Peace, yes, but after a while it is not so convenient or easy, is what I am sensing. I used to jump in and help with such things--no more and never again! However, what I recall is that X has me around to blame for only a small portion of his life now. How many other times does he get lost when I simply have had nothing to do with?
I see more concern for D, and that is a positive, but I also see no sign that OW is on her way out. Still trying to not care.
I tend to walk away from X now. I am trying not to be cold/angry; over time I am detaching more but the anger is not entirely dissipated and is hard to deal with. This is why I do think that minimal contact with X is best for me. That and improving my life overall! I have nearly finished a project that means a lot to me, and I believe that this will be a good thing.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
And while it isn't as if X has acted interested, I do find myself wondering what I want right now. I signed up for a dating site, got some interest and backed off.
The time I've spent growing and healing has been beneficial.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
forward, Maybe you need a bit of time just to enjoy life solo. If you aren't sure what you want, step back and wait. Life has a way of revealign what it has in store for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, I have been doing that for nearly three years now and sitting at home alone was very pleasant at first, and still is to a degree, as I have enjoyed reading, movies, and the like, but it is starting to get old.
So I guess I am asking myself what I am looking for at this time.
X's looks at me in the last C session did reveal some interest but then I started to think the following:
The only way I would even CONSIDER letting him back into my life is if he has made a demonstrated effort to get control of his and shows that he is interested in ME, not the trappings of our old lifestyle.
Otherwise I am just his plan B and I know I deserve better than to be plan B.
I think he is looking at me as plan B at the moment, as he didn't look happy. I think if he did demonstrate interest, it would be because the blush is off the rose and gosh life w/Forward was a lot EASIER.
I would not accept that. I want to be cared about for who I am.
And the other thing is, X is not on the same ground as a completely new person would be. X has demonstrated lack of interest/lack of capacity to handle change. So X would have a lot more to do to impress me.
I think this reflects some good things in terms of my personal growth, actually.....
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Forward, how do you know that he revealed "some interest"? Remember, one of the classic moves of these people is to throw little things out there to keep you interested as a plan B. Like you said, you did everything for 3 years and he had his thumb up his butt, move on!!
You've done a lot of soul searching and your personal growth has grown. The question is...what do you need to be fulfilled? What is it that you want to accomplish in your life? How can you get from where you are to where you want to be?
Sometimes, if you sit quietly, the answers will come and other times, the answer will be right there in front of you. The maze of life has many stopovers along the way and we have detours as well. Those stopovers and detours may be the actually openings to assist you in what you are searching for. Please don't be too quick in dismissing the openings.
As for your xh, he's still got a lot of growing to do and yes, you've recognized that he would be at the starting point and would have to actually do the work to earn your trust, etc. back.
I believe you will find your answers very soon because you are a determined, intelligent lady.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
BH, Yes, I think I was thrown a few crumbs, and while I recognize the crumbs for what they are (crumbs), that doesn't mean that I don't have a little emotional pull there.
While you advise, I find myself wondering what your sitch was and why YOU are on here. Have you moved on?
I mean, it's one thing to tell someone such things but even if you know it's the right advice, sometimes you don't feel it yet. That's just part of the deal. You have to feel something, not just think it, not just be told it.
Snodderly, I've sat quietly for a long time. I know that a career change needs to be part of the picture for me. It's a tough time to consider; things are so uncertain for my industry right now; it is just crazy and stressful.
I am not sure what else I am looking for; I feel that a little dating might be interesting for me at this time. I guess I don't want to be in a situation where I woul d hurt someone else, but I think I have been pretty straightforward at this point.
I thrive on determination and intelligence, grin, but the emotional aspects of this whole experience cannot be solved with determination and intelligence. That takes time and some self-awareness.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Forward, that is a fair enough question. My stitch is a lot like other folks on here, my XW left me with 2 little kids, same old song and dance, new life, blah, blah. I was like everyone else, scared, confused, mad. I filed for the D and moved on when I realized that I was wasting my life on someone who no longer cared for me. I have since moved on in a big way, I am engaged to a wonderful woman who I have been seeing for awhile. My purpose for being on this board is to try to help others move on and not waste their lives on people who are just stringing them along. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people who stand, but there comes a time when you have to look at moving on. When you have stood and did everything you can, what else is left? I merely told you earlier and have told you in the past that you did all you could and then some, but your XH hasn't budged. He might be unhappy, his relationship with the OW might not last, but these people will not do the work to rebuild. I haven't seen a single person on this board leave the OP and come home. I have seen touch and goes, but nothing stable. I am sure there are a couple who have, but its so very rare. Anyway, its your life to lead as you wish, I am just trying to save you further misery.
Forward I dont know if you are a Christian but Faith and Prayer is needed in everything we do. I think IRMAC said it best when she said if it doesnt work, most the time its because someone gave up praying. I quit praying for my marriage and maybe I should not have. BUT I have come to learn prayer and Faith are VERY important. God loves us sooooo much that he gave his ONLY son. I dont know about you, but I cant even imagine that. You have been waiting a long time, its up to you what you do. BUT I can tell you this, if you put God first in your life, he will work everything else out for you.
The only way I would even CONSIDER letting him back into my life is if he has made a demonstrated effort to get control of his and shows that he is interested in ME, not the trappings of our old lifestyle.
Otherwise I am just his plan B and I know I deserve better than to be plan B.
I feel this way too. We deserve so much more than crumbs and maybe they need to see that we are interested not in their crumbs for them to gain respect for us again.
