I found this on snodderly's thread on why they run away...
Originally Posted By: M Go Blue
MLC individuals have many things in common.
They have low self esteem. They are very unhappy inside. They are very angry inside. They have a low self image. They have suppressed their inner feelings for many years. The seeds for MLC were planted in childhood. They feel as if they have been controlled their whole life. They feel their feeling were never validated. They have feelings of being inadequate or not good enough. They feel that during childhood they did not recieve nurturing or a special love from their parents. They have feelings of rejection and abandonment that haunt them from childhood.
These all describe my H with possible the exception of nurturing from his parents. My H's parents passed away before I met him so I have no firsthand knowledge of his relationship with them. All I know it that my H has always spoken very affectionately about his father and hardly ever mentioned his mother. And one of the first "symptoms" of MLC I noticed in my H was his complaint that I was trying to "mother" him by suggesting to him that he take multi-vitamins! He now complains that he has let women control him all his life. I definitely think my H had some issue with his mother but I really have no idea what it was. My H claims he had a normal childhood however my H was born prematurely and was put in an incubator with oxygen which somehow caused his eyes to cross. He later had surgery to correct this but he was left with a lazy eye. My H was somewhat a loner who read a lot. My H has told me about one of few childhood friends that was killed in an accident. My H was gangly and not athletic at all...even played the tuba in the school band. I can imagine that he got picked on but he has never mentioned that to me. In high school, it sounds like he had more friends but got into drinking and some drugs. After my H left for college, my H's parents split. I think my H's father could have been depressed causing his mother to get involved with someone else. His mother married the OM. Years later when his mother's new H died, my H's parents got back together. My H's father died about 16 ago, about 5 years before I met him and his mother a year later. I believe my H went into a depression when his dad died. My H's first wife then got involved with someone else. They split and she moved away. My H dated some after they split but didn't file for a D from his first wife until he met me (hmmm...had I known then what I know now!). When he met me, he would have moved heaven and earth to be with me...well, at least for about 6 years.
I'm sure something in my H's past ties into his MLC...I'm just not sure specifically what...maybe it all does.
Some of the other issues my H suffers from are... -mortality -hypochondria -germaphobia (not sure what the real term is for that) -inability to express emotion about his personal experiences (he can cry at movies or even shed tears for his clients that have had tragic things happen to them) -Cannot handle me raising my voice (even just to be passionate about the situation) yet he can have a yelling match with opposing attorneys)
I would appreciate any thoughts anyone has. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter because I need to just move forward. I would just like to know why he is so damaged but I may never know.
Upside, You may never know why or how he was damaged. That is why he is on a mission to find himself. He needs to understand why or how it happened.
I wouldn't sit around pondering this too much as the answers will not come to you because you were not around him at that age. In time, he may reveal some of it to you or your children, but he's just not there yet.
It's time to partially shut the door and look to what you need to do to heal and move on a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The fact that your H claims to have had a normal childhood could easily just be denial--certainly, my H, even if he (rarely) mentioned an incident in which his mother sounded abusive, would insist that their relationship hadn't affected him negatively. Yet, her death caused his MLC, which ended when he was finally able to confront her abuse and control.
It sounds as though there are a lot of potential triggers for an MLC based on a lack of parental nurturing for your H--his father was likely depressed and therefore unavailable, and his mother's decision to remarry may have felt like abandonment. Because children tend to blame themselves for whatever goes wrong, your H probably retains feelings of guilt.
Funny, but a lot of the things you mention were shared by my H--being in an incubator at birth, witnessing a death as a child, not coping if I raised my voice (his mom pinned her anger on him), as well as the lack of personal emotion, hypochondria and fear of death. The last are all, as I'm sure you're aware, symptoms of depression.
Has your H ever been treated for depression? Is there a possible genetic component, as you believe his dad was also depressed? Do you feel that he was not depressed when you first met?
As to why he is so damaged, what do they say--95% of families are dysfunctional? We are all wounded, in greater or lesser ways, by our childhood experiences. In order to fully grow up, we have at some point to examine ourselves, fully and fearlessly. The odd thing is, it's such a painful and terrifying thing to do ... and yet afterwards, we're left wondering, what was so scary about that? Most of your H's "damage," at this point, is that he somehow feels that he failed when he was a child, which has crippled his self-esteem, and he does not feel brave enough to confront the origins of those negative feelings. That doesn't mean that he couldn't, at some point.
In the meantime, you will feel better if you can take your focus away from the (for you) unsolveable puzzle of your H and place it back on yourself. I found that things didn't improve until I forced myself to identify and face my greatest fears. For example, I visualized exactly what life without my H would be like, aspect by aspect--first I could hardly force myself to entertain the idea, and then I relaxed in the knowledge that I could flourish. What are your greatest fears?
snodderly-I agree there is no reason for me to spend much time trying to figure out the why. That is for my H to figure out.
Cyrena-The similarities are interesting as with so many MLCers. I have asked my C if depression can be genetic and he claims it can be. My H has been in denial of his depression. He claims he wouldn't want to take anti-depressants anyway and he has managed to avoid individual C even at our MC recommendation.
