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A Message from Michele
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How to Question #191764
10/20/03 11:28 PM
10/20/03 11:28 PM
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 114
asdspd4ever Offline OP
Member
asdspd4ever  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 114
Can someone explain what validating your Spouse's feelings means and how to go about doing it?


Scott May God have mercy on all of us struggling to restore our marriage.
Re: How to Question #191765
10/21/03 03:43 AM
10/21/03 03:43 AM
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 590
Saskatoon
dragon Offline
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dragon  Offline
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Joined: May 2003
Posts: 590
Saskatoon
This was posted on my thread by Soupman awhile ago..It answers your question
Quote:

Validating someone's feelings can only be done unconditionally. When you validate your wife's feelings you have to set aside what you believe for that moment and then some. Otherwise you're not validating.

Whether validating or showing them "they done good" you have to do it with sincerity. Otherwise it comes across as manipulation. And she's likely to spot the difference.

Why is it important to you for her to ask how you are doing? That suggests that you're a little caught up in yourself. This isn't the time to make things "about you". You need to make this about her. You have to show her that you have compassion and that you cherish her. That you place her above yourself. You have to let your actions speak for themselves. Words won't cut it with her. To her your words are simply more of the same old, same old. You need to change 'you'. And frankly, 'you' are the only one 'you' can control. You have no control over her whatsoever.

As to your comments about listening, being mysterious, unconditional love, etc., I suspect, as someone has already said, she's just pushing your buttons to validate to herself that the decision she's made to end your R was the right one. You need to avoid those interactions along with old relationship discussions. Walk away from them.

Yup... a lot of patience is required. You need to 'make time your friend' dragon.

Don't let her remarks about the boys get you down. Just "dodge" her comments and focus on changing yourself into the person she fell in love with. BUT, you have to do that not for her but for yourself. If you're happy with the person you are now then no matter how much you do it's not likely to come across as genuine. WASs intuitively know the difference between what's real and what's not. Making changes for yourself, that give you happiness, is pretty hard for her to dismiss and looks very attractive to WASs.






"I can't see the end but maybe it's just past the clouds a short way up...not sure. "fine baby..be mad at me..if you didn't love me you wouldn't be mad because YOU WOULDN'T CARE.."
Re: How to Question #191766
10/22/03 03:20 PM
10/22/03 03:20 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 833
DB Telephone Coach
Laurie Offline
DB Coach
Laurie  Offline
DB Coach
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 833
DB Telephone Coach
Scott,
Validating is what we do when we behave and respond in ways that tell the other person their feelings and thoughts are very important to us. (FYI - We can validate someone without necessarily agreeing with them.)

How can we communicate validation? Let me run down some practical approaches:

1. Good eye contact

2. Body turned toward the speaker

3. Relaxed and focused, not fidgety & impatient

4. Let them speak without interruption.

5. Avoid jumping in to correct, defend and/or explain yourself. Just listen!

6. Physcially acknowledge what they are saying (nod, lean forward) and/or verbally acknowledge (checking in with an "OK", "Uh-huh", or "yes" at appropriate times.)

7. Acknowledge their feelings ("Mary, you're really irritated that I forgot the garbage? I understand that could irritate you." "You told me you're hurt and I hear it in your voice." "You're frustrated about your job? It sounds like it frustrates you!")

8. Respond with empathy and remorse. ("I am so sorry our situation has caused so much pain for you." "I can see that I have done some things to cause much of your anger right now. I am sorry." "I am beginning to understand how important [source of her anger/pain] was to you. It was insensitive of me not to see this earlier.")

9. Asking questions in response to what was said. ("I just heard you say I made you angry. I'd like to understand, so could tell me more how I did that?" "I see you're upset and I'd really like to know what happened for you to feel this way?")

I hope this is a helpful start. In Michele's "Keeping Love Alive" series, she reviews more completely how to communicate well with each other. It would be very helpful and I'd recommend it!


Laurie,
Divorce Busting Coach
Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Re: Validating #191767
11/12/03 07:03 PM
11/12/03 07:03 PM
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 82
M
MistyBlue Offline
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MistyBlue  Offline
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M
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 82
Just bumping this up since it seems like so many of us are having communication problems with our W/Hs.

Misty


"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
Re: How to Question [Re: Laurie] #1003403
04/06/07 08:34 PM
04/06/07 08:34 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 8,334
The GREAT Pacific Northwest
Jamesjohn Offline
Moderator
Jamesjohn  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 8,334
The GREAT Pacific Northwest
^


JJ

Read about Divorce Busting« Telephone Coaching here!
Re: How to Question [Re: Jamesjohn] #2336028
04/05/13 12:51 PM
04/05/13 12:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,979
NY
Cadet Offline
Member
Cadet  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,979
NY
Great points on validations.

This post will bump this up so people can find it easier.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: How to Question [Re: Cadet] #2504569
11/05/14 08:19 PM
11/05/14 08:19 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 11
K
kira96 Offline
New Member
kira96  Offline
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K
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 11
Hey... I am only on week one since the D conversation. We had one conversation since my first (not good, pretty hysterical reaction) I think I validated a lot of his feelings and do not know if this is good or bad. He wants to talk again (he brought it up) he hasnt told me when just "this week"
I do not know how to react. I mean i want to validate certain things, bu do not want to seem like I am agreeing to the decision because I am not.
I want to save my marriage more than anything.

Re: How to Question [Re: kira96] #2539871
02/18/15 09:46 PM
02/18/15 09:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,979
NY
Cadet Offline
Member
Cadet  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,979
NY


Me-65, D32,S31

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