She sees a picture from my marathon I had framed and says "H, that picture looks great. Wow." I replied "Yeah, they took a bunch, but that one really come out great." Then she sadly says "Well, goodbye. Thanks, H."
What's cool for me is, the whole thing didn't really affect me at all. I just rolled with it, and when she was gone, we just went back to what we were doing. It had no lingering emotional effects.
What's cool for me is, the whole thing didn't really affect me at all. I just rolled with it, and when she was gone, we just went back to what we were doing. It had no lingering emotional effects.
That's great man! Maybe you're detatching, for real, from her. Keep doing what your doing...seems to be working for ya'.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Great Future! My H hasn't called our boys for a week, so I'm sure he went to see OW. I feel like all three of us are moving on, even though that is hard for my kids. I'm just expecting roller coaster with them...they will see it, too...I want to be with you, no I don't, yes I do, no I don't...
I'm glad you are being a good dad through all of this. You are doing a really good job. You are behaving grown up and are there for your kids. That's what's important right now.
Been relatively quiet lately. I've had minimal interactions with W, other than Sunday evening, when her brother and his kids were visiting MIL. I brought the kids over to see their cousins, and W was there for several hours. We chatted almost the whole time, and were pleasant with each other. As usual, the longer we were together, the closer we got. When she first arrived, we kept our distance from each other, but by the end of the evening, we were sitting a couple feet from each other on the sofa having a continuous conversation. There was a palpable tension in the room though.
As usual, I'm struggling to resolve all this stuff in my head. I need to forgive myself for how I failed my marriage. I eventually need to forgive her for how she failed, for my own peace, if nothing else. She clings to this notion that our marriage was already dead before her A started. Hogwash in my opinion, but what's the point in arguing about it, or even thinking about it? When we opened back up to each other last fall, she seemed to be singing a different tune about it, but she couldn't say she regretted it, as indicated in the title of this thread. She did say it was wrong to do while we were still living together as man and wife. That was at least something, but the way she said it was meant as "I should have waited until I moved out", not "I shouldn't have done it at all." Not exactly a validation of the pain I endured, is it?
Was she really contemplating coming back when I dropped the bomb on her? She says she was. Some of the things she said over the few previous months made me think she was looking for a way back that preserved her dignity and didn't make her feel like a criminal in our marriage. I thought I gave that to her, but when I got so little back, I felt like I had to push her away to protect myself. The pain I've endured over the last year has left me so reluctant to put my heart at risk again. Still, I'm tormenting myself. Should I have just been more patient and waited for her heartbreak over OM to wane before I made any move or decision? She was offering me so little. I didn't think our M could ever be right again if all I did was wait for her to return to me, on her own schedule, and on her own terms. She needed to give me more. When I didn't get it, I needed to push her away, so I did, and now I struggle with doubt over it. I have to stop.
Her reaction since then does show me she wasn't in any way prepared to legitmately reconcile. She is going to OM's country for two weeks in a month, but she claims it's not to see OM, and she won't be staying with OM. She says she's going to get training for her work, and she's staying with a female friend of hers from her childhood who she has reconnected with. I can't believe her of course. She's travelling thousands of miles to the city OM lives in, and is saying it has nothing to do with him? Yeah, right.
This morning I dropped our youngest daughter off with her, and we were pleasant with each other, quickly discussing the kids' situations. I'm leaving on a business trip tomorrow morning, and she said "Have a nice trip", then made an awkward move like she was going to hug me, then pulled back. I said goodbye, and she again made the same awkward move. I kept my distance, and made my exit.
FWIW last Jan. when my H was at one of his meanest points he also told me he was thinking of "coming back" after the fact. Much later he admitted to me he was never thinking of coming back but his guilt was so overwhelming he told himself (and me) that to ease his mind.
I struggle with the same thing. My H has NO CLUE what it feels like to know your spouse is having an ongoing affair and the absolute pain it causes.
Maybe getting out of town for a few days will do you some good.
Thanks CityGirl. Yeah, I'm struggling some, but I'm living my life too. I can't seem to turn off the continuous loop in my head that goes over and over and over all this. It'll fade with time.
Yes, it'll definitely be good to get out of town, but I'm concerned about my kids. They are struggling with this too, and I'm worried leaving right now is just more for them to deal with. A few days ago my son said to me out of the blue "Daddy, if I had a genie my first wish would be for you and Mommy to not be separated or divorced." The poor guy is going to be holding onto that wish his whole childhood, and it breaks my heart.
Future, a really good book for kids is called "Dinosaur Divorce". It's a kind of cartoon, but my kids read it with the school counsellor and both thought it was helpful. She loaned it to me to re-read with them. This does suck for the kids, and for you. Its so hard and embarassing, too. I've been reading about John and Elizabeth Edwards. Its so interesting how the one who had the affair will do whatever they need to do to "save" themselves from their guilt. I agree with CityGirl. My H said he wanted to stay with me for months, and, like you, he gave me nothing...everything was about him. In the end, they just want you to make the D decision, I think, so they won't feel so bad. So on some level they can say to themselves that they tried.