I have been contemplating on how to move on yet keep the door slightly open. Yesterday on a whim, I decided to text my H to see if we could talk. He responded and asked where and when. I let him know that I just wanted to talk over the phone and we decided on a time. In the meantime, I thought about what I wanted to say and wrote it out. This is what I wrote...
I have done a lot of thinking in the last few weeks…
First I want to say that I know that you are a good person and I know it was never your intention to hurt me. And the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt you. I want you to be happy even if that means that I am not in your life.
It is clearer than ever to me that the problem isn’t me or our marriage. I know you love me and there is a big part of you that wants to be with me but your choosing solitude over me, confirms that you are avoiding dealing with your issues and that you are depressed. I would do anything in the world to help you, but the reality is that the only one that can help you is you. If you could just try to help yourself with individual therapy and possibly medication, I could give you more time but I don’t see that happening.
I feel so bad knowing whatever it is you are going through has to be awful. However, your choice to continually avoid the issues that are causing your depression has left me alone much of the time. While I can handle being alone, I do prefer to spend my time with someone.
I’m not saying any of this to make you feel guilty. My actions have always been because I do love you and I wanted to save our marriage. However, I know I can’t save this marriage alone. The hardest part of all of this is knowing that your love me too yet you are still willing to avoid your issues and pick solitude over our marriage. I try to understand why but I am not where you are. I do know I am not responsible for your happiness…I just wish I could add to your happiness, just as I wish you could add to mine.
I could hold on longer if I knew you would come back to me but I know there are no guarantees of that.
Who knows what the future hold but for now it looks like our only option is to let each other go. I hope someday soon you find the happiness that you are looking for and very much deserve.
When we talked, I read what I had written to my H and he said he wanted to cry. He said it was the sweetest thing he ever heard and it makes him realize that he is the one with the problem. He said that maybe he is depressed. He said he knows he is a screw up and that he is amazed by my kindness and understanding. He expected that I was going to be upset with him and talk about filing. He claims he had been expecting me to call him (not sure it that is true) and that he figured I was angry since we had not talked in several weeks.
When I read him the letter, I didn't expect anything to change. His response has spun me around a litlle bit but I still have no expectations. He suggested meeting tonight to talk but nothing was decided. All I know is that I can't go backwards.
Wow, that was a great letter and a great response.
I am actually surprised by his response but I guess the proof will be in the action. If he takes action on your talk then you will have really accomplished something. I think getting them to take the action is the hardest part. Once the ball starts rolling it can have amazing results. But the first push is the hardest.
Upside - I am glad you reached out to him. I know that no matter what, it must be a load off of your shoulders, and you must feel better now that you have let him know how you feel. It is up to him now, and hopefully he understands that and wants to make a change.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
di-It really is a load off of my shoulders. I have laid everything out there for my H. He claims he understands now he is the one with the issues so we will see what he does with his newly found enlightenment.
I met with my H the other night. We had a very good talk. I listened and validated. He was even open and receptive to what I had to say. My H claimed that our talk was better than any session that he has had with the C. During our conversation, I asked my H what his happiest moments in the last 3 years were. He told me in this order, watching my kids sports, spending time with his D and bbqing with me. He claims that the 2 1/2 weeks of not talking to me made him realize that he isn't happy alone either. He realizes he is more depressed than he had thought. He even talked about being able to mask his depression. He said so many things that I have wanted to hear for so long like he knows it is him, he has been an idiot, I am an amazing and compassionate person, people like me don't grow on trees, etc. He said he knows he needs individual counseling and he was going to call and get into our C right away. He said all this but then asked if I want him to file. I didn't reply to that. I did tell him that I cannot go backward to the way things were between us and he agreed. He knows that I am going to continue to move forward in my life whatever that may be and he seems to understand. He hugged me, kissed me, told me that he loved me and that he hoped he figured himself out before it was too late for us. When he left, he asked if he could call me. I told him he could do whatever he wants.
One thing that I thought was very interesting was my H asking me not to tell anyone about his depression. I think it is pretty obvious to people that are close to us.
There was a lot more said, I just can't remember it all. I'm still not sure what the future holds however, I do feel better about things. I hope this feeling stays with me.
Upside it seems like a very positive interaction and no matter where it all lands in the end atleast you and H will have a good friendship at the very least it seems like your H wants to figure it out and really does not want to lose you know that you handled it all very well and he is open to you and sees who you are that is so validating for you you loved him he saw that That is worth it all
I wouild have loved my story to end that way instaed of the way it did You have done well!!
peace my friend
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Upside, You and your h had an extremely good conversation. You did well in listening and not attempting to offer up suggestions on how to fix him. He realizes that he needs to fix himself. There was one little red flag that concerns me....he said that he realized that he wasn't happy alone. He will need to understand that he happiness comes from within and no one can make him happy.
I hope that everything works out for you and he finally gets himself back on track. He's saying all of the right things at this time, but I do hope and pray that he's willing to do the actual work to get it all back on track.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
